Considering moving out

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I just wanted some guidance on yet another issue, and in the past have found your insight to be very helpful.</p>

<p>The situation is basically that I transferred from my previous residential college to a local university, and thus was planning to commute from home. I missed my family a lot and actually was really excited about the change, but now that I’m home and also more aware of what’s going on around me, I’ve really come to realize how bad an an environment it is here, and I’m not sure it’s such a good idea to stay.</p>

<p>I love my parents so much, but they’re both alcoholics and I’m having a really hard time watching my dad drink until he becomes belligerent every night, the ensuing fights with mom, popping a couple bottles worth of OTC sleeping pills a week between the two of them… On top of this, my parents’ spending issues have kept us consistently in debt, and as long as I’m here somehow every dollar of cash I have winds up in their pockets (due to my inability to say no). The straw that broke the camel’s back in this department was I gave my parents a check of excess funds from my previous school’s account that was intended for living expenses. I needed the check deposited immediately (I didn’t have my own bank account yet) because I had a very painful tooth that I needed the cash to get fixed right away. They promised up and down that they wouldn’t touch it, but next thing I knew over 600 dollars of my money that should’ve been in the account was gone.</p>

<p>Next year I’m supposed to study engineering and I’m really worried that having to deal with my parents’ issues on top of this will spell disaster. I spoke to my older brother who obviously has some experience with this and his advice was that I should move out. My grandmother lives really close to here and my brother insists that she would have zero problem with me moving in (I’m very quiet, respectful, and I can help her with the chores and stuff). Even if that doesn’t pan out, I have a friend who is getting an apartment and has offered to let me move in with her as long as I help out with the expenses when I can (she doesn’t really have to worry about it so much due to a sizable inheritance that she can cover the rent with). I also have enough money from financial aid to feed myself, take care of my medications, take care of my cat if I wind up somewhere where I can keep him, and still have some left over for an emergency or helping with bills and stuff.</p>

<p>So basically, I do have a place to go, but my issue is leaving my parents. I really do love them and I know that leaving them will really hurt them a lot, and I don’t want to have to do that. When I left last year, they were sad but they understood I needed to leave in order to go to school. In this circumstance, it would be me leaving to get away from them. </p>

<p>What would you parents advise me to do in my situation? Is there anyway I should go about doing this to spare feelings, or maybe should I send home the message to my parents that their problems are hurting others? This is just an awful situation and I feel really lost.</p>

2

<p>First, dont ever give your parents money again. If need be, have a check made out to you and when you open an account (as you should, you should be able get a nofee account). </p>

<p>Any one who would steal from their kids is too irresponsible. I vote talk to grandma and see if you can move in with her. My guess is she understands what is going on. Ask if you can tell parents she needs someone to live with her, etc.</p>

3

<p>Sit them down when they are lucid and sober. Tell them that you have to move out to grandma’s or your friend’s to focus on school. You will not be giving them access to money intended for your education. Open your own bank account, don’t give your parents access to your PIN or account. You cannot be part of their addictions because it is destroying your future. You need to stop thinking you must save them. Listen to your brother and use him for support when you weaken in your resolve to put yourself first. Best of luck.</p>

4

<p>I agree with Batilo. I also strongly suggest getting involved with Al-Anon, the support group for people concerned about their loved one’s drinking. You can get involved on-line, in your community and possibly even at your school. There are many college students struggling issues similar to yours.</p>

<p>I also suggest getting support from your college counseling center. They’ve more than likely helped many students with problems similar to yours. Saying this as someone who has been a counselor at a college counseling center.</p>

5

<p>Ugh. This is awful. I still remember my mom asking for a temporary loan from my student loan funds that had just been disbursed. It was just going to cover a shortfall until payday–three days away. It took almost two months to get it back.</p>

<p>It’s both wonderful and awful to view your parents with a little distance and see exactly what’s there. It’s awful because you realize how mired in addiction they are, and it’s wonderful because you get the clarity to move forward and protect yoursefl.</p>

