<p>wow…schwaby…you’re an essay guru…amazed</p>
<p>that was really thorough…if i get into pton, il personally come and thank u for this editing! thanks!</p>
<p>No problem man.</p>
<p>Schwaby has made good comments, take them seriously, </p>
<p>"
At TCIS, the same doors were shut for me as they were before at BFS. The student council was chosen the year before and dedicated students had already taken other leadership roles. The only way I could make a difference to my school community was to start something new initiate a new idea.
"</p>
<p>You should modify this paragraph a bit, for it gives more of an impression that you are interested in taking a leadership role, without doing all the homework. While your work shows that you did the hardwork, and it deserves to be represented well in the essay.</p>
<p>Try something like the following …But it should be your own voice, not mine or a person explaing your work to the adcomm, present it the way you conceived the idea…the way you opened a new door…the why part needs some re-work…</p>
<p>"I knew that opportunities are always abound, if i was really interested in making a difference to my school community, i should think up of a better way. What about something that not only creates an opportunity for me, and for those around me with similar interests.</p>
<p>It led me to figure out exactly what my interests are, and, keeping my community in perspective, where can be their best application. My deep interest in economics and fascination for the stock market led me to start a Stock Market & Investment Club. A club where students could learn about the investment and get hands on application of investment techniques. The experience and the virtue of team work at this club inspired me to expand that little idea into an enterprise, an investment company called StrikeGold ( <a href=“http://www.strikegold.tk%5B/url%5D”>www.strikegold.tk</a>).
"</p>
<p>If you like it this way…you can follow it to the end…or rather think of a better way to express your ‘association’ with your work… i am sure you will be able to do it!</p>
<p>Eventually, the experince(add in this sentence whatyou find appropriate)…i just filled it with what i found apt. :)</p>
<p>Good LUck!</p>
<p>wow my pakistani bro…thanks a lot!
I LOVE that sentence:</p>
<p>The experience and the virtue of team work at this club inspired me to expand that little idea into an enterprise, an investment company called StrikeGold ( <a href=“http://www.strikegold.tk%5B/url%5D”>www.strikegold.tk</a>).</p>
<p>…sounds AWESOME…</p>
<p>ahhhhh…the essay is 378 words!!! HELP!!!</p>
<p>Post your 378 word revision. There’s bound to be some words you can cut out.</p>
<p>At TCIS, the same doors were shut for me as they had been at BFS. The student council had been chosen the year before and dedicated students had already taken other influntial roles. I knew that opportunities are always abound, if I was really interested in making a difference to my school community, I should think of a better way to do so. What about something that not only creates an opportunity for me to grow, but also for those around me? This question led me to figure out exactly what my interests are, and, keeping my community in perspective, how I could make a difference.
My deep interest and fascination for economics and the stock market led me to create a Stock Market & Investment Club, an organization in which students could learn about investment and get hands-on experience with investment techniques. The experience and the virtue of team work at this club inspired me to expand that little idea into an enterprise, an investment company called StrikeGold (<a href=“http://www.strikegold.tk%5B/url%5D”>www.strikegold.tk</a>). StrikeGold Inc. advises investors on the stock market and suggests stocks for them invest in. With a low commission rate, I hope to attract more customers who will let StrikeGold invest on their behalves and allow my company gain profit. I found that several programs in school related to donation for North Korean refugees and I pledged that the companys profits would be used for charitable purposes. With the help of Mr. Don, Wood a senior advisor to the TCIS administration, I was able to found the trust that would deal directly with the revenue. StrikeGold has expanded to such an extent that it deals with investments total to over $60,000, and its revenue is accumulating.
As I write this sentence, I think of how the donations aid in alleviating poverty and suffering; how the medicines and clothes bought using the profits help the needy. Hundreds of people struggling in the biting cold of winter have been protected with the help of StrikeGold, some lives might have been saved. Helping people through an entrepreneurial project that I initiated gives me the greatest sense of satisfaction. I know that I have made a difference to the world.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>For the record, I take offense to that sexist comment. There are many “girls” who are “the entreprenuerish type” - you personally just haven’t met them. If you’re lucky enough to get into Princeton, that honor might just be bestowed upon you…</p>
<p>
influential is spelled wrong</p>
<p>
too wordy. You could easily cut this down and make it shorter. </p>
<p>And what happened to this sentence:</p>
<p>“The only way I could make a difference to my school community was to start something new initiate a new idea.”</p>
<p>It basically says everything that big long paragraph said, only better and with less words.</p>
<p>
fixed: No comma after Don</p>
<p>
fixed </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>By improving the lives of people through a business that I created, I know I have made a difference in the world. Nothing else in my life has given me more satisfaction</p>
<p>(Or something like that.)</p>
<p>If you follow my suggestions, your essay would be 290 words, which is pretty close to the suggested word limit.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Schwaby is right…it shouldnt be too wordy when you have got more substance to fit in the word limit.</p>
<p>Now you only need to work on individual sentences. Examine each one.
…like the North Korean refugees one…
examine it yourslef you will know automatically</p>
<p>and if yoou want to continue this thing in future, add a wrod or two about it in the last paragraph… not more than a couple of words… modify the last paragraph accordingly!</p>
<p>I think Schwaby you add a sentence…better at the end of sentence…cos i have also got to get rid of the loads of unnecessary stuf out of my essays 
i write three or four sentences when something can be said in 5-7 words…its an old habit :p</p>
<p>sincere thanks schwaby…I think u shud start ur own “college essay editing business”…ul become a millionare in a week! —> so u dont have to go Princeton ;)</p>
<p>So people go to Princeton just to become millionaires?</p>
<p>well some of them do…its the general trend…ppl dont go to princeton to live in the NYC subway…</p>