Common App essay: From supervisor to “dad”, from unknown child to “son”

College Essays
1

<p>Prompt: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.</p>

<p>My essay:
One can not possibly have an influence on another without being influenced himself. What is important to know, however, is that the difference you can make in other people’s lives will, in most cases, have an even bigger impact on yours. I have come to gradually understand and live this truth throughout the four years that I have known Calin, the now 14 year-old boy of one of my mother’s friends.</p>

<p>The first time I met him, Calin would mostly stand aside, just watching the other children I was looking after have fun. I decided to approach him, and invited him over to my room to play some computer games. That was the start of our friendship. Every time we met after that, he would look for my company. We used to lock ourselves into my room, playing computer games or watching TV. When we weren’t together, we would text and chat regularly. I was happy to help him with his homework, and I would try my best to answer to all his curiosities. As days passed by, I was clearly improving my tutoring skills, making me more tolerable and patient with people. I was really excited to have a “little brother”.</p>

<p>Last summer, Calin went through a harsh situation: somebody who he had been considering a close friend for most of his life upset him so badly that he fell into depression. Suddenly, his being sad started to be my being sad. For three days, I’ve urged him to leave those that had happened behind. His last answer was the one phrase that would change me the most: “Thank you, daddy!”.</p>

<p>Those words came to me as a shock. It was just then that I realized how much of an impact my words had on him and his words had on me. I reflected on that matter for a few moments, then I texted him back: “You’re welcome, son. I am here for you whenever you need me. :)”. As a tear ran down my cheek, I have promised myself that I would do my best to be by his side whatever would happen, to be the kind of “father” that I have never had.</p>

<p>Calin has gradually become to me as important as any of my close family members. I would, without hesitation, give him my advice and help him at any time, no matter how busy I would be. His emotions would involuntarily become my emotions. Sometimes, I would even relate to my relationship with my father, and try to imagine how much different, if not better, it would have gone if he had acted towards me the way I acted towards my “son”.</p>

<p>Though we met each other for merely one month and a half in the last four years, young Calin has managed to substantially influence me. Thanks to him, I sincerely feel that my life has become richer now, for I have understood how big of a difference words can make to a person.</p>

<p>Please tell me what is your opinion regarding my essay. I should be submitting it tomorrow. Thank you.</p>

2

<p>cia3194
DO NOT POST YOUR ESSAY ON HERE.</p>

<p>Unless you really dont care about being plagiarised.</p>

<p>I’d elaborate abit more on the stuff that you’ve spoken about in the 3rd and 4th para and possibly do away with some stuff from the first 2!
best of luck!</p>

3

<p>I agree with Picklebump. I really think the focus should be on the influence. 1st para is rather unnecessary???</p>

<p>Just take my feedback for what it worths :D</p>

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<p>I’ll apologize in advance for my occasional Grammar or Spelling Police posts.
Understanding that no one is perfect (including me!) but if one is going to post an essay and ask for any kind of critique, I’ll offer the following.</p>

<p>There is a difference between “can not” (two words) and “cannot” (one word).
I won’t bother here with the details but 90 times out one hundred, the correct usage is one word.</p>

<p>“the difference you can make …” Are you telling the reader what difference he or she can make? I doubt it. You are referring to everyone or all people. In that case it’s “the difference one can make” or “the difference a person can make,” etc.</p>

<p>“I would try my best to answer to all his curiosities.” Odd-sounding, awkward but, at the least, remove the second “to.”</p>

<p>to have a “little brother”. Punctuation (almost always) goes within the quotation marks.</p>

<p>way I acted towards my “son”. Same.</p>

<p>There are other things that can be fixed up but those stood out at first glance. Very nice story. Enjoyed reading it.</p>

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<p>Can a moderator delete this thread, please?</p>

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<p>It seems very formal. Maybe try to tone down the language and really let your feelings for Calen be what the adcom notices, not your diction. </p>

<p>Just my opinion, do what you will. Great topic :slight_smile: </p>

<p>Would you mind taking a look at mine?</p>