Competition (grade my essay, I beseech you)

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>This essay was done in less than 25 minutes under SAT I conditions. This is my first essay I have ever written for the SAT I, and so I have no prior experience in such matters. **Please take no more than 3 minutes to grade it, and make it out of twelve; be as brutal as possible, as you would to my mother **My thanks goes to you. </p>

<p>**Prompt: Do people have to be highly competitive in order to succeed? **</p>

<p>A competitive demeanor is indubitably crucial to one’s success . Several examples from literature and modern films clearly depict the an individual’s competitiveness as a necessity for prosperity. </p>

<p>In the novel Naruto by Sutachi Morooni, the protagonist Naruto is constantly exposed to pressure from his peers. His classmates chronically battle over which student will be given the title of supreme ninja, ultimately sparking Naruto’s highly competitive composition. This positive disposition inevitably leads to his working hard and perfunctory training. Eventually he obtains the unmatched level of Hokage, the titular appellation granted to the best and recognized ninja of the village. Therefore, the novel Naruto indeed proves that being highly competitive facilitates success. </p>

<p>The classic novel The Gleehouse by Hark Twine also demonstrates an instant in which a competitive disposition can bring about prosperity. In The Gleehouse, Kaitlyn Norris is invariably subjected to torment by her parents and classmates. Her peers at Mexington High make the dragging of her into derision a quotidian avocation, simply due to her low marks and repulsive SAT I scores. Kaitlyn’s anguish at this impudent mockery causes her to strive to become better than her peers. Studying amazingly hard, Kaitlyn gives rise to excellent grades and even a 2400 SAT I score. She was able to achieve and impress her peers due to such a modification in her academic disposition. Clearly, The Gleehouse’s Kaitlyn Norris proves that a competitive mental outlook can lead to indefinite success. </p>

<p>Through the film The Pursuit of Happyness, William R. Smith struggles to obtain a job to espouse his family financially. His family, which comprises of William and his beloved son, reside in a squalid edifice in which they soon are forced to leave due to Smith’s delayed payments. Miraculously though, William manages to bargain a job at a Biotechnology Company: Farentech Inc. However, in order for him to obtain the job, he must first undergo a rigorous intern program with sixty-nine individuals in which only one individual will obtain this lucrative job. William is subjected to much competition during this internship, conferring his competitive attitude. This attitude soon proves to be a much needed boon, however. Sagaciously working hard in order to become the best of the best, William manages to earn the job and secure a stable financial income to his family. Thus, a competitive spirit can only lead to happiness and success.</p>

<p>After carefully analyzing Naruto, The Gleehouse, and The Pursuit of Happyness, it can be concluded that a competitive personality can only confer success in an individual. Indeed, without competition, there is no stimulus to force the individual to strive and succeed. Having a competitive mental outlook is clearly necessary in order for an individual to be permeated with success.</p>

2

<p>11, I would say, outstanding for a first-time essay. Tone down a little on the rhetoric, for example just say “takes pleasure in taunting her daily” instead of “make the dragging of her into derision a quotidian avocation”. This is just a personal opinion. Overall, you’ve done a great job.</p>

3

<p>

LOL! Novel? More like a manga/anime series. Plus, you got the author wrong. I think you mean Masashi Kishimoto. And he never becomes Hokage. >_>

And if this novel is so “classic”, how come it doesn’t show up on a web search? ■■■■■?</p>

4

<p>If you do not know already, the SAT essay graders do not have the time (and I doubt they care) to verify every single example of the essay. </p>

<p>Please score my essay.</p>

5

<p>^Agreed, technical stuff like that is not going to affect the score.</p>

6

<p>^Blatantly incorrect facts do not qualify as “technical stuff”. Essay graders are more competent than you are assuming.</p>

7

<p>I think that essay graders are less competent than you are assuming. They have about a minute for each essay.</p>

8

<p>

Sure, you can make up personal examples for the essay. What you can’t do is make up examples and pass them off as real novels or give fake authors for your examples. Considering that only one of your examples is actually correct, I give this essay a 6-8.</p>

9

<p>It would be a good idea to stick to simpler vocabulary. Your use of some of the less common words in English is not quite right–and this marks you as a non-native writer. It is not necessary to use “SAT vocabulary” to score high on the essay.</p>

<p>A few examples of problems with word choice in your essay:
“perfunctory” training means that the person is just going through the motions without being committed to the training. I don’t think this is what you intend.
“titular appellation” would never be used by a native English speaker, since “title” would suffice
“quotidian avocation” will make the reader laugh (sorry). “Quotidian” is rarely used in ordinary writing (such as the SAT essay). “Daily” would be better. Also “hobby” or “occupation” or “practice” would be better than “avocation.”
“Sagaciously” is not really needed in its sentence.
“espouse his family financially” doesn’t make any sense in English. One of the other English translations of the word you know would be better. “Support” would work instead of “espouse” in this context.
“the dragging of her into derision” should be “deriding her.” Simpler forms are generally preferable in English.
Instead of “squalid edifice,” “squalid setting” or “squalid building” would be better.</p>