<p>You can’t change them. You can’t save them. You can’t even really help them. The best thing you can do is grab the opportunity you have in front of you to become self-sufficient and independent. I understand the pull of the guilt over leaving. There is a wide gulf these days between me and my father as I watch him slowly die from alcoholism, but I realized a lot later than you that it was going to destroy me emotionally to stay so enmeshed with such self-destruction. It’s o.k. to protect yourself.</p>

<p>So I vote yes, get out as quickly as possible. It would be great if it was like that show “Intervention” and the whole process of an intervention and rehab and recovery could be condensed down to one hour, but it’s a lot longer, less linear, and more messy. And you’re in no position to facilitate that now. They have to want to change. They have to have that epiphany that they aren’t going to survive if they keep living that way. Maybe you leaving will nudge them in that direction. </p>

<p>Good luck to you. I’ve been doing some reading this summer that might be helpful to you so send me a private message if you want the titles. I hope you get out and find peace.</p>

6

<p>Definitely, definitely, DEFINITELY start seeing one of the counselors at your school to work on setting boundaries with your parents. When a parent is manipulating you like that, you need to ‘unhook’ yourself, and it’s going to take more than just physical distance to do so, particularly on an emotional level.</p>

<p>Look into finding Al-Anon meetings to go to, also, to give you a support group of people in similar situations. See if your brother will go with you, too… That way, you’re a team-- a united front in helping manage the situation with your parents’ drinking.</p>

<p>Get out first, save yourself and your resources. You don’t have to “give up” your parents completely in order to disconnect yourself from being hurt by them, if that’s any comfort… but some physical distance would be a good idea, and it sounds like you’ve thought through some good plans.</p>

<p>Good luck. Have a hug.</p>

7

<p>It’s time to move out and start living your life. It’s not worth trying to sit down and talk rationally to your parents. Kindly tell them that you have decided to move out. You don’t have to get into the reasons why. Just say that you feel that it is time.</p>

<p>You deserve peace in your life and staying in the environment that you’re in now is not emotionally healthy. It’s time to take that first big step into adulthood— to move out and create a wonderful life for yourself.</p>

8

<p>Thanks a bunch for all of the advice that you have given so far. </p>

<p>I already got started on the bank this morning. I realized that I’ll be needing a safe place for this year’s financial aid, so I opened my bank account with a PIN that my parents don’t know and have no way of guessing. I will try and stay on my not loaning them any money thing, but sometimes they put me in a tough spot, like when I’m garage saleing with my mom and she doesn’t have the change. It’s 7 bucks here, 10 there, 30 here, and the next thing I know it’s adding up to 100 before I even realize it. I will talk to grandma, but unfortunately the needing someone to live with her excuse won’t fly. She’s probably tougher than I am. :)</p>

<p>I guess this is also part of what I’m worried about because I don’t really think my grandma realizes the extent to which things have gotten bad. So far as she sees, she usually gets the mortgage on time, and she’s never really around when my parents have been drinking a lot. If anything I’m worried that she’ll think I’m being whiny about the situation and that I should tough it out. </p>

<p>I will definitely look into Al-Anon. I was already looking into going to the counseling center at my school, not for these particular reasons but because I think I need help in general. Since I’ve hit puberty I’ve always had somewhat of an up and down personality, but now the downs are getting a little out of control. I honestly kind of lost it last semester and in a couple instances I sort of acted out and cried and screamed. I really think I made people who might still be my friends shy away from continuing to talk to me after I transferred because they don’t want to be friends with someone so crazy. Mostly I end up taking it out on my boyfriend which really isn’t fair to him, and other than that I’m having trouble overcoming the lethargy and apathy to accomplish anything. Aside from that I’m having really bad social anxiety issues that are getting crippling and preventing me from forming meaningful friendships with people. In other words, I’m coming to the conclusion that I need some help with a lot of issues and I can’t keep putting it off anymore. </p>

<p>I definitely agree that I need to move out. I guess I keep thinking about putting it off but I realize that I can’t do this for four more years while I finish my degree. I don’t see why it has to be sooner rather than later, but I think I do have some co-dependency issues with my parents and I should get out of here for their own sake too. I find myself mindlessly fetching beers and pills for my parents without even protesting because I know that if I don’t they will get upset with me and guilt me about how hard they work to support the family. I’m being an enabler, and I should probably feel about as guilty about that as anything. </p>

