My son met his current roommate over the summer and they decided to room together. I am very concerned about how his roommate is behaving and I feel at this point it’s not just about two people not getting along. In the summer when we were at the school for orientation, our family was seated outside having dinner at a restaurant. I spotted his roommate across the street looking directly at us. He crossed over, said a quick hello and disappeared. The next day, we were out to lunch at a different restaurant, and in comes his roommate with his mother.
Although the school is HUGE, I chalked these two times up to coincidences. Now I totally believe his roommate is stalking him. I have spoken privately to some parents on a FB page for the school and they won’t even post my concers about the situation annonymously because they said my son should contact the police. But really, there is just no proof and my son is afraid it would stir the pot.
They both started out making the same friends. The roommate ends up not wanting to go out but tries to manipulate my son into feeling guilty for going. The roommate is a pig. The room smells and there are empty food containers everywhere that my son has cleaned up several times. The roommate actually will sit at my son’s desk (which is really odd) and send him a picture of himself eating at it. The roommate has turned off my son’s alarm at least twice (my son watched him do it) and denied it, causing my son to miss his first class. The roommate takes pictures of my son while he is sleeping and sends them to other people. The roommate lies about a lot of things. He also unplugs my son’s cell phone when he’s sleeping. My son said he was sleeping and he woke up to the roommate patting him on the head? What?
Once the roommate said to my son: “If you ever go behind my back, I’m not going to say I’ll kill you, because that would be a threat, but let’s just say bad things are going to happen.” There is absolutely no proof of this to report to anyone.
I also feel that if my son talks to an RA, they will just treat this like run of the mill roommate issues and if they were forced to go to mediation, the roommate would just act like nothing is wrong and there are no issues.
I keep telling my son he needs to move out (he does spend several nights in his friend’s dorm room), but the school is overcrowded as is. There are several other things going on, but I just gave some hightlights.
I can’t seem to convince my son that this could be a very serious situation. Any advice?
I recommend that he goes to campus security. They can make a determination about how to proceed. I think that the death threat should be addressed first and foremost. I would not treat this lightly if your son feels his life is threatened (which it sounds like you do think this)
That is a death threat, no matter how he disguised it. I don’t like to get involved with my kids’ colleges but I definitely would in this case. You don’t need to “prove” it IMO.
Read “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin de Becker. A great resource to help your son understand how to back away from his roommate.
Restraining orders and other similar tactics a college might issue to a student can backfire and actually ramp up the roommate’s anger and trigger physical violence.
I suggest you get a professional counselor to help you and your son understand how to disengage from the roommate safely.
This is not about switching rooms. If roommate remains on campus, he can take revenge. Even if school kicks roommate out and bans him from campus, he could still take revenge.
This roommate could turn out to be a common bully, but he could also be a psychopath. As s parent, I would want to tread lightly, gather evidence, try to orchestrate situations so there are witnesses to roommates actions/words, and get professional help.
I would not involve the school administration until you have a better assessment of how dangerous the roommate is.
This is exactly why we are hesitant to report it. Except for it to go on record, I don’t feel it’s going to amount to anything except get the roommate agitated. Then what?
As far as the summer experience, thumper1, it has everthing to do with it because I now see they weren’t just coincidences that the roommate was showing up where we were.
At a minimum, the roommate has antisocial personality disorder. He breaks all sorts of norms. It’s very concerning. I would want my child out of that situation TODAY.
Other posters are right that you don’t want to escalate the situation. I would not involve the RA. This is WAY above the RA’s pay grade. If your son tells all this to the RA, the RA might then tell the roommate, which would not be good.
This is what I’d do: All in one day, I’d go to 1) campus counseling because, as mental health professionals, they would recognize the seriousness, 2) campus security regarding the threat, and 3) the HEAD of residential life. I think it would be a good idea for your son to put it all in writing. Printed on a piece of paper. Not an electronic communication that could more easily be forwarded to zillions of people in an instant. Write CONFIDENTIAL at the top.
I think he needs a good cover story to tell the roommate why he wants to switch rooms. Are there program houses at this school? Something like language houses or environmental houses or engineering dorms? If he could switch into one of those, it could make sense on its face. Another option is for your son to be TOLD by the housing department that he HAS to move for some reason or other, making it not his decision. He could put up a “pretend” fight to make it seem like he doesn’t want to go.
Then you make lots of noise and hire a lawyer and/or go to the police.
Agree on skipping the RA. You need the big guns.
I typically advocate for independence and hands off parenting for college students but I’d have my own butt on campus so fast and I’d be in Momma Bear mode.
[quote=“Territapper, post:10, topic:2069133”]
This is exactly why we are hesitant to report it. Except for it to go on record, I don’t feel it’s going to amount to anything except get the roommate agitated. Then what?
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Then you make lots of noise and hire a lawyer and/or go to the police.
Agree on skipping the RA. You need the big guns.
I typically advocate for independence and hands off parenting for college students but I’d have my own butt on campus so fast and I’d be in Momma Bear mode.
My kid would be out of that room immediately. Even if I had to rent an apartment. And I am so not a helicopter mom - but I’d be there by tonight and moving him out.
I agree with the comments to notify the school immediately. The fear of future retaliation by the roommate is precisely what the roommate and people with similar personalities feed off of. The fear to act just feeds their desire to act more and more bizarrely.
At least you can put the school on notice of behavior issues. They have the resources to help or remove your child or the roommate from the situation. Doing nothing leaves your child in a potentially dangerous situation. Notifying the school also starts the paper trail for future issues.
I agree with @4gsmom if it’s at all feasible. That detail about taking pictures of your son while he’s sleeping and sending them around really gave me the heebie jeebies. Feels like he’s in danger, honestly.
Some people mentioned campus security. Check whether it is an actual police department. If not, and it is serious enough to be a police matter, be sure to report it to the actual police department as well as campus security.
Help yourself by editing the list of issues so you clearly communicate the problem, not make the reader sort through normal stuff, stuff that might be a coincidence and really big deals. You need to compose the list in a way that will communicate that this is an immediate safety threat, not just normal roomie bickering and that if the school mishandles it, your son’s safety could be at risk. Stick with and focus on the big, abnormal issues, list them in an order that tells the story and leave out the ones that are somewhat normal issues between roommates like stinky room or not ending up with same friends. Definitely don’t start with the things that might be coincidences, such as twice seeing the roommate at lunch at the same restaurant. You don’t want to lead with things that can be written off as coincidence or “normal” problems, you want to lead with the biggies.
From an outsider’s perspective, here are the issues I’d list and in what order:
Roommate appears to be obsessed with son.
Son wakes up to find roommate touching him.
Roommate takes pictures of son while sleeping, sends pics to other people. Get copies of these pictures.
Roommate appears to be following son. Use example of him following you to lunch twice.
Roommate tries to control when and with who son goes out. List examples of twice roommate turning alarm off causing son to miss class and also him trying to manipulate son into not going out with friends.
Roommate has made a clear threat "If you ever go behind my back, I'm not going to say I'll kill you, because that would be a threat, but let's just say bad things are going to happen."
Conclude that this is a safety risk and your son has to be moved to another dorm immediately, preferably one that is a large distance from the current dorm. Emphasize that based on the threat, any attempts to mediate or to just move your son within the same dorm will put your son at risk of harm and are unacceptable.
I would leave out the summer details, myself. I’ve had similar things happen on UT’s campus and on a cruise ship of over 3,000 people. Bumping into someone twice doesn’t mean anything.