Common App Essay Hook

<p>Applying to Stanford, Columbia, Harvard, NYU and a few others. Just finishing up my application. Curious as to whether or not I should stick with this (true story):</p>

<p>"Blood ran down my face in streaks; I drifted in and out of consciousness as the seconds passed — seconds felt like minutes . . . minutes, like hours. Around me, a crimson red pool formed, forever staining the glistening ice."</p>

<p>To be perfectly honest, I feel like it's almost a bit TOO dramatic. It's well written and you have some good diction going on there, so I'm definitely not saying that it's bad - it's just that the whole explanation is kind of a clich</p>

<p>i agree with raitapaita, it's too mock-epic. and "seconds felt like minutes" is definitely a clich</p>

<p>Edited it a bit. How's this?</p>

<p>"Blood ran down my face in streaks as I drifted in and out of consciousness. Around me, a crimson red pool formed, forever staining the glistening ice. My goggles lay shattered, thrown from my face amidst a chilling impact. And then I stood up, and I tried again."</p>

<p>i'd do "blood streaked down my face" and get rid of the "forever" but i think it's better now</p>