Not quite sure if this is the proper forum for me to post this, but I’ll just give it a shot lol. This evening I attended a church service (it’s a Nigerian church service in New York; I’m a Nigerian-American 21 year-old woman). I attended the service with my two sisters and my mom. It was a great service, I caught up with some relatives I hadn’t seen in a while, and I was all smiles and in a great mood. After every service, an assigned church member will volunteer to make and serve food. While I had been talking to relatives, most of the people in the church got their food and had already left the church. As myself, my 2 sisters, and one other lady were waiting in line to be served (keep in mind that this is a mere 4 people waiting in line and everyone else had left), one old guy who was serving food (who I’m suspecting is my rude aunt’s new boyfriend) asked me out of no where, in a weird, slow, creepy voice “Do you need to use the restroom?”. (This was because the bathroom was next to where the servers were, but the servers were blocking the way to the bathroom.) I looked at him with a confused look on my face and said calmly and nicely, “No I’m waiting for some food.” (I was clearly waiting in line for food. If I needed to use the bathroom I would have said so). The other lady in line and myself looked at each other thinking to ourselves “What is wrong with this man?”. When I replied to him, I also noticed that he slightly shook his head as if he was annoyed by me. (I’m guessing he shook his head because earlier he stuck out a plate of food for any of us to take, and my sister and I allowed an elderly woman in line to take it first). He got me a plate of food, and I took the plate, and literally 2 seconds later, as I’m walking away, he rudely says, “Now move, move, move away from here!” FOR NO REASON. All of us in the line looked at him in shock. Have you ever been so shocked to the point where you’re lost for words and all you do is laugh? Well that’s what I did. I just laughed and tried to act like it didn’t get to me. The lady in line then asked me, " Are you Nigerian?". I said yes, and then she said in a joking manner, “So now you’ll understand” and we both started giggling. Side note: In Nigerian culture, some elders, no matter the gender, can be very crass and rude, and people, especially youngsters, are just supposed to take it because we are supposed to “respect our elders” (rolling my eyes). Anyway, he says the same thing to my sister after he gives her her food. After he says this, my other sister, who is alot tougher than us, was the only one to stand up to him, saying “Okay with get it! That’s enough!”. This was the first time in a long time that anyone had ever been blatantly rude to me for no reason. As we walked back to the car and told our mom what happened, she was shocked by his rudeness and told us next time to stick up for ourselves. I was so mad at myself and conflicted, not just in the situation, but being a Nigerian-American in general: My American side wanted to black out on him, by my Nigerian side (and especially after what that lady said) refrained me from confronting him and calling him out on his rudeness. Aside from the ethnicity thing, I as a person HATE confrontation, mostly because I hate causing a scene (it’s embarrassing), it makes the atmosphere super awkward, and sometimes I’m afraid I won’t have the best comebacks. So that’s why I usually just say nothing and keep it moving. I also really believe that that man is just crazy and less-than-smart, so I didn’t feel like wasting my breath or energy on him. Also, we were in a church, and I didn’t want to act a fool in there, confronting a man over him being rude about passing out food. But, on the other hand, I wish I did confront him to show him that he cannot talk to people in that manner again. All these things are swirling in my head. My questions are: What do you think I should have done? and What should I do in the future to make confronting someone less uncomfortable? I really need help in learning to get over my fear of confronting rude people. Sorry for the long post. Thanks guys 
People will be more likely to read your post if it’s broken into sections. No one wants to read a wall of text.
