<p>I’m a senior in high school. My parents are encouraging me to quit my extracurricular activities (read: forcing me to drop out). The activities I have had to quit so far are music lessons and dance lessons. I feel terrible about these developments but I can’t really see a “point” to continuing so it’s too hard to convince them that there is a reason to take time out of their busy schedules to cart me to classes. My family does not experience financial need ($200K+/year). Is it fair for me to want to continue my music lessons (I have agreed to drop dance)? Today was a sad day for me, because I had none of my usual extracurriculars after school, and I sat alone until pick-up time as other 12th grade friends left for voice lessons, sports practice, and rehearsals. I also see my friends traveling more than ever for extracurriculars and enjoying something they had to put on the back burner for most of high school. I wish I could do the same. Parents, how best to convince my parents?</p>
<p>What are their reasons for asking you to stop your activities?</p>
<p>Why should you quit? It’s one thing if it’s suddenly a financial hardship or you’re having a lot of trouble in your classes, but these don’t seem to be the case. In fact, if you quit after writing them on your college applications because there’s “no point” anymore, well, I’d say that’s pretty dishonest. Get the reasons why your parents want you to stop. Do they just not want to drink you? In that case, can you find alternative transportation?</p>
<p>My parents no longer see a reason to expend energy in transporting me to or supporting me in these extracurricular activities. A friend of mine kindly offered to drive me to and from all my music lessons and provide dinner on those days, as we share a teacher, but my parents still don’t want to bother. I don’t understand how or why they say this: they devotedly took me to classes for 17 years, and only now have they begun to lash out at me for putting too much stress on them.</p>
<p>They are busy professionals, but their attitude mystifies me. I did not get picked up from school today until 6:30pm, and was practically alone on campus. The first thing my father told me when I boarded the car was “Your sister had to miss her dance class today because I had to pick you up.” He insists that it isn’t my fault, but I can’t help but feel hurt, especially as they have been apologizing to my sister all evening and are promising make up classes for her. </p>
<p>I am asking you all whether it is understandable for parents to want a “break” from a senior, and how much of a compromise a senior should expect to make. What is a reasonable balance? Am I reasonable in expecting support for at least 2 extracurricular activities?</p>
<p>It’s hard to know what to say; as a parent I treasured those final months of driving the senior everywhere because I knew that precious time was coming to an end. None of us here can possibly know what your parents are thinking, or dealing with at the moment. </p>
<p>Perhaps there are issues in play that you are not aware of. You said that they are busy professionals; sometimes there are career stresses that can be overwhelming. Year-ends, a lot of companies do reogs, promotions, job responsibility upgrades and downgrades; it’s possible one or both of your parents have just had some career event take place that is overwhelming them suddenly. </p>
<p>I would suggest sitting them both down and talking to them, and letting them know how important these activities are to you, and why. Then, offer some solutions, and assure them that the solutions (such as your friend driving you) won’t be an additional stress on them. In addition, is there some way that you can relieve stress on your parents at home - perhaps something that isn’t directly related to commuting but may reduce overall stress? Helping to prepare or clean up after dinner, for example, or picking up extra chores? Maybe there is some room for compromise, but, it seems it’s going to have to start with a conversation…</p>
<p>I think latetoschool gave good advice. Your parents may be facing problems that have nothing to do with you, but that stress could spread to all areas of their lives. Talk to them about their reasoning without blaming them or complaining or talking about ‘the other kids.’ Talk to them about possible compromises. It could, also, be financial but your parents may not want to share that with you. Business could be slow, and they may be looking to cut back on costs.</p>
<p>what about taking your passions and using them in a different way</p>
<p>volunteer at an afterschool program doing dance, or teaching simple music, ot the like</p>
<p>do any of your friends to any service or volunteering at all?</p>
<p>why does everything have to be about you and your lessons</p>
<p>take what you have learned and use that knowledge to help others</p>
<p>it can be fun and very rewarding</p>
<p>or get a parttime job, earn some money</p>
<p>you are going to college, take some initiative for heaven’s sake</p>
<p>That isn’t exactly a fair statement, citygirlsmom. If the OP’s parents are providing transportation, she might not have a way to get to and from the job and that might just be another issue for her parents. My mom had to drive me to and from my job as a senior in high school (unless she didn’t need her car) and she wasn’t always so nice about it. It was not within walking distance of my house.</p>
<p>sorry if I sounded harsh, but there are things that can be done</p>
<p>has the OP even considered anything else? is there no other place near her school she can help out at? no afterschool programs for little kids?</p>
<p>did you notice how ALL the afterschool activities talked about were lessons, etc</p>
<p>many kids do other things</p>
<p>has op looked at other schools closer etc</p>
<p>I was trying to make the point, if it is what it is and she is bored, than she can take the initiative and fill her time with something productive, even it it s isn’t her voice and dance lessons</p>
<p>millions of kids do it every day</p>
<p>ps- my D took the bus after school everyday to her internship downtown</p>
<p>there are ways to use what is available if you really want to find them</p>
<p>I do drive my kids around alot, BUT at some point a senior NEEDS to take initiative and some independence</p>
<p>The OP needs to TONIGHT, look for what is available to do, what is at her school, what is at nearby middle schools etc</p>
<p>Many places are looking for young talented kids to help with plays, musicals, etc…</p>