<p>I guess at this point I’m just trying to figure out how to frame this and not cause major family drama. I really want to continue to have a relationship with my parents because we’ve always been really close. I love them for who they are, even if what they do makes me crazy. That’s the thing I’m really having a hard time getting past. My mom was just so happy to have me coming home, and to have my abruptly decide to leave again will hurt her really, really badly. What can I do to try and make this okay? Should I maybe wait until a couple weeks into the semester to move so I that I can use the excuse that it’s just too hard for me to study at home?</p>

9

<p>“I guess at this point I’m just trying to figure out how to frame this and not cause major family drama. I really want to continue to have a relationship with my parents because we’ve always been really close. I love them for who they are, even if what they do makes me crazy. That’s the thing I’m really having a hard time getting past. My mom was just so happy to have me coming home, and to have my abruptly decide to leave again will hurt her really, really badly.”</p>

<p>If your parents are alcoholics, they have a disease that is killing them and also harming you. Difficult that it will be, the best thing you probably can do for them is to tell them that you’re moving out because of their behavior. Yes, they probably will become hurt or angry at you and say that you’re overreacting, but until they are repeatedly confronted with the consequences of their drinking, it’s unlikely that they’ll ever acknowledge that they have a problem. </p>

<p>A teen poster in Parents Forum a couple of weeks ago lost her mother because her mother fell and hit her head while drunk. </p>

<p>I am not saying that you’re responsible for getting your parents to stop drinking. That is something that will be up to them. However, if you never address their drinking with them, if it does result in injury or death to them or others, you probably will always wonder what might have happened if you had been honest with them about how their drinking is affecting your life.</p>

<p>Please contact Al-Anon which has plenty of people who have been through situations similar to yours. Their experience, strength and hope is likely to be able to be of more support and other assistance to you than the well-meaning advice of people like me on CC.</p>

10

<p>You don’t need any excuses to justify your reasons for moving out. At your age, it’s appropriate to move out and begin living a more independent life. Your parents don’t need an explanation and you don’t have any reason to feel guilt. This is a natural progression to growing up. You leave the nest and begin your own life. This doesn’t mean that you’ll lose your relationship with your parents. If anything, the time away may make the relationship healthier for all involved.</p>

11

<p>Julie, your mood swings and flipping out are very common for someone who’s dealing with a tough family situation and a high amount of stress. Go see a counselor for sure… but they’re going to tell you that you’re NOT crazy, even if you’ve got some work to do in therapy in order to feel better and more balanced.</p>

<p>You’d be abnormal if you weren’t flipping out and flying off the handle while facing this. If you were going to face something as stressful as parental alcoholism without flinching (and it’s not going to be direct cause/effect… it’ll go in waves… Something will happen, you’ll handle it, and then for a while you’ll be okay, and then you’ll flip out for seemingly no reason… sound familiar?), then you’d be an emotionless sociopath… Much worse than crazy!</p>

<p>You’re normal, you just haven’t had a chance to resolve things that are stressing you out… Hope you can take some solace in that.</p>

12

<p>It’s unanimous that you are moving out. Definitely go to Al Anon. I only had one alcoholic parent and would have flunked out if I had stayed at home. Always remember that it is your job/duty to take care of yourself. This means you need to be away from your parents and not feel guilty about it. It is NOT your job to take care of your parents. You deserve/need a normal life. It is hard to not be able to have the life you envision at home, this is where the support group can help you. Being out of the house will prevent you from being an enabler. Any family drama associated with you moving will be short lived in comparison to the damge to you if you stay. Your brother will support you in this decision, as will other family members. I see someone who can overcome her childhood situation and have a happy, successful life- you are taking those first steps. Good luck and enjoy your college years. This tough situation is not your fault.</p>

13

<p>As an alcoholic in recovery (26 years this Dec.) and the son of an alcoholic, the first thing you need to do it get yourself into a situation you are comfortable with and that does not require you to depend on your parents. </p>