Not quite sure if this is the proper forum for me to post this, but I'll just give it a shot lol. This evening I attended a church service (it's a Nigerian church service in New York; I'm a Nigerian-American 21 year-old woman). I attended the service with my two sisters and my mom. It was a great service, I caught up with some relatives I hadn't seen in a while, and I was all smiles and in a great mood. After every service, an assigned church member will volunteer to make and serve food. While I had been talking to relatives, most of the people in the church got their food and had already left the church. As myself, my 2 sisters, and one other lady were waiting in line to be served (keep in mind that this is a mere 4 people waiting in line and everyone else had left), one old guy who was serving food (who I'm suspecting is my rude aunt's new boyfriend) asked me out of no where, in a weird, slow, creepy voice "Do you need to use the restroom?". (This was because the bathroom was next to where the servers were, but the servers were blocking the way to the bathroom.) I looked at him with a confused look on my face and said calmly and nicely, "No I'm waiting for some food." (I was clearly waiting in line for food. If I needed to use the bathroom I would have said so).
The other lady in line and myself looked at each other thinking to ourselves "What is wrong with this man?". When I replied to him, I also noticed that he slightly shook his head as if he was annoyed by me. (I'm guessing he shook his head because earlier he stuck out a plate of food for any of us to take, and my sister and I allowed an elderly woman in line to take it first). He got me a plate of food, and I took the plate, and literally 2 seconds later, as I'm walking away, he rudely says, "Now move, move, move away from here!" FOR NO REASON. All of us in the line looked at him in shock. Have you ever been so shocked to the point where you're lost for words and all you do is laugh? Well that's what I did. I just laughed and tried to act like it didn't get to me. The lady in line then asked me, " Are you Nigerian?". I said yes, and then she said in a joking manner, "So now you'll understand" and we both started giggling. Side note: In Nigerian culture, some elders, no matter the gender, can be very crass and rude, and people, especially youngsters, are just supposed to take it because we are supposed to "respect our elders" (*rolling my eyes*).
Anyway, he says the same thing to my sister after he gives her her food. After he says this, my other sister, who is alot tougher than us, was the only one to stand up to him, saying "Okay with get it! That's enough!". This was the first time in a long time that anyone had ever been blatantly rude to me for no reason. As we walked back to the car and told our mom what happened, she was shocked by his rudeness and told us next time to stick up for ourselves. I was so mad at myself and conflicted, not just in the situation, but being a Nigerian-American in general: My American side wanted to black out on him, by my Nigerian side (and especially after what that lady said) refrained me from confronting him and calling him out on his rudeness.
Aside from the ethnicity thing, I as a person HATE confrontation, mostly because I hate causing a scene (it's embarrassing), it makes the atmosphere super awkward, and sometimes I'm afraid I won't have the best comebacks. So that's why I usually just say nothing and keep it moving. I also really believe that that man is just crazy and less-than-smart, so I didn't feel like wasting my breath or energy on him. Also, we were in a church, and I didn't want to act a fool in there, confronting a man over him being rude about passing out food. But, on the other hand, I wish I did confront him to show him that he cannot talk to people in that manner again. All these things are swirling in my head. My questions are: What do you think I should have done? and What should I do in the future to make confronting someone less uncomfortable? I really need help in learning to get over my fear of confronting rude people. Sorry for the long post. Thanks guys
I tried to break it up, but the indentations did not want to cooperate lol. Sorry yall
The man may have a mental illness - you just don’t know. I would let it go. No purpose is served by confronting someone like that. One thing my husband says that helps me in cases like this is, “Just think, he has to live with himself 24 hours a day!”
Oh my god I was thinking the same thing! I thought he might have a mental illness as well, which contributed to my decision to not confront him. I honestly believe he might have a mental illness because for someone to talk to me (and my sister) like that was just plain strange and completely uncalled for/unnecessary. I like how your husband thinks! I’m going to remember this from now on. However, do you or anyone else have suggestions for confronting someone who you are aware is a completely competent person who just wants to be rude to you?
