Continuing Extracurricular Activities

Parent Cafe
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<p>My point was that if her parents have made up their minds, which, right or wrong, is their choice to do, the OP needs to move on an figure things out for herself</p>

<p>Not fair, I agree, I can’t imagine stopping the transport either, but I am not the OP parents </p>

<p>So, again, if they have made up their minds, the OP needs to step up</p>

<p>If she needs transportation to a different activitiy, then she should talk to us about that</p>

<p>All I saw was, well, all my friends still get to do everything, and I don’t get to take my lessons, etc, so I have to change parent’s minds</p>

<p>Why not look at other options and if necesary, the OP can change what she does</p>

<p>Why are we all assuming the OP is right in this? Who knows? Maybe a younger sibling has been shortchanged, maybe work is bad, maybe she has no clue about finances, maybe parents are thinking about college tuition, maybe there are other option but the OP isn’t willing to try something new, maybe there is public transportation ,but is a bit of a pain…</p>

<p>Again, if the parent’s have made up their minds, then the OP can either pout about it or take steps to fill her time, that is her choice, and as a senior getting ready for college, perhaps she will learn to take care of herself a bit</p>

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<p>And while taking lessons for eternity is swell, sometimes taking that knowledge and the benefits you have and sharing them is a good thing</p>

<p>Why the rejection of that idea? Guess just having fun and your own thing is more valuable then perhaps finding ways to help others</p>

<p>What if she took her talents and got some other kids and did a talent show at a senior center, isn’t that what the lessons are for?</p>

<p>What I saw fromt he OP was that her parents didn’t want to transport her anymore…okay…I will not make a judgement on them, because I don’t have enough information, but the OP doesn’t seem willing to even consider other options…and that is foolish for her sake…</p>

<p>I wouldn’t do what her parents have done, but what they have done isn’t the end of the world, but it could be if the OP does nothing for herself</p>

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<p>I don’t think anybody is rejecting those ideas, citygirlsmom. It’s just that transportation seems to be the main issue here, and there’s no reason to think that transportation to the kind of activities you’re talking about would be any less problematic than transportation to the OP’s established activities.</p>

<p>You can’t help to plan a talent show at a senior center if you can’t get to the senior center.</p>

<p>We have an EC-and-transportation issue at my house right now. I have a broken leg and cannot drive – a situation that may continue for months. My daughter is a high school senior with many out-of-school commitments, and her usual source of transportation is having me drop her off and pick her up (not difficult since I work at home). At the time when I was injured, she did not yet have a driver’s license. This meant that my problem was a disaster for her in terms of continued participation in activities (and also for getting to school and back since her school bus stop is not within walking distance of our house). For us, the solution to the problem was to push her very hard to get her license (fortunately, she had completed all of the requirements but just needed some additional instruction in skills specific to the test) and then to allow her to use my car. But this is very scary (we have situations where she has to drive under extremely difficult conditions – like in the dark in the rain or on the Capital Beltway – after having only had her license for a couple of weeks) and it wouldn’t work for everyone. </p>

<p>In my family’s situation, it makes little difference whether my daughter’s activities are of the conventional sort (music lessons, school clubs) or something more community oriented (service projects, tutoring, etc.). The transportation challenges would be just as great either way.</p>

<p>And no, public transportation wouldn’t work. It’s three miles from our house to the nearest bus stop. And bumming rides, although it’s possible on occasion, doesn’t work most of the time because my daughter attends a regional magnet school, and very few of the other students live in the same area that we do. For some families in some situations, transportation challenges can be a formidable issue.</p>

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<p>transportation to the classes, we have heard nothing about transportation to other things</p>

<p>so until OP comes back and says there is no way to get anywhere in my town without my parents, no other friends, nada, then we can focus on that</p>

<p>she is a senior in HS, and somehow other kids are getting places…</p>

<p>I know I am sounding a bit harsh, but in the grand scheme of things is not a huge deal</p>

<p>Parents have the right to stop doing something like transporting to classes, not fair, not necessariy in the best interest of the senior, BUT the senior can indeed step up and figure stuff out</p>

