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<p>That’s not surprising. I would guess most of the students on here have free access to roam the Internet doing random and/or pointless things. Meanwhile, most of the parents on here are probably of the strict/helicopter variety. (NTTAWWT)</p>
<p>^^Wrong. Most parents here are roaming the Internet doing pointless random things. CC has consumed our lives; we’ve got no time for helicoptering.</p>
<p>LOL, I guess it’s true that the Parent Cafe is like a subdued version of HSL.</p>
<p>Thank you to everyone for all the great insights.</p>
<p>Reading this thread was interesting - I started out feeling pretty good about letting him have the computer in his room, but the feeling changed as I read on. At one point I decided to move it out of there. Then a few parents put me back in the middle. I guess at this point I am on the fence. If I do decide to move it elsewhere, though, I won’t worry too much about insulting him. 
He is pretty lucky to have the system he has at all (and that will be true anywhere in the house).</p>
<p>I really do worry about kids having their first exposure to complete internet freedom when they get to college. That was probably the biggest reason for my decision. I guess as of right now I would rather monitor the situation, and try to guide/teach him while he is still here.</p>
<p>I have used BeSafe as an “online nanny” for a while now (it blocks almost everything, and records key strokes and sites visited), but in the three days that the new computer has been turned on, I haven’t yet installed it there. This is because it is a MAJOR pain in the neck, and our computers have never worked as well since having it installed. On the other hand, it really does a great job of keeping parents in control. Having software like this allows parents to ease into complete internet freedom more gradually. You can block out everything at first, and then allow more and more as maturity increases.</p>
<p>Does anyone have a recommendation on software they really like which does the online nanny thing? I am hoping to find something that works better than BeSafe.</p>
<p>I do agree, by the way, that the internet is a dangerous place even for high school aged kids. And boys can get into porn and addictive video games. The thing is, I would imagine that even when computers are in main areas of the home, in most families there has to be time when the child is home alone, right? Or at a friend’s house? Teenagers also often stay up way past the parents in many families. I guess I just think that if a kid wants to access porn or the wrong kind of video game, he will probably find a way. Software that records activity is probably the best deterrent, although having the computer in an open area would certainly cut down the amount of time during which a young person could get into trouble.</p>
<p>just a random story of a friend who installed one of those monitoring software on her kid’s computer when child went to boarding school, she installed it on a visit when spouse took child out of the room for a walk.
I don’t think my friend slept for months monitoring what the kid was up to. All IM’s, sites visited etc., put about 20 years on her. Some of it was hair raising, more so the activity kid was up to while at boarding school. Porn etc. is always a draw for some, it is the in real life stuff activity that scared her.</p>
<p>I would rather know. I would rather gain the 40 years of age. I think (hope?) that if kids know their online travels are being recorded, they will behave differently. Of course, the ideal situation would be if they just did what we want them to because of amazing levels of integrity. I would even take guilt as a motivator. However, if I have to, I am not above employing a little healthy fear. :)</p>
<p>^Your friend could have chosen software like BeSafe (ideally a better one) which can block just about everything except for sites necessary for school. If you mean real world scary stuff as in the student’s chats and IM’s with friends, I guess the remedy for that is complicated. How do you impose consequences if your information was obtained secretly? What I have always done is be completely up front about using nanny software. It’s no secret. So if I ever see something inappropriate, I will impose consequences which may end up limiting other freedoms in addition to online time.</p>
<p>Maybe your friend could have been open about the nanny software and just nipped the inappropriate activity in the bud? Maybe it could have been a good teaching opportunity if used in the right way? The other side of this issue is, how freaked out would most of our parents have been if they could have been a fly on the wall to hear about all of our activities, and listen to our conversations? </p>
<p>It is always a challenge to strike just the right balance between giving kids freedom so they have room to grow up, and still keeping them safe.</p>
<p>yep, that was the eventual issue. What to do once she knew? For her it was the activities at the age of 14 that worried her, sex meet ups etc, as well as her over active imagination of what certain slang meant and was it more talk than action. Husband had to intervene and educate in depth of actions/consequences. Water now under the bridge kid is now 19, but at the time she drove herself almost mental.</p>
