Community College to top 25 schools... HELP

College Essays
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<p>THESE ARE ALL SUPER ROUGH DRAFTS! </p>

<p>Anyway, I’m going to start by giving the prompt and then the opening paragraph of my essays. I would prefer people who have attended/ are currently attending a college/ university to critique my essay (no kiddies allowed). I’m looking to apply to Vanderbilt, Brown, Cornell, Rice, Tufts, NYU, and UMiami (safety and uber warm)</p>

<p>Grammatical errors will be fixed later on. I’m really looking for over all ideas, thoughts, and feelings after reading my essays.</p>

<p>Critique on opening lines is also wanted! I want it to sound interesting.</p>

<p>Common APP Essay 1: Briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).</p>

<pre><code> Through my internship with the Chicago Zoological Society, I learned how to steal light bulbs, properly jump fences, and build a cardboard hotel for echidnas. These tasks gave me a sense of justice, agile limbs, and a disturbingly immature sense of humor. Surprisingly, I don’t often think back to these adventures. Instead, I revel in tasks that built the student that I am today.
Each day I came across a different…
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<p>Common APP Essay 2:Please provide a statement (appr. 250-500 words) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.</p>

<pre><code> It’s not easy trying to save a life. I used to daydream about spontaneously developing the knowledge, tools, and skills that would make me a super hero during emergencies. But those were just daydreams. I found out that real life isn’t quite like I imagined it to be.
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<p>The person I was trying to save was actually a terminally ill wallaby named John. I worked alongside veterinarians to try and find an…</p>

<p>Brown Essay 2:Please tell us more about your interest in transferring: Why does Brown appeal to you as a college option? Who or what has influenced your decision to apply? </p>

<pre><code> My college’s bookstore despises me. I don’t really blame them. Each semester I have the audacity to ask to return books that have more pencil, pen, and highlighter marks than actual reading material. I can’t help it though. The textbooks that I’ve read have delved into topics that I’ve never even heard of. Naturally, I’m a little curious…
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<p>If you’re interested in czeching them out/ offering an opinion then let’s exchange emails :smiley: ! Thanks!</p>

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<p>My two cents:</p>

<p>I read through your paragraph about your extra-curricular activity three times and I still can’t figure out what exactly your job was. I don’t think that section is supposed to be a piece of creative writing. I would answer it more straightforwardly - they just want details about the activity. Save the creative writing for your main essay.</p>

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<p>Hey thanks for the feedback! I actually agree and I’ll go ahead and give it another go.</p>