Common App Transfer essay

<p>Could someone check my essay for the CA?</p>

<p>Prompt: Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.</p>

<p>I'm an international transfer applicant, so let me know if there are any grammar/vocabulary mistakes. Thanks!</p>

<p>My essay: it's about 440 words.</p>

<p>It is 10 p.m., time to watch Law & Order. Every episode I put myself in the lawyer’s shoes defending someone at court. I just can’t help it. I want to be a lawyer or work in the legal area for a living; maybe even at the United Nations.
But before law school I want to study at a diverse academic environment. My current college here in Brazil offers me high demanding courses, but its curriculum is limited in both range and level. The breadth and depth of the curriculum at American institutions make me eager to study somewhere where I am challenged and able to delve into different areas of study and have a well-rounded academic experience.
I want to continue my studies in political science. However the courses at the political science department at my current institution are very limited and oriented toward the political theory subfield. I also have an interest in psychology, but my college does not have a psychology program. Both the political science and psychology programs at American institutions cover a broad range of issues and are full of opportunities for hands-on experience. They give a broad view and a better understanding of society, government, and the human mind and behavior. Therefore it perfectly matches my academic interests and professional goals.
My current college is making an effort to bring more research and extracurricular activities, but there is still a lack of hands-on opportunities. I want to study at a place where I have an array of opportunities to put my knowledge into practice, discover new interests and develop the necessary skills for a career in law.
The environment of an American university is very appealing for an aspiring lawyer. I have the opportunity to meet people from all over the world. This globalized atmosphere is great for both intellectual and personal growth. I will live with and experience diversity and see life through different perspectives. The mock trial and the program in Washington will sharpen my skills and the residential system will give me an active social life. I will also have the chance to finally bring out my athletic and artistic side.
An American university will give me a well-rounded education. It will challenge me to leave my comfort zone and dive into fields I would not be able to at my current college. It will be a great opportunity for self-discovery and development. I will receive a stellar education that will provide me the perfect background for law school. The dream of becoming one of those lawyers I watch every night will be one big step closer to reality.</p>

<p>anyone????</p>

<p>I don't know how seriously they will take you if your goal to become a lawyer is derived from watching a fictional t.v. show. I'm not a big fan of the topic sentence. Also, I know this essay has to apply to all institutions to which you are applying, but I don't think you're specific enough in explaining EXACTLY what/where it is that your school lacks in comparison with American institutions. I would consider focusing on a specific profession. If you want to be a lawyer, say it. Don't say "I want to work as a lawyer, or maybe in the legal field. Maybe even the UN." It's not exactly convincing. </p>

<p>Other than that, it's clear that you have passion, but I don't think this particular essay shows it.</p>

<p>Thanks! I'll work on it.</p>

<p>Post a revised copy of it when you're done. We can certainly assist you in writing a fantastic essay.</p>

<p>I tried to improve it:</p>

<p>During the education fair and the American universities information sessions in Brazil last year, I got sure that the United States is the perfect place to continue my education.
My current college here in Brazil offers me high demanding courses, but its curriculum is limited in both range and level. The breadth and depth of the curriculum at American institutions draw me in. I will be challenged and able to delve into different areas of study and have a well-rounded academic experience.
I want to continue my studies in political science. However the political science department at my current institution is very limited. The classes are not challenging and are oriented toward the political theory subfield, which lacks the practical approach that I seek. I also want to double major in psychology to support and deep my education in political science, but my college does not have a psychology program. Both the political science and psychology programs at American institutions offer me hands-on learning classes that cover a broad range of issues and give a broad view and a better understanding of society, government, and the human mind and behavior. Therefore they perfectly match my academic interests.
My current college is making an effort to bring more research and extracurricular activities, but there is still a lack of hands-on opportunities. I want to see how those subjects I learn in the classroom work in the real life. At an American university I have an array of opportunities to put my knowledge into practice, become a leader and discover new interests. It is a great opportunity for self-discovery and development.
I want to be a lawyer in the future and the environment of an American university is very appealing for my professional goals. I have the chance to develop and improve the necessary skills for a career in law. Thanks to the breadth of the curriculum I can take classes other than those from my major that will prepare me for law school such as creative writing and speech. Programs like the mock trial and the debate club are a great supplement for both my education and law school preparation.
The active social life I encounter at American universities enables me to meet people from all over the world. This globalized atmosphere is great for both intellectual and personal growth. I will live with and experience diversity and see life through different perspectives. I will also have the chance to finally bring out my athletic and artistic side.
An American university will give me a well-rounded education and a dynamic social life that are missing at my current institution. It will challenge me to leave my comfort zone and dive into fields I would not be able to at my college. I will receive a stellar education that will provide me the perfect background for law school. The dream of becoming a lawyer will be one big step closer to reality.</p>

<p>Whenever I write something I try to edit it immediately after writing it, and then I don't look at it for 2 or 3 days. After that, I sit down again and read it, and edit it again. It's been an incredibly successful method for me.</p>

<p>I just read through yours quick. It seems a bit more focused and is showing improvement in my opinion. Unfortunately I'm on my way to class now so I won't be able to suggest tips/corrections until I get home in about 6 or 7 hours.</p>

<p>You might not want to post your essay online for all to see. There have been instances of plagiarism from this website.</p>