<p>on of the other posters felt mad because her parents were apologizing to younger sis beause sis missed her lesson…gee, as a parent, how would that make you feel, a self centered senior pouting because younger sis was getting attention because she had to miss her class…well, the older child should start to look around for other ways to get places</p>

<p>and if you live in syberia and have no options what so ever, look for carpooling, etc</p>

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<p>I’d love to know how other kids get places, too. There has to be an alternative that’s safer than my rookie driver, who is also a HS senior, struggling with heavy traffic on high-speed highways in the dark.</p>

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<p>I can’t really add much to the advice and perspective of the other posters.but I would like to say that one valuable lesson I have tried to teach my kids ( and learn myself) is that others behavior- is not necessarily a reflection of you.</p>

<p>Their grandparents weren’t that interested in seeing them for instance & gave them many mixed messages when they did.
I tried to teach them- that the way others behaved toward them, was not a measure of their worth.</p>

<p>You can’t control others behavior, only your own.
I don’t have first hand experience of your particular family dynamic, and I can’t say why the difficulty.</p>

<p>I would agree that depending on the activity, it can be quite time consuming to transport kids, particulary if there are others in household who also have activities. As kids get older, parents naturally shift toward regaining some of their former life, and while I with only two kids, enjoy driving them, mostly, ( or her- as actually my oldest is out of the house), there are times when it is inconvienent to say the least.</p>

<p>However- carpooling is usually an option- as is walking, biking, or even getting another car.( or biking to the bustop if the buses carry racks)</p>

<p>There also may be issues regarding teh transition of you becoming more adult. The last year of high school is often difficult for everyone, as is any big change, even when welcomed.</p>

<p>I know I feel stress when I realize that somehow my youngest is a junior in high school- but that doesn’t mean that I don’t occasionally take it out on her inappropriately, or not communicate to her, how proud I am of her.</p>

<p>Parents may have a lot of mixed feelings regarding their kids growing up, and not be great at recognizing that, let alone dealing with it appropriately.</p>

<p>However re transportation- she doesn’t drive, but she walks or takes the bus as well as carpools, ( as did her sister), so while depending on activity and timing, I do still take her many places, she assumes a great deal of the responsibility to get herself where she needs to go.</p>

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<p>Thanks for all the advice. It’s hard to explain, but taking alternative transportation is not really an option. I am learning to drive right now, but my parents would never allow me to use public transportation or walk alone and I am not allowed to ride in cars driven by other people (they are absolutely against the idea of my being driven by a friend, and were offended by the prospect).</p>

<p>I did have a talk with my parents and it turns out that transportation isn’t the whole issue. They are tired of putting energy into my extracurricular activities and not getting anything out of it. Money is not an issue, and they are willing to drive me if their motivation is high enough–which it isn’t. My mother’s attitude is, since you are not going to pursue music in any professional or advanced sense, there is no reason to do it now, you can just do it when you’re 40. I can’t really argue with that. But it’s saddening, because I only started music two years ago, out of interest (not for college, simply for my own interest’s sake, which somewhat contradicts her logic requiring me to be some sort of prodigy after 2 years to justify continuing).</p>

<p>I understand the concern about being self-centered. However, I do not feel that I am being self-centered: I do not complain about being picked up at 6:30pm every day, I agreed to quit dance, and I significantly decreased my demands for out-of-town extracurricular team trips (to 1-2 weekends per year). I just feel sad because throughout high school my parents refused to send me on trips my peers were going on, promising that after junior year, during senior year, I could get those trips. Now, they have refused again, and I just feel depressed. I’m not a spoiled child by any means and I agree with them to an extent that there isn’t a “point,” and that allows me to compromise greatly. Oh well–I like emeraldkity’s point that sometimes you have to make do with your own efforts when other people aren’t willing to support you.</p>

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<p>Mallomar, yours is a very, very sad post. I don’t understand your parents at all, because music and dance are wonderful ways to express yourself, relieve tension and stress, and just have fun in a non-academic fashion. Whether or not you plan to major in music or dance is immaterial, in my eyes, because these activities are wonderfully enriching, no matter what the reason for pursuit.</p>

