Comments on common app essay?

Pre-College Topics High School Life
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<p>Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence. </p>

<p>Hot, mucky, and grimy: these were the thoughts that passed through my head as I paddled down the Potomac river, one of the most polluted rivers in the area, as part of a river clean up organization. I trudged down stream, peering closely at the banks for any floating trash. It was a difficult task which demanded strength to power through the currents and will power to withstand the harsh environment. Yet my strength was dwindling and my resolve was weakening. Exhausted and ready to give up, I desperately searched for motivation. Then I thought to my self, “This river serves five million people and is home to millions of animals. How many people can say they positvely impacted millions of lives!” I paused and smiled, shaking my head in amazement. “I know I can”, and I paddled on. </p>

<p>Word count: 139</p>

<p>I really enjoyed volunteering with this organization and I hope I showed that in my essay. Let me know if it didnt.</p>

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<p>It is a very interesting essay and I think, well written, but it is very short. I think it would benefit from more writing, especially on the influence part. How did the organization change you/make you who you are?</p>

<p>random little suggestions:
Where is the Potomac river?
You use the word ‘power’ twice in your third sentence. IMO it would sound better with one changed.
commas go before quotations - “I know I can,”</p>

<p>ALSO, are you sure this fits the prompt? It doesn’t seem so to me. I would change the selected prompt to one that matched better or the topic of your choice one.</p>

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<p>Thank you for the feedback. The actual prompt is:</p>

<p>Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below or on an attached sheet (150 words or fewer).</p>

<p>Sorry for the confusion lol. I will make the changes you suggested. Also the potomac river is a big river between Virginia, Maryland, and DC.</p>

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<p>I edited it and took out power and simply made it “will.”</p>

<p>It was a difficult task which demanded strength to power through the currents and will to withstand the harsh environment.</p>

<p>Also your right that I should mention more about how this influenced me. But im having trouble on where to fit it.</p>

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<p>Oh. That makes a lot more sense. :stuck_out_tongue:
I thought this was your common app essay (the 500 words or fewer one). In that case, forget what I said about the influence part.</p>

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<p>You could clump the nouns together:
It was a difficult task which demanded physical and mental strength to power through the currents and withstand (endure?) the harsh environment.
:)</p>

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<p>Yes that is much better!</p>

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<p>“Hot, mucky, and grimy: these were the thoughts that passed through my head as I paddled down the Potomac river, one of the most polluted rivers in the area, as part of a river clean up organization.”</p>

<p>I might say “words” instead of “thoughts.” They’re not really complete thoughts.
Instead of just saying “in the area,” say <em>what</em> area.
“Cleanup” is one word.</p>

<p>I trudged down stream, peering closely at the banks for any floating trash.</p>

<p>“Downstream” is one word.
“Searching the banks for any floating trash” might sound better.</p>

<p>“It was a difficult task which demanded strength to power through the currents and will power to withstand the harsh environment.”</p>

<p>“Willpower” is one word.
This sentence is awkward. I might say something like, “The task demanded strength to power through the currents and willpower to withstand the harsh environment.”</p>

<p>“Yet my strength was dwindling and my resolve was weakening.”</p>

<p>You don’t need the “yet.” The sentence doesn’t sound at odds to anything else you’ve said.</p>

<p>“Exhausted and ready to give up, I desperately searched for motivation. Then I thought to my self, ‘This river serves five million people and is home to millions of animals. How many people can say they positvely impacted millions of lives!’”</p>

<p>“Myself” is one word.
Fix the spelling of “positively.”
Maybe put a “have” between “they” and “positively.”
Question mark after the last sentence. </p>

<p>“I paused and smiled, shaking my head in amazement. ‘I know I can’, and I paddled on.”</p>

<p>Comma after “can” goes before the quotation mark.</p>

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<p>I edited it again. Newly added sentences are in bold.</p>

<p>Hot, mucky, and grimy: these were the words that passed through my head as I paddled down the Potomac river, one of the most polluted rivers in Virginia, as part of a river cleanup organization. I trudged downstream, searching the banks for any floating trash. Sure enough, I spotted tires, water bottles, plastic bags, and containers. As I continued my trek, the sun became more unforgiving and the insects became more of a nuisance. The task demanded strength to power through the currents and willpower to withstand the harsh environment. But my strength was dwindling and my resolve was weakening. Exhausted and ready to give up, I desperately searched for motivation. Motivation which can propel me past my breaking point. Then I thought to myself, “This river serves five million people and is home to millions of animals. How many people can say they have positively impacted millions of lives?” I paused and smiled, shaking my head in amazement. “I know I can”, and I paddled on.</p>

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<p>Looks good!</p>

<p>Some nitpicking:</p>

<p>With the last sentence, the comma after “can” goes before the quotation mark.
I’d also leave out “but” in the sentence “But my strength was dwindling and my resolve was weakening.” It implies that the previous sentence was something like, “The trek was easy.” The fact that you’re losing energy on a journey demanding strength and willpower isn’t surprising.</p>

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<p>In fact, I would replace “but” with “and” and combine those two sentences (the “willpower” one and the “dwindling” one).</p>

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<p>Thanks heather. I made the changes. Idk why I kept putting the comma after the quote.</p>

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<p>@purmou</p>

<p>Wouldn’t it be a run on sentence if I did that?</p>

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<p>No, since the previous “and” is a serial conjunction while the “and” I’m suggesting you add is the conjunction of the two independent clauses.</p>

<p>This is also not a run-on: “I looked through his collection of toys and gadgets and wondered whether […]”</p>

<p>EDIT: Oh yeah, I see what you mean. In the second sentence, change the and to a comma. It also adds a dramatic effect. </p>

<p>Also, a few minor wording changes cause it’s a bit awkward. Feel free to modify this version:</p>

<p>The task demanded strength to tackle the currents and willpower to withstand the harsh environment, and my strength was dwindling, my resolve weakening.</p>

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<p>Make sure you put a comma, though.</p>

<p>“environment, and my”</p>

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<p>I would take this down. People could possibly edit a few phrases of the activity and phrase it towards theirs and submit it.</p>

<p>But back on the topic, it is well-written. I like it! But best to keep to your self and your close ones.</p>

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<p>Or the college could Google phrases and think the OP has plagiarized.</p>