<p>Second, (and you seem to have already come to this realization) do not trust your parents on anything that is of importance to you even if you no longer live with them.</p>

<p>Third, get help to deal with how you are affected by their alcoholism.</p>

<p>Fourth, good luck and remember–you didn’t “break” them, and it is not up to you to “fix” them.</p>

14

<p>Another adult child of alcoholics here.</p>

<p>I repeat 2 of 07DAD’s points for emphasis… </p>

<p>**Third, get help to deal with how you are affected by their alcoholism.</p>

<p>Fourth, good luck and remember–you didn’t “break” them, and it is not up to you to “fix” them. **</p>

<p>And I add this:</p>

<p>You cannot fix them. You want to, but you cannot. There will be drama, no matter what you choose; it comes with the disease. Now do what you need to do to fix yourself.</p>

15

<p>This book has supportive and excellent advice for adult children of alcoholics.</p>

<p>[Amazon.com:</a> Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics (9780671645281): Herbert L. Gravitz, Julie D. Bowden: Books](<a href=“http://www.amazon.com/Recovery-Guide-Adult-Children-Alcoholics/dp/0671645285]Amazon.com:”>http://www.amazon.com/Recovery-Guide-Adult-Children-Alcoholics/dp/0671645285)</p>

16

<p>Thank you all so much!</p>

<p>Firstly, to aibarr, that actually sounds completely dead on. I feel a lot better about it. :)</p>

<p>Now to everyone else: I worked up the courage to talk to my parents today, and I tried to frame it as a natural desire to start gaining some independence. I didn’t want to confront the alcoholism at the moment because right now, as you’ve said, I need to worry about taking care of me, and given the way I explained to my parents what I wanted to do, they are being very supportive and I don’t have to contend with any drama at all beyond proud, weepy, loving parents. I managed to avoid them taking it personally and they completely understood where I was coming from. </p>

<p>Thankfully, my mom recognized that I was bothered by something so I wasn’t able to get away with not going through with my intentions. Now, the only obstacle I have to work with is asking my grandma if she would mind if I would live with her. Unfortunately, my backup plan fell through, so I may be stuck staying here if my grandma isn’t comfortable with the arrangement. Odds are good she’ll be okay with it, though, because she spends much of the year away, and I think she gets a little nervous that nobody is there to watch her house. </p>

<p>Thanks again, everyone. I really needed a little nudging to work up the courage to actually go through with this.</p>

17

<p>Thank you for taking the time to update us. Please follow through on Al-Anon. I also think that you’ll find useful the book, “Guide to Recover for Adult Children of Alcoholics,” that I suggested. You can get used copies really cheap on Amazon.</p>

<p>There also are on-line and in real life groups for Adult Children of Alcoholics that you may find helpful.[Welcome</a> to Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.](<a href=“http://www.adultchildren.org/]Welcome”>http://www.adultchildren.org/)</p>

<p>Sending you warmest wishes that things will work out for you.</p>

18

<p>HyperJ, </p>

<p>Best of luck. If your grandma has some trepidation, my guess is it may come from having issues with her child as young adult/teen. Suggest to her you will write up a contract of what is acceptable.</p>

19

<p>Julie - I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I agree with the wonderful advice given by prior posters. As for moving in with your Grandmother, you may find she is extremely receptive. Loneliness and lack of help around the house are major issues for many seniors. I know my Mom was thrilled when her grand-daughter needed a place to stay after the GD’s divorce. Best of luck to you.</p>

20

<p>Well, my grams is a really independent person, but as it turns out, she worries a lot about leaving her house uninhabited while she spends ample time on vacation enjoying her retirement (probably more than half the year!). She’s actually thrilled to have me there to look after the place, and I’m pretty psyched because how cool is it for a college student to have a whole house to herself? (From October to March, anyway.) Plus, I can feel good about it because I’ll be taking a load off numerous relatives who try to keep things in order in her absence, since that’s my job now. Sorry, just wanted to share how glad I am with how this has all played out. </p>

<p>And don’t worry, I won’t be throwing any wild parties in my grandma’s house. :)</p>