<p>I also think your parents have limited your life in a detrimental way by not allowing you to take public transportation or go on class trips, or even drive with a friend. Also, they have broken their promises to you, since they promised you more freedoms, and have not lived up to those promises.</p>

<p>This all sounds very controlling (as some parents undoubtedly are), but it is making you unhappy, clearly, to have so much of your life controlled and limited.</p>

<p>I would really sit down with your parents, and present your feelings, as you have here. It doesn’t mean that things will change, but sometimes parents aren’t aware of how their children feel. I would give them another chance, and really be open with them…and see what happens.</p>

<p>Good luck. You sound like a wonderful daughter.</p>

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<p>citygirlsmom…you were making the issue be between classes vs. another activity and originally it sounded like transportation was an issue and so it didn’t matter what the activity was if transportation is an issue. My kids had jobs, volunteered, taught dance, and so on but these required transportation. I drove them everywhere. When I had to be two places at once with 2 different kids…then we tried to work out carpools but that doesn’t work for some activities that nobody else is going to and long distances are involved here. When my kids got older, they could drive and this was particularly helpful when the oldest drove because it alleviated my having to be two places at once which was always so difficult (we’re talking great distances apart), but the only way this helped was by getting a kids’ car for her to drive so I could have my car to drive my other kid. Being able to drive wasn’t so handy in this way if she had no car to take. When my oldest went to college, the younger one got the kids’ car and took herself to activities, unless they were a great distance and I still did that driving as I didn’t want her to drive yet to some of the things that were very far away. </p>

<p>Back to Mallomar…I think this does seem to go back to the fact that your parents do not seem to value extracurricular endeavors for their own sake unless they are a means to an end. Perhaps all these years, they let you do them as a means to “get into college” I presume. After all, your mom is saying you are not going to be a professional musician but she allowed you to study music for years up until now, so I must infer that the worth to her was that it looked good on an application. Again, I have trouble understanding this. Anyway, I wish your parents saw the value in pursuing interests for their own sake, and not as a means to an end. I wonder if they support studying liberal arts if they those subjects do not have a direct correlation to a career? What do they want you to do as far as spending your time outside of class? Frankly, worthwhile pursuits such as music and dance are a whole lot better than hanging out at the mall, watching TV, playing video games, etc. or who knows what else. I would demonstrate to your parents your extreme interest in these endeavors. Do you plan to continue with these interests as ECs in college? Joining the orchestra or band? Joining a dance troupe/club? Explain that you don’t plan on stopping and that you want to keep your skills up between now and next year. Not only that, these endeavors are an enriching part of your education. I wish they saw the value in them. It is hard for me to understand since they supported you doing these activities all these years. I would think they would get great joy at seeing you so involved and also in attending your senior year concerts, recitals and dance performances. I would talk to them again. </p>

<p>Meanwhile, I would brainstorm what you can do and even ask them to suggest what they see you as doing in your after school hours. Are there music activities connected TO your high school after school? Even if you can’t do private lessons, can you be in bands or chorus groups that rehearse after school? What about the school musical? Can you be in the pit orchestra? Be cast in a musical that needs dancers? Where I live, it is easier on parents for kids who are in ECs connected to school where they stay after and then only need to be picked up late in the day, compared to schlepping them all around the region to and from activities. Are there any school related activities you can do after school since it sounds like your parents make you wait there until dinner time anyway? </p>

<p>And if transportation is not the only issue, and if they simply no longer support your taking classes given their “reasoning”…can you suggest volunteer work or jobs you want to do and brainstorm the transportation issue with them? Tell them you don’t wish to sit idly. If you can volunteer at the elementary school after school program, teach a dance class at your studio, give private music lessons to younger kids who come over your house, or some such, would they help you work out the transportation? Can you also initiate and create an activity at school? A performance with like minded kids in your area of interest…create a show of some sort and rehearse it after school? </p>

<p>Also, I understand if your parents do not want you to be driven by other teens. But would they allow another mom or dad to drive you to dance class at your studio? I mean most people I know allow their kids to carpool with other parent drivers. Is this a possibility? </p>