<p>So if the parents have had enough, the student can find other things to do</p>
<p>Not fair maybe, but it is what it is, and perhaps the student will discover a new passion of helping others and not just focus on themselves</p>
<p>A generation of kids who are in lessons all the time, well, maybe some of those kids need to get into the world more and do for others</p>
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<p>I would like to give a direct answer to your question. </p>
<p>If we just set aside for the moment any possible extenuating circumstances: I don’t find it understandable at all that parents want a “break” from a senior, and I don’t find it understandable at all that a senior, simply because he/she is a senior, should be expected to make compromises. On the contrary, I see senior year as a time in which seniors are given every opportunity to achieve a fruitful culmination of their studies in school and their efforts in their ECs. I would see this as a major “point” to continuing your ECs until the end of school–if not, even further than that. In our household, when we had a senior, the senior’s activities would take preference, were there to be an unresolvable conflict. Your parents will only have to “cart” you for five more months.</p>
<p>So, I would see your desire to continue your ECs as perfectly natural, normal, and to be admired.</p>
<p>You were at school until 6:30 p.m. for, say, three hours with no specific activities after the end of classes?</p>
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<p>This is very hard to say without knowing your parents’ personal and family situation. I think that latetoschool’s advice is excellent. Whatever you can do to get to things or to arrange things on your own would not only be helpful to your parents but could make possible the achievement of your own goals. Is it possible that your parents have felt all along that you should be more helpful at home, or that you have had too many ECs?</p>
<p>Is the cost a concern to your parents? If your parents don’t wish to invest more money in these activities, could you pay for them yourself or promise to pay your parents back when you are older?</p>
<p>I don’t think that “expecting support” is the most constructive way to put it. It does seem surprising and unreasonable to me, though, to support faithfully an activity that is important to you until January of senior year, and then abruptly stop doing so without a reasonable explanation.</p>
<p>Edit: I like citygirlsmom’s basic idea, too–if you find, after discussion, that you can no longer rely on your parents, then find out what you can arrange and do on your own and do those things.</p>
<p>I had a mindset similar to ‘latetoschool’ in that I knew the clock was winding down and wanted to do whatever I could with my kids in the remaining months they had left before heading off to college. I think it’d be great if you could continue your ECs and make the most of what’s left of your HS years. </p>
<p>There may be some parents who see no point to the ECs once college apps are in and it may be true for some ECs for some kids who’re only doing them to put on a college app but this isn’t the case for many kids and ECs where kids are doing them because they really enjoy them.</p>
<p>Maybe you need to just let your parents know how important these activities are to you and request that they do what they can to help you in these few remaining months. Assuming you don’t drive (you’re implying you need your parents to drive you), maybe you can catch a ride with a friend/teammate or their parents to your activities.</p>
<p>Good luck and make the most of this final year.</p>
<p>I don’t know what the parents’ specific situation might be, but their decision sends such a wrong message, that ECs are worth pursuing only insofar as they are useful for college application instead of for their intrinsic worth.<br>
And then, students get criticized for resume padding? hmmm…</p>
<p>does the OP have any younger siblings> one poster complained about parents saying something about younger D missing her class because of picking up poster…well imagine being the little sister missing her class…the poster showed little concern for sibling at all…could the senior not have figured out her own way home? thought about others for a moment…gee my sister has a lesson, and I need to get home, let me ask around for a ride or something as I am old enough to do that</p>
<p>a senior, who will be asking for more independence as time goes on, well its time to start acting independent to a degree</p>
<p>have conversations with your parents…mom, I am at school until such and such a time, and I know little sis has a class, I can get a ride home or take the bus, would that work?</p>
<p>part of being a senior is stepping up, and doing for yourself to a degree, and part of that is looking at what is going on around you, and planning</p>
<p>I am NOT saying the OP parent’s are right, i have no idea, but I am saying if this is what they have decided, than the OP needs to step up and figure things out</p>
<p>Maybe the parents see the ec’s as useless, who knows, I think singing and dance are important, but taking lessons isn’t the only way to pursue those intersts and the OP should look into other things, not just focus on changing parents mind</p>
<p>Mallomar…
I read your post last night and frankly, I was so sad when I read it that I just didn’t know what to post to you because I feel the complete opposite of your parents. I am sure you have wonderful parents and so I don’t want to put them down and I haven’t heard all of what they have to say on this. But it does sadden me nonetheless. </p>
<p>I infer from your post that your parents do not feel you need to do your ECs anymore now that your college apps are in…the part of your post that says “what’s the point?” implies that. This concept is so foreign from my experience and so that is a big part of why I am baffled and sad about the turn of events for you. I have never thought of ECs as something you do to get into college. My kids never thought of ECs that way either. They started their EC passions at a young age, which sounds like you have as well, and surely not with college in mind. They continued these passions through senior year and into college because they are, well, just that…passions and interests. The idea of stopping because college apps are in and so there is no “point”, I just do not understand. Does one do music or dance to get