I also want to add that I have blacked out on a few people before in my life (3 people (non family members)), and I blacked out on them because each situation was a combination of three things: it was a SERIOUS matter, I had bottled up my anger towards them for a long time and exploded on them, and my patience had depleted. But for certain trivial situations, such as this one, and for example, if someone bumped into me by accident while walking down the street and called me a bitch, I, as sad as this sounds, would probably not say anything and ignore it, even though deep inside I wanna unleash my inner Erica Mena and confront their ass lol. Maybe I just need to grow some balls and stop picking and choosing my fights…
You may want to read some of Byron Katie’s work. To confront the rude person, avoid assumptions and clarify. Repeat what he said. Example: Did you just say “Now move, move, move away from here!”? Why did you say that? What did you mean by that? Are you aware how that sounds rude to me? Did you mean to be rude to me? Why? Seeking clarity and stating what you see/hear and how you feel is a start. Taking action (avoidance in future, calling in authorities, etc.) is what you can do. Escalation (making a scene) does not help. Trying to change the other person, insinuate his meaning, make suggestions, etc. does not help. State your truth and do what you do. The only person you can control is yourself.
I wouldn’t worry so much about other folks rudeness. Taking great umbrage only highlights your own insecurity.
@ItsJustSchool Great advice! I’ll definitely look up Katie’s work
@JustOneDad I’m not upset because of this single event, instead I’m upset with myself for letting many instances like this that have happened and continue to happen go by and not having the courage to confront people and make them feel as embarrassed/upset as I have felt. So all in all, I’m not mad at the actual act of rudeness (if that makes any sense), but I’m angry about not having the courage to stick up for myself and let them know that they are being rude. But I completely see what you mean, and from now on I guess I just won’t take it to heart.
I’m inching up on old…some advice? You did the right thing. I’ve confronted, and not. I usually feel worse after confronting because I know I should know better…and I’m disappointed in myself.
Keep being the bigger person!
@HRSMom Thank you so much for the advice! Now that I think about it, I think I did the right thing also, considering the circumstances: we were in a church and I didn’t want to run the risk of cursing him out (which probably would’ve happened lol),and my behavior could then be reflected on my mother. I’m the same way, I pick and choose my battles, and when I think about if I would’ve confronted him, it would have made so many things worse: my relationship with my aunt, who he is friends with, would have totally been demolished (it’s already very strained); people in the church would have thought I was some belligerent, disrespectful girl; my aunt probably would have called my mom asking why I was rude to her friend, etc.
I’m actually the opposite: I feel great and empowered that I confronted the person and put them in their place lol.
Another issue I do want to raise, now that I think of it, is that I’m at an awkward age where I am technically an adult (21 years old), but I look and feel like a child sometimes, especially when I am interacting with old/er adults (I don’t look my age at all. I look like I’m 14 lol). I don’t know if I’m the only one who does this, but in some situations, I subconsciously take on a submissive role and let the older person be authoritative towards me, because growing up, I’ve been conditioned to always respect my elders, even if they are in the wrong, which has caused me to not stick up for myself and talk back when I am clearly being disrespected. So in some situations when people bully me or are rude to me, I just freeze up, laugh as a defense mechanism, and then walk away. I don’t want to seem like a pushover/doormat anymore. Ughh maybe I need therapy lolol
You did a right thing. I think if you had confronted the man, other people who may have not had full grasps of what was going on could have gotten angry at YOU, not the old guy.
But really, some old people are incomprehensibly rude and weird to the point they have no common sense. I have only seen wise ones in my life, so such experience makes me feel even more strange
@paul2752 Thank you for the advice. I was thinking the exact same thing! Especially with Nigerians, they would have have immediately sided with the old man, even though I had done nothing wrong. Consider yourself lucky that you never had to deal with rude, crazy old people like I have lol
I don’t think age has anything to do with it. There are lots of rude, crazy young people, also. Like people who don’t give up their subway seat to an elderly man or a pregnant woman. What’s up with that?
@MaineLonghorn Haha you have a good point there. I just brought that up because I don’t think he would have talked to my sister and I like that if he could see that were were adults (She’s 28 and also looks very young for her age. Yay genetics lol). All of the old/er women were wearing traditional African garments, including the lady that talked to me in line,while my sisters and I were wearing “regular” formal clothing, and I’m 90% sure he would not have talked to the lady like that, nor would he have talked to me like that if he could visibly see that I was an adult as well.