<p>I think you need to brainstorm what it is you want to do, how you might be able to do it, and the transportation involved and discuss such possibilities with your parents if they are against continuing lessons. Bring solutions to the “table”. Be pro active and mature and reasonable and assertive as well.</p>

<p>PS…Lastly, while I hope you can work SOMETHING out…such as “I have a problem…need a solution…here are some proposals…”…I want to remind you that next year, you will be in college on your own and can do whatever extracurricular activities you want and pursue any interest you desire and enrich your education and life in ways that you choose indpendently.</p>

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<p>MallormarCookie, it’s hard to know what to say, and so, I’m going to say what’s inappropriate and possibly even unfair, considering that it’s poor form to comment on other parenting styles and decisions, especially when the parent isn’t here to post:</p>

<p>Parents aren’t supposed to profit from their children’s ECs. Participation in an EC is profit all on its own - I don’t know anything at all about music, dance, or the arts, but I’m guessing it’s the same common theme as sports, part-time jobs during the summer, debate teams, volunteer action, etc. - none of these investments of time pay off necessarily directly to that discipline - the part time order taker at the deli isn’t necessarily going to become a restauranteer or executive chef; the girl on the track team isn’t necessarily going to become an Olympian, etc. but rather these activities offer incredible informal learning opportunities in team building, sharing of responsibilities and successes, overcoming and working through conflict, navigating relations with persons with different value systems, and interacting with others outside the school and home setting. Bottom line, in my view - which is only one view and not by any means the universally single correct view - it’s the parent’s responsibility to support ECs to the fullest extend practicable, as long as it doesn’t harm the family’s core needs, such as getting the bills paid, etc. (I often sat in bleachers with laptop, cell phone, reports spread out all over the place, trying to get my work done and keep clients happy and therefore cash flowing while watching a game etc.) - specifically because ECs fuel this very important informal learning. </p>

<p>Having said that, I always felt that I “profited” from driving a child around to all her ECs - it meant I got to be with her for even more time, plus I got to meet her friends, teammates, coaches, etc. I never, ever dreamed I would benefit materially, directly from it - although in the end, that’s exactly what happened, to the tune of thousands of dollars. Those days had their frustrating moments - when the students of two-parent families thought it was just fine to use me as their personal taxi, for example (and that may be part of why your parents don’t want you to ride with anyone else - perhaps they do not want to be seen as “freeloaders”) - although in the end, this was an equitable exchange too, since subsequently it was my house where everyone subsequently congregated, socialized, got fed, etc. Oh and getting up at 4:00 a.m. for three years straight was a real scream too, but again, at least I got to be with her. </p>

<p>Bottom line, keep working on learning how to drive, and, keep looking for ways to achieve safe, cost-effective independence, while simultaneously helping relieve some of the stresses on your parents. I still think there may be more in play here - often when parents have unexpected issues to deal with such as career problems, etc., decision making can get a bit skewed and unflexible, etc., so, please do what you can to help share whatever burdens they may be facing, because what you have posted here sounds to me like a parent under some unrelated sort of stress…</p>

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<p>okay, OP your parents are just not my cup of tea, but it is what it is…what is there reasoning behind not taking public transportation? Are they worried for your safety? does your area have issues in that regard? </p>

<p>as well, many kids didn’t get to go on certain trips, etc</p>

<p>Are you going off to college? staying close to home or going far away?</p>

<p>that can be your light at the end of the tunnel</p>

<p>so you are saying you are not allowed to do anything at all unless your parents drive you…how do you get together with friends on the weekend, etc? do you parents ever take the bus? if not, why not?</p>

<p>this is just really strange to me that you can’t go anywhere without them, and they won’t take you anywhere and they trust noone</p>

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<p>Thanks again for all the posts. I have convinced my mother to let me keep taking music lessons (I am involved in music at school, but I really need to continue lessons because I have been learning for only 2 years). I don’t do any other extracurricular activities that require my parents to take me–just music, once a week. I felt bad about it, but I “guilt-tripped” her into letting me continue–displayed the Christmas presents I had gotten from my music teacher, cried a little bit…It’s rather pathetic that it had to come to that, but my mother has finally realized that it does mean something to me to continue. She isn’t intentionally going to hurt me, so she decided she couldn’t deny me this one thing, and I get to continue!</p>

