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<p>I am the lucky one.</p>
<p>Collegeshopping-- your post was fabulous! I agree-- your entire family is lucky to have you.</p>
<p>OP: I agree that sometimes people must weigh what they want to tell others about themselves against the possibility of hurting their loved ones. I know a young man who converted from Judaism to Christianity. He agonized over whether and how to tell his very observant Jewish family. His faith is integral to who he is, and he did not want to pretend not to be Christian. Ultimately, he decided to tell his immediate family (who, although upset, have not rejected him) but not his elderly grandparents.</p>
<p>I am not gay and my children are not gay (although they know that they would be just as loved and accepted if they were), so I do not have first-hand experience here. I do, however, have several friends who have a gay child/children and I belong to a church where a number of members are openly gay.</p>
<p>First, I don’t think it’s at all selfish to come out to parents. Your concern about hurting loving parents is so mature and compassionate. That definitely should be taken into account. However, telling your parents something so important about yourself is not selfish; rather, it is an act of trust and vulnerability.</p>
<p>The first consideration in whether to come out to parents has to be safety/self-preservation. Absent any concerns about being physically harmed, kicked out, disowned, or condemned, then it becomes a matter of judgment and timing. Your parents do likely already know or have wondered whether you are gay. Has the in-the-news subject of same-sex marriage come up? Are they generally approving of celebrities who happen to be gay or do they make disparaging comments? Are they not bothered with your close same-gender friendships or do they seem to be wary? Are there any members of your extended family who are gay, and if so, how do your parents feel about them? Do you know a sympathetic adult who could be there with you (or on call if things start getting heated) when you tell them?</p>
<p>I assume that you’re asking about yourself. If so, best wishes.</p>
<p>My suggestion is that how you break news to loved ones can have a significant impact on how they take it. Choosing the right time and place, thinking about whether to tell people one at a time or as a group, thinking about what exactly you will say, etc., can make a big difference. So, for example, don’t come out at the end of a big argument about something else.</p>
<p>So I wanted to share this with everyone reading. I think it is so important. My sons shared this with me and begged me to make sure that I always had their back whether or not they were legally protected in their relationships. Please take the time and understand why we should never judge a person for their sexual orientation. Why as parents we should love our children no matter what path they travel. That anyone deeply loving our children are gifts. Why would be not what our child to be surrounded by people who truly, deeply, and respectfully love them. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is blind.</p>
<p>[IT</a> COULD HAPPEN TO YOU - YouTube](<a href=“IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU - YouTube”>IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU - YouTube)</p>
<p><3 CS</p>
<p>@Hunt- so inviting them to my wedding and surprising them will probably be a bad idea :p</p>
<p>collegeshopping, THANK YOU for sharing that video.</p>
<p>I have a friend who has come out to just about everyone except for her parents. Part of it is to spare feelings, I guess, but what she told me was that she would very likely be disinherited and her father would not want her at the house which would limit time with her mother who is ill. He is a very hard man and has already cut out one of the siblings for what he considers cause and even 15 years later, refuses to have anything to do with him. Right now he is paying for all of the grandchildren’s colleges and picking up a lot of costs for the six children that he recognizes. He is very well to do, and my friend would be struggling without parental, specifically his financial assistance . She is divorced and the cihild support she gets for her one remaining child in high school is paltry. It would cost her tremendously to come out. </p>
<p>So she leaves her SO out of the picture when she visits her parents.</p>
<p>I think that, while the parents probably know if their child is gay, the child may have a very good idea if a parent just will not accept him or her.</p>
<p>Obviously, there are parents who the child THOUGHT would not and then they are loving and fully accepting.</p>
<p>But there are also some who the child will know that this won’t happen, at least not for quite awhile.</p>
<p>My DD, now a few years out of college, had two friends who were kicked out by their parents because they were gay. When finishing high school, they had to live with friends’ parents. And they were lucky in that they didn’t end up homeless and on the street. One set of homophobic parents were evangelical in religious orientation and saw their son as a sinner. The other ones were not religious but had other problems, involving alcoholism and intense anger and were highly anti-gay.</p>
<p>This stuff happens.</p>
<p>I agree, Momfromme. I was very surprised when a brilliant young woman I’d known through high school was cut off, when she came out. I had known the parents over the years, and they seemed to be ever so supportive, understanding, tolerant, etc. I would have put them last on the list of anyone who would go that route. But they did.</p>
<p>I am still waiting to meet the person who wakes up in the morning and tries to decide which gender to be attracted to today. </p>
<p>Parents should know what’s going on with their children.</p>
<p>This conversation has taken an upsetting route</p>
<p>OP, I think people are just sharing their experiences. Not all parents are as understanding as others. You simply have to gauge how you feel your parents will react. Then and only then can you rate your risk. It may seem like a lame response, but you have to follow you heart and be willing to accept what that means no matter what. You can’t un-ring a bell and yet not ringing it can mean your life is missing music that might turn an ordinary life into an extraordinary one.</p>
<p>I thought of this thread when a very good friend sent me the following link about a documentary based on their beautiful family. I thought some of you might enjoy seeing that not every gay teen/young adult is banished from their family when they come out. And also, that many, many gay couples become parents.</p>
<p>[a</a> bunchfamily.ca documentary - YouTube](<a href=“a bunchfamily.ca documentary - YouTube”>a bunchfamily.ca documentary - YouTube)</p>
<p>My wish isn’t to downplay the very real issues that some face when they come out but rather to show that many/most will eventually reach a place where their families are accepting and loving of them and their partners.</p>
<p>That’s a lovely story. Thanks, alwaysamom.</p>
<p>Regardless of the issue you do NOT owe your parents anything. Telling them or not is a matter of what is in YOUR best interest. If the consequences of their reaction hurts you that would affect your decision. If your parents are hurt it is their problem and they should be able to handle it. If not, do not let anyone blame you for causing them hurt/harm with a decision to tell them something they don’t want to hear.</p>
<p>Notice how I never stated above what the issue is- could be sexual orientation, or even religious or political views. Your parents do not own you. Of course you need to consider your wellbeing- if still a minor or or dependent on them for college et al. Any parent who feels their children must be as they dictate should look at their own family tree. Belief systems change- or there would be no Christians or Muslims today, for example.</p>
<p>Parents also need to deal with the hand they are dealt- not all children are born without physical or mental handicaps. Not all are tall, heterosexual or other ways of being normal but not what they wanted. How they accept this is a matter of their own maturity.</p>
<p>And it goes without saying that it is never okay to <em>out</em> another person; it is up to him/her/zher to decide when, where, and in what contexts to be <em>out</em>.</p>