<p>My daughter (now in college) was one of few elementary and middle schoolers whose family did not own a computer. She relied upon the public library for research materials, and used school computers to prepare selected assignments and projects. When it became obvious to me that my daughter’s lack of a home computer placed her at an academic disadvantage relative to her middle school classmates, my family bought our first (and only) desktop computer. We were cramped for apartment space, so I set up the computer in our livingroom. Despite my best effort to ensure that my daughter had a suitable study environment, her Other Parent was stubbornly uncooperative; our daughter was often forced to do her computer-based homework assignments amidst disruptive noise (television, stereo, telephone) and distracting activity. Many nights, she was unable to complete “assigned today-due tomorrow” homework until after Other Parent had gone to bed, and by then, she was also tired (as well as justifiably angry and crunched for time). </p>
<p>In retrospect, I should have placed the computer in my daughter’s bedroom, not our livingroom.</p>
<p>As your son progresses through high school, he will have an increasing need to use a home computer for researching, writing, and printing homework assignments. He will also need to use the computer to register for college entrance exams, to research and apply to colleges and scholarship programs, and to prepare his FAFSA and other forms. If your son’s bedroom is the place in your home where he is most assured a suitable (reasonably quiet and relatively free of disruptive family activity) study environment, then that’s where the computer should be located.</p>
<p>If you have concerns that your son will use the computer inappropriately, then install (and know how to use) a good-quality security program with owner controls which will enable you to block both individual websites and broad classifications (porn, games, chat rooms) of websites you consider inappropriate for your son to access. Also, make sure your son knows that Internet access can make the computer vulnerable to various types of malware; impress upon him that if he uses the computer, then he has a responsibility for helping to keep the system safe and secure. Finally, make sure your son understands that the computer belongs to you (not to him), and so, you have the right to monitor how he uses the computer, and to impose sanctions for misuse.</p>
<p>I suggest you leave the computer in your son’s bedroom, for now. Closely monitor how your son uses the computer. Be crystal clear about what you will and won’t allow, and make sure your son’s visiting friends are aware of your computer use rules, too. If intentional misuse becomes evident, then relocate the computer from your son’s bedroom to a common area of your home.</p>
<p>My parents give me complete freedom to do whatever I want on the computer in my room, mainly because I know how to regulate my own computer usage. Part of this is that they don’t know too much about computers, and I am usually the one keeping THEM from whatever the scam or virus of the day is. Still, after a while, it becomes too much to just keep my eyes planted on that screen, so I head downstairs. I’ve never had a problem with schoolwork or extreme isolation, mainly because I really don’t play video games. For some odd reason, I just never got into them.</p>
<p>I have a desktop computer in my room, but I had a laptop up until a couple of months ago and I’m getting a new laptop for college at some point in the next month. When I had a laptop, I liked being in some common area of the house better than being isolated in my room like I am now.</p>
<p>Really, I think the best idea would be to see how your kids do without too many regulations. If they are starting to miss homework assignments or withdraw from the family, then start clamping down on usage. The internet, whether you like it or not, is a huge part of everyday life in today’s world, and not providing a good balance between too much and too little can be devastating in numerous ways.</p>
<p>The safety issue is sticky, since no respectable parent would knowingly allow their child to come in contact with a dangerous person or experience something that could be potentially damaging. Still, the child should be educated about such matters, as this is much more important in the long run. Teach a man to fish, and so on. Relying blindly on filters without allowing the child some discretion would not adequately prepare them for the ‘real’ internet, so to say.</p>
<p>I could not imagine not having a computer or TV in my room. Since freshman year I have always had one with the ability to do what I want. If I stayed up to late freshman and sophomore year (past midnight) my parents would get mad but other than that I was fine. I had games on both my Xbox and on the computer that I played regularly, but I also maintained the toughest academic schedule possible, marching band, club swimming year-round, and several clubs. And a social life to boot. But yea, it helped that I never liked WoW or any other time-consuming MMORPG’s.</p>
<p>Yeah, video games aren’t dangerous in general. Some MMORPG’s can get a person hooked, but those aren’t extremely widespread. I actually play minesweeper more often than any other game I have right now.</p>