<p>Public transportation is an interesting idea and I will certainly take advantage of it in college but as of now I’m not allowed to go out by myself and I don’t go out very often. We never take public transportation except on vacations and my parents would never even consider letting me go on a bus or something. (citygirlsmom, re your last post, “Not going anywhere” isn’t a problem for me because that is how it has always been–I am not asking my parents to take me out every weekend or something, I’m just fine with how things are, I’m used to it and I’m not complaining. My parents are busy executives so I understand that weekends are their relaxation time, they deserve a break too sometimes.)
Music and transportation aside…I do feel somewhat bitter about my team activity. This year was supposed to be my traveling year (freshman year I traveled to a whopping 9 trips, sophomore year to maybe 5, junior year 2, this year a total of 1. As a comparison the other senior team member has gone on upwards of 7 trips per year, so my asking for 2 trips this year isn’t exactly bratty). This is one thing that depresses me greatly. The other day when I pleaded with my father to let me go on the last team trip that I would ever ask to go on for my whole life…he just laughed, at my pathetic unending desire, as if I just didn’t get it. I just don’t know how to convince them how much it means to me to be able to go. I’ve quietly let dozens of trips slide over the years, not even asking, but now I just feel depressed about it. I would even quit music if it meant my parents fulfilled their promise of letting me travel this year with my team. Oh well. It’s best not to wallow.</p>

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<p>Could it be possible that your parents have some expectations of you that you don’t know about?</p>

<p>Thirtysomething years ago, at the end of my junior year in high school, my parents informed me that they expected me to get a full-time job during the summer and a part-time job during the school year instead of continuing with my extracurricular activities. They believed that once a teenager was old enough to work, the teenager should get a job instead of participating in more childish activities such as school clubs and music lessons. I was startled by this because I had absolutely no idea that they had any such expectation. My parents were startled to discover that I did not know that they had that expectation of me; they thought that it was something that I would understand automatically (apparently, their parents had expected the same thing of them).</p>

<p>I did what my parents asked. During my senior year and the summer before and after it, I worked in a swimming pool store and later in a supermarket. To make time for working, I had to drop almost all of my school-year extracurricular activities (including piano lessons, which I had been taking for 10 years), and I had to discontinue the volunteer work at a camp for ■■■■■■■■ children that I had previously done in the summers. I was sorry to give up the other activities, but I must admit that working was also a worthwhile activity that taught me things I had not learned in other settings (and my parents let me keep the money I earned, although I was expected to save half of it).</p>

<p>Could your parents be expecting something like this of you? Might they consider ECs too childish for a high school senior and think that it’s time you got a job?</p>

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<p>My parents don’t want me to get a job right now–they’re not really expecting me to turn independent or make money. They’d actually view a job as just another extracurricular activity–and theyd have to drive me, meaning they’d be totally against it! (I do have a regular summer job though. My parents could care less what I did with my earnings.)</p>

<p>But you are exactly right about the quiet expectation part of it, and the idea that ECs are childish–they expect me to put that behind me and do I-don’t-know-what…That’s the problem: my ECs are what I really love, but my parents don’t see them as “ends in themselves” or as “learning experiences.”</p>

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<p>I was asking you earlier if you could ask them how THEY would like you to spend your afterschool and weekend hours. I’m just curious as to what they suggest (not that you have to do it). Also, you said you had to wait until 6ish for them to pick you up from school anyway. How do they see you spending that time? If they feel ECs are not worthwhile, what would they prefer to see you doing? Ask them. </p>

<p>What is the “team”? A dance team? Are they against the expensive trips? If that is the issue there, babysit or some other job to earn the money. Can you do dance without being on a team? Also, you say you have only been taking music lessons for 2 years and thus I am confused as I thought you had been doing these particular ECs your entire life. Perhaps your parents think music is a fleeting interest? I can’t quite tell.</p>

<p>Also, I believe you are applying to selective colleges, right? Don’t you plan to do ECs while in college? Which ones do you hope to continue? Is music one? dance? if so, can you discuss with your parents that you need to keep up the skills so you can be able to participate in college? Do they know that you wish to continue in college and not just do this to get into college? (if this is indeed true)</p>

