24 years ago I met N and R in a mom and me class. We were all older mother’s with birth daughters and adopted
sons from South Korea. We became fast friends. We then became friends with a younger woman, C, who taught us
Spanish in her home for 4 years. ( this is just to establish history).
N’s husband is very controlling. We use to have dinners as a group–in fact did for years when the boys were
young–took 15 minutes at a time each to watch them–good times. The last few times N’s H was super rude to
all of the women but especially me as I was the only one with strong opinions. Everyone noticed it. The last time
I said enough and so have never spent time with him again–about 10 years. C refuses to spend time with him
for his controlling behavior.
Our friend N has become super thin, anxious, completely covers her body arms and legs at all times.
R told me tonight that when they see each other at the gym N goes into a private bathroom to change.
N adores adores babies and when R’s nieces were born she was over at R’s house every time the babies were
there. N will not make a plan with me for lunch or to see R’s grandkids and refuses to R to visit and now I find that
a mutual friend is finding the same.
C is very bold and clear in her thinking and she agrees with me that N is possibly being abused.
R and I mull but are pretty convinced.
The husbands get together occasionally and cannot imaging such a thing. BUT they agree he dominates
conversation even with them and it can be difficult.
Right now N is refusing any meeting that I offer.
Any ideas here? We have the occasionally phone call or email but I do not know if she has any privacy.
I have worked with abused women but when they were willing to talk to me and they were not a friend.
I would suggest continuing to reach out to N, in an effort to get closer to her. However, there may be other people in her life, like R and C, who are already closer or who could become closer. Do you know any of her relatives you could speak with? Can you anonymously provide her with information about how to contact a domestic violence hotline?
You can lead a horse to water. That’s all you can do.
She could have a medical condition/problem. Maybe you could frame it as a concern about her health. She’s looking very thin lately, not herself, yada, yada…is anything wrong? What about her daughter? are you or your D close enough to her to express concern? Again, I would frame it as about your generic concern for her health, so you are not seen as attacking the husband or intruding on something where you might be told to mind your own business.
I’m sure you’re already familiar with countless resources from your POV as a service provider. It’s hard to handle it from the perspective of a friend.
Thanks everyone. It was helpful to write this out.
I am the closest as far as truly talking with her although in the past R has spent more time
as they live close to each other. I am the only one that will talk with her about difficult things.
I will just increase efforts to meet for coffee or go see the babies together.
I think we have somewhat avoided her as she is so anxious and repeats herself and
talks in circles. This family has had a lot of difficult things to deal with with a SIL living with
cancer for the last 2 years. So the anxiety I understand.
It’s just a thought @oregon101. Do you wonder if your friend is struggling with an eating disorder? Many of the things you mentioned mirror an eating disorder.
One of the things about an eating disorder is that you control what you eat because you are not able to control things around you. It’s much more complicated than that but is a simple idea of what happens. Idk if your friend is being abused but it’s nice of you to care. Also if she is struggling with an eating disorder (or disordered eating) meeting somewhere that offers food is something she might avoid.
Yes, I have thought that. I have wondered if she is clothing herself from wrist to ankle because she bruises
easily.
Thanks deb922, I had forgotten about that possibility and is might fit better.