All of those things combined would raise major red flags for me and I would get administration involved. There is one thing you said that I don’t understand.
“The roommate has turned off my son’s alarm at least twice (my son watched him do it) and denied it, causing my son to miss his first class.”
How did your son miss his class if he saw the roommate turning off the alarm, at least twice?
The threat needs to move up that otherwise good list, IMO.
Yes to the need for immediate action. Moving to a new room is a start. Also agree to just focusing on the death threat, unclean habits and perhaps sleeping pictures because the restaurant story just makes OP look a bit nuts.
-Son wakes up to find roommate touching him.
From the list above, these are the items I would emphasize. I would leave out the others. State FACTS, not feelings or hunches.
I think the threat is most powerful as the concluding point because it leaves foremost in the reader’s mind what might happen if the school fails to act or if the action is bungled. Also, kids do joke and say dumb things. IMO, this threat is clearly a threat because of the other facts here but if that statement were listed first or without the context of the other things, school admin is likely to categorize it as one of those “dumb things kids say but don’t mean”.
Thank you, I am passing this along. Of course he has to do all this himself, which is frustrating for me, because I want to do it all and do it now. People say they would go there and move their kid out, but that’s just not going to magically happen. We do need a cover like you said.
My daughter got involved with a stalker in her senior year at university. At the time, she and I both were fixated on some issues he had caused in her life and figuring out how to fix things so she could graduate on time (this was in the spring of senior year.) We met with a person in the student affairs office of her major, this was a mature woman, probably in her 50s, and obviously well-experienced in this stuff. She said to us (in what was a real slap in the face for us), “what are you thinking, can you get her out of here?” She helped us see the potential seriousness of the situation, and supported my DD through the next year of getting her degree. I remained in touch with her for quite some time to report how well things turned out.
Honestly, had she not been so strong in her opinion, I don’t think DD or I could or would have gone to a place other than getting her finished up that summer at that location.
Can you find an advisor like that at your son’ school? Someone who’s been around a while, who knows the system, etc…
Going to the head of residential life and making sure it’s confidential are good ideas.
But omit the parts about diagnosing the roommate with antisocial personality disorder or any other mental illness. You are not qualified to make that assessment, it would be considered offensive and you’d weaken your position in the eyes of the school. No need to go there. Stick with the facts and your requested resolution.
@Territapper , at the very minimum, do whatever you can to have the school move your son to a new room immediately. Not next month. Not next week.
Your list of reasons should begin and end with:
In my opinion, nothing else matters enough to warrant putting on the list. Once you say “murder threat” it is too far a drop to “sloppy.”
Don’t worry about how the report will affect the other roommate. You primary, and honestly only, concern is your child. Report this behavior to BOTH the campus security and the campus housing department. If they don’t agree to move your son immediately, contact the local police department where the campus is located and convey your complaint.
But take action today.
Personally, I’d probably be in my car now to “visit” the situation, but that’s just me. I’m all for letting my son work out his own problems, but some situations demand a parent’s attention. This is one such situation.
I agree that your son should go to the head/director of residential life (not RA) and to security/police with a list of all of the odd behaviors/threats.
He needs to get out now–enough is enough.
(A creepy stalker guy once showed up at my workplace on another continent after he was rejected by the employer. I had spoken to this guy once, briefly, at an orientation before he was canned–he acted like he was my best friend, wanted to stay at my house! (Fortunately, another co-worker “rescued” me.) Creeper guy “visited” other employees, also. Same guy called my husband’s office/left a message 20 years later! He also left a message on the employer’s FB “alumni” group. Just wouldn’t go away. There are some weird people out there…)
Like they say in journalism, don’t bury the lede! Start with the threat then says I think it is serious because here is other alarming/concerning behavior. Then present additional evidence.
OP, if you can’t get there in person, you can make phone calls.
Yes you can intervene as a parent. Your kid has been threatened
Yes, I wouldn’t focus on the other things. I just mentioned those here. I also left a lot of other things out.
I am so sorry OP. This roommate sounds so creepy and his behaviors are very disturbing. I don’t think your son could or should handle this alone as he is only a freshman, might he also have left out other threats that you don’t even know? At least your son has those pictures as “evidence”? Get involved and don’t let your son handle this alone. Your DS would not have told you if that was his intention.
OP - You can intervene. This is a safety issue. Does the school have someone in the Dean of Student’s office that acts is a parent liaison? If so, call that person as well as the head of residential life. I would also go to the police.
I agree with sticking to the facts and just focusing on the threat, the touching, the photos.
Why can’t you intervene? I am not a helicopter parent but I have intervened when necessary, such as when the Lebanese government was threatening not to renew my son’s student visa. I called his university and asked them to get involved, which they did. Sometimes our kids need our help, and I would say this is one of those times.
@Territapper, how far are you from campus?
Make no more excuses, gather your stuff and go to campus. Remove your son now from this situation. He obviously does not see the seriousness of this.
It’s off, it’s weird, your son needs to get out of there today, now!
Go to campus, drag your kids to the appropriate people. Not the RA, the police, head of housing someone!
This behavior is too off and too odd and your kid needs it to stop right now. Today. Drag the kid if you have to.
I am being very direct because you seem to be making excuses and delaying. This is hard but is very very serious.
I am not one to get involved and neither are most of the posters I’ve seen commenting. But the time is now.
Get your kid out of this situation however you can.
Just to be clear, I was not suggesting that OP or her son tell anyone that they suspect any particular diagnosis. I was simply trying to give context to the situation with my own thoughts.
Oh my goodness. You have excellent advice from everyone else. I will just say that I feel for you and your son and I will be keeping you all in my thoughts. This is one of everyone’s worst nightmares with a roommate. I can not imagine how much you are worrying and I give your son a lot of credit for handling this as well as he has.
No, this is not an RA situation. An RA is just another student - don’t even bother. This needs to go much higher. I usually say students should handle things themselves but in this case I think it requires an in-person meeting with you and your son with the highest level possible of both security/ police and housing. At my son’s university the chief of police gives his cell phone number to parents. I really think the police will want to hear from you.
I love the idea of hiring a private investigator. This kid probably has a past an an investigator could dig that up pretty quickly. Take that to the school. I bet kids in his high school could tell you plenty. Everyone is six degrees from separation - do you have any contacts from his home town? Not to scare you but I once met a friend of a former neighbor whose daughter was murdered by a boyfriend. The Dad told me that if he had only hired an investigator they would have known all they needed to know in 10 minutes. My children were young and he advised me to trust my gut and take action if needed when they are older. I am passing this on to you.
Stay in a hotel and have your son tell the roommate you insist he stay with you during your visit? Then use the next 2 days to deal with the situation?