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<p>So, not to belabor the point, do you hang out with friends, spend the nights etc? I ask because for me, as a parent, that is a great thing…maybe if they knew the friends, the parents, etc and saw kids who took the buses and survived, maybe it would help</p>

<p>many parents are willing to pick a kid’s friend up if there is no other way, especially if parents are “difficult”</p>

<p>I guess having kids who have been taking the bus alone for years downtown, walking home at night, etc, I relish the independence it has given them</p>

<p>What is their objection, exactly, to public transportation? they must have at least given a reason</p>

<p>Do they know any of your friends, or their parents at all?</p>

<p>When my Ds were younger, I was worried about the whole bus thing, then I realized that thousands of kids all over our city take the buses daily, a friend of my D does the whole NYC subway thing to school, etc…</p>

<p>So when they started out, they had to keep me posted, etc</p>

<p>Do you have a cell phone, having that connection is a Godsend for worried parents</p>

<p>Okay this question is none of my business and no need to answer, but how old are your parents…I have seen a pattern with older parents and overprotectiveness, if they had kids later…but that could just be my cirlce</p>

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<p>mallomar:</p>

<p>To help us parents understand the situation better, are there any cultural issues playing into this?</p>

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<p>The other thing your parents should realize is that if you have been so overprotected all your life that you have never even taken a bus (!), it may be hard to become more independent at college. While you are still home is a safe time to be learning to stretch your wings a little bit.</p>

<p>Are you always this compliant? I am just wondering what would happen if you really stood up for yourself and your own desires a little more.</p>

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<p>Allmusic, I don’t really want to get into all that. I definitely am an independent and self-sufficient person, but I know when to pick my battles. Living with my parents for so many years has taught me to identify what I can and cannot change. Defiance isn’t always effective, especially when you’re trying to get your parents to make sacrifices for you. I am very clear about my desires, but I am also aware that what I am asking for is ultimately a privilege, not a right.
Ucla_dad, there may be cultural issues, but again there’s nothing I can change about the situation through argument or defiance. It’s difficult to explain and I’m not sure it’s useful, especially as I am leaving the house for good in 6 months. I’d rather look forward than back; it just is hard sometimes when I want something awfully badly, and there’s no convincing anyone. Ironically, it’s because money is NOT an issue that I have little power.</p>

<p>Also, in recent years I have been able to grow and evade/escape the situation, through activities and trips. That’s why my trips mean so much to me. Perhaps my parents sense how much I need them (from my frantic efforts to convince them) and for that reason decide they need to withhold them from me.</p>

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<p>I am a mother of 2 girls and work 14 hours a day. My husband also travels internationally. No matter how busy we are, we still feel it is our responsiblity to get our girls to where they need to be while we are their guardians. They have ECs 5 days a week, we find ways to get both of them there. I am sure there are many busy parent that do the same thing.</p>

<p>When my older daughter was a junior we decided not to have her ride with her friends and where we lived there was no public transportation to many places. We made a commitment to drive her, even with her increased social life and ECs. On Fri nights her friends would want to hang out at someone’s house, then go to the movies. We would arrange to have an adult (carpool or car service) to take her to her friend’s house, then we would drive her from her friend’s house to the movies then pick her up after that. We felt since we are the ones that came up with the rule, it was up us to make it possible for her to abide by it. We also didn’t think it was reasonable to make her stay home just because it was inconvenient to us (after a long week at work, the last thing we wanted to do was to drive all night). But we also struck a deal with her where she would only go out one night/weekend and babysit her sister one night so we could go out.</p>

<p>One thing to remember is that as parents we hold all the cards - money, power, car, etc. It’s not right to make kids feel like they are at our mercy. They are not an inconvenience to us. As parents, we can be selfish, unreasonable and stubborn. If after speaking with your parents they still do not understand, then I think you should just move on. Wait until you are in college to take music and dance lessons. I think I understand how you feel because my parents were a bit like that. You sound like a great kid (I have read some of your posts), your parents are lucky to have a kid as reasonable as you.</p>