<p>My D had a laptop in her room all through HS and is now in college. I wouldn’t let either of my kids have computers in their rooms until HS when I felt that they were ready to handle the responsibility. It’s just like anything else, crossing the street, taking the subway, being out alone—you teach them how to be safe, alert, and aware of the dangers. I think my H and I are on the more relaxed end of the spectrum of parents here. We would never do secret surveillance or spying programs, and I’m of the school of thought that believes parents don’t need to know everything. So far, so good. (I wonder if it’s because of our relaxed attitudes that our kids didn’t feel the need to push their limits.)</p>
<p>Quick question for all the parents; how many of YOUR parents didn’t let you have a t.v. in your bedroom?</p>
<p>Umm… some of us didn’t even have a TV in the house. I did though. One TV. Three channels.</p>
<p>For all the people who restrict usage and have filters and such, are you gradually allowing more computer freedoms as these children get ready to leave for college? I can see restricting usage and filters for young teenagers (we did and do the same) but not for late high schoolers, and certainly not for graduating seniors who are leaving the house in a matter of months. Just as there are often issues with imploding children leaving the homes of overly restrictive parenting in other areas (too strict curfews, etcetc), there is the possibility that the kids with restricted and overly monitored use in high school will implode in college with the new freedoms and no parents’ watchful eye.</p>
<p>I don’t particularly like computers in the bedroom (and my kids didn’t and don’t have them there, although the older one took a laptop in his room many nights in late high school to finish homework and, I am sure, to chat with his friends), but I believe in gradually releasing the reins so that children are equipped to deal with the new freedoms that they have in college. To go from being totally controlled, to having complete freedom, spells trouble for a whole lot of kids.</p>
<p>Vyse, Funny question. Just like shrinkrap, many (most?) of us grew up with one TV in the house. I remember when The Wizard of Oz came out in color. My sister and I went to a neighbors house to watch it because we only had a black and white set.</p>
<p>We had a time lock on our son’s computer because he was addicted to World of Warcraft. We took it off after HS graduation and he quit the game first semester freshman year on his own. We have a full finished basement so that’s where two of our computers usually are. I guess we’re fortunate in that we have more then two choices of location. We also have a computer that lives in the family room but my husband and I usually share that one.</p>
<p>Great post, timecruncher.</p>
<p>I do like security software, especially for children and young teens. I also believe in removing the restrictions you can impose gradually (peeling off levels of protection, and adding websites), so that young people have a reasonable amount of time before college in order to experience the internet in its entirety. I think the more you can delay (or at least limit) exposure to certain things, the better.</p>
<p>As for WOW and games like that, I really believe in restrictions. I have heard of people having big problems with addiction to certain games. It completely destroyed the marriage of someone I know. The husband was addicted to WOW, and there was nothing the wife could do to turn things around. It was so sad. He was really sick - he wasn’t taking care of his responsibilities or himself (he was an early retiree and became engulfed). I think that while some people are genetically disposed to addiction, addiction can also be acquired by too much exposure to certain things (painkillers, alcohol, gambling, sex, video games). Young, rapidly developing brains are considerably more vulnerable to damage than older ones. I believe that online porn, virtual (or real gambling), and certain video games can be more dangerous than many people realize.</p>
<p>With my older 2 the answer was a definite NO. No computer, no TV. First we had the desktop in our laundry room. We moved it to the family room when we would find my middle child awake in the middle of the night playing computer games. We tried taking the cord upstairs at night but that was a pain. As he got a bit older we had porn stage. By moving it to the family room which was closer to our bedroom we ended that problem.
As the price of laptops dropped my youngest begged to use some money she had saved for a computer. My spouse relented and she bought her own computer. We have the rule that the computer and cell phone sleep upstairs with Mom and Dad. This prevents the being up most of the night with friends online or text messaging.
We have wireless in part of our house. The interesting thing I have noticed with my big kids is that as they have gotten older they are less likely to do their computing in their bedrooms. My oldest on her last visit left her laptop turned on the family room coffee table for her entire visit.</p>
<p>Perhaps just an aside, but I never thought of our approach as a restriction. To me, that presumes everyone in the family is somehow ENTITLED to a TV, etc, in their room, and the parents are taking them away or limiting them. To me, having those things are a privilege that you earn, perhaps by getting a job, buying a home, and then having the disposable income this entails.</p>
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<p>Not only did I not have a TV in my bedroom, neither did my parents. And neither did any of my friends. Somehow we all stumbled through.</p>