common app essay #4

<p>will someone please read my essay and give some feedback? Any kind of feedback is appreciated.</p>

<p>If you asked me to show you my home on a globe, I would have to use both hands, placing one on the United States and the other on Bangladesh. Before I knew it, I’d be hugging the sphere, but hugging barely illustrates my admiration for varying world of thought. Living as a Bengali girl in the United States, the two hemispheres – Bengali culture and American culture – intertwined and fused to create a lifestyle that revolved on open-mindedness, objectives, and compromise. </p>

<p>Throughout my life, each day proved nothing short of a vacation around the world: hamburgers and fries turned into rice and curry, shirts and jeans turned into salwars and sharis, and English turned into Bengali (or sometimes “Benglish”). For the first half of my day, I would attend school, being an American girl. For the second half of my day, I would be at home, being a Bengali girl. For years, I wondered about my identity. Who am i? Why am I not like everybody else? I tried to conform. I tried to pick one over the other, sometimes running East and other times running West. </p>

<p>Then, at the age of 12, my globe, my world, was enlightened by a star – a pop star that is. Observing Hannah Montana, an ordinary girl by day and pop star by night, I noticed she also lived a double life; she was like me. In fact, she embraced both personas, concluding a combination provided the best life. Her motto, “Best of Both Worlds,” soon became my motto and the identity crises resolved. </p>

<p>The theme of duality soon illuminated in all parts of my life, not only through cultural acceptance but also through learning compromise. When our school’s Scholastic Bowl team wanted to thank our coach by performing a song at karaoke night, many decisions had to made about the song – genre, lyrics, singers, etc. Three of us – Tori, Bryn, and I – began composing. We gathered around the piano: Tori placed her fingers on the black and white keys, Bryin grabbed a notebook, and I pulled out my pen. Brainstorming, we considered Lady Gaga, rap, and even dub step. Then in a moment of clarity we remembered how our coach worships the Beatles. The verdict was final – a Beatles song would prove the most meaningful. Next came the decision of which Beatles song to use. A debate suddenly arose as Bryn wanted to use the song “Revolution” and Tori insisted on “Let It Be.” Reflecting on my own past, I suggested we do a mash up of both songs. The crinkled eyebrows smoothened, and satisfied smiles emerged.</p>

<p>Tori later inquired on how I came with the mash up idea. In formulating a response, I realized its my dual culture that inspires me to combine ideas. Described simply, I have fully incorporated the best-of-both-worlds mentality preached by Hannah Montana. It is this mentality that influences me to study biomedical engineering as that, like myself, is also a mix of two worlds – medicine and engineering. In fusing the two academic areas to generate innovation, lives can be enriched around the globe, bringing health and comfort – similar to a hug.</p>

<p>wow, really? 48 people viewed this but no one replied…?</p>

<p>I like the theme and I think it was quite brave to include something as mocked as Hannah Montana but your grammar needs work. For example, “The theme of duality soon illuminated in all parts of my life,” is grammatically incorrect. It would be better to say “The theme of duality soon became apparent in all parts of my life,” or “the theme of duality WAS soon illuminated in all parts of my life.” There are a few sentences throughout your essay that you should reconsider and ensure respect the conventions of good writing. Good luck!</p>

<p>Really strong essay! I liked the Hannah Montana connection and love the intro. Like knsqld said, you should read over and make sure of your mechanics. One I noticed was in the second paragraph, the “I” needs to be capitalised in “Who am i?”</p>

<p>thank you guys, i really appreciate the catches! i feel like the whole paragraph about the beatles is kind of awkward. would i be better if i shortened it or got rid of it?</p>

<p>That was quite good. I think you could shorten the Beatles paragraph, but don’t get rid of it.</p>