<p>Also, there are some phrases that do not involve unusual words in English, but don’t follow the close meaning of the words, either. Examples of these are:
“highly competitive composition” The word “composition” is not the right choice here. I think you mean “nature.”
“best and recognized” is an awkward construction, because it pairs a superlative with a simple adjective. You might want “best and most recognized” or just one or the other of those.
Where you have “instant,” you mean “instance.”
A situation can “give rise” to something else, but a person does not “give rise” to it.
“indefinite success” is uncertain success. It is not “unlimited” or “unbounded” success.
“Through the film” should be “In the film,” unless William R. Smith produced the film.
“comprises of” is an incorrect use of the preposition.
Competition doesn’t usually “confer” a competitive attitude.
One secures a stable income for the family, not to the family.</p>

<p>It might seem like it from the discussion on CC, but an SAT I score cannot actually be “repulsive.”</p>

<p>I’d also advise you to try to dig a little deeper into the analysis. You haven’t really written much about competitiveness per se. The example of Katelyn seems to illustrate that teasing, rather than competition, can motivate a person to succeed. You have the opportunity to discuss the relations of Smith and Naruto to their competitors, but you have not used it.</p>

<p>You have made the point that competition can spur an individual to work harder, and that will lead to success. However, your examples do not support your conclusion–it is much too strong, given the examples that you have presented.</p>

10

<p>If you were to write this on testing day, it would probably get a 10+.</p>

11

<p>@ACTtester: you can make up novels/movies as it does not say anywhere you can’t, and because they have at max 2 minutes to read your essay, they would probably not notice.</p>

<p>@Quantmech: I purposely made the essay more wordy, as I hear excess/high vocabulary warrants a double digit score on the essay portion of the SAT.</p>

12

<p>^That is not necessarily correct. The critical reading section will test your ability to recognize and use high-vocabulary words well enough, you don’t need to overdo it on your essay. And as Quantmech pointed out, you misuse many “SAT words” in this essay. If you insist on using high vocabulary, make sure you do so correctly. Nothing interrupts your flow or distracts your reader more than an out-of-place “SAT” word where a simpler word would suffice. The last thing you want is to seem like you’re trying too hard, and fail.</p>

13

<p>What? I think this essay is a little too concise. i say an 7 or an 8</p>

14

<p>^Concise? I don’t think so; as various posters have duly alluded to; a significant plethora of ColeSprouse’s syntactical entities constitute the paragon of pedantry. Nonetheless, the essay isn’t bad. I’d rank it as a 9 or 10. All of the examples say the same thing. ColeSprouse has talent though; he/she could conceivably acheive an 11-12 on test day.</p>

15

<p>Alright, so I clearly need to work on my word choice. It also appears that I need to construct better examples within a limited time period for greater in depth analysis. </p>

<p>Anything else I need to work on?</p>

16

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<p>Exactly. You don’t see Hemingway using every big word possible in the English dictionary. It’s gotta flow. A sesquipedalian essay isn’t an attractive essay.</p>

17

<p>Two more suggestions, ColeSprouse:</p>

<p>If you have access to the New York Times, read their editorials, letters to the editor, and op-ed columns (on the page facing the editorial page). This will give you an excellent idea of the vocabulary level that is best to use on the SAT essay.</p>

<p>I realize that there is very little time for thinking during the SAT writing section. However, if you ask yourself “Why?” and “How?” about your assertions, for a short time, it will help to add analytical depth. For example, you are making the assertion that competition spurs people to work harder, and therefore they accomplish more. Probably most people would agree with this; but it doesn’t offer any deeper level of insight. If you ask yourself “Why do they work harder?”–well, at the first level of thought, they work harder because they think that will make them more effective and they want to win. That didn’t add much. But now if you ask yourself “Why do they want to win?”–then, you might be on track to something that is not totally obvious. Why <em>do</em> they want to win? What do they hope to gain from winning, that would not be gained by simply working hard to achieve mastery? This also gives you the opportunity to discuss the relationships among competitors. If you ask yourself “How do they work harder?”–then you have the opportunity to provide details of the work or practice that will strengthen your essay considerably. The readers seem to really like vivid details. If you don’t have time for both the “Why?” and “How?” you could pick just one, but try to go in depth. Even “What?” can be a useful question. There is not too much uncertainty about the nature of competition, but what constitutes success? The understanding that a person has of “success” will influence the direction of the essay. </p>

<p>SAT readers tend to reward essays that contain some elements they have not already seen several hundred times. Any approach that produces a distinctive essay (within the bounds of civility) is likely to work well.</p>

<p>Another strategy that may work with SAT questions: try to defend the less common position (in this case, that is it not necessary to be highly competitive in order to succeed). This will work as long as you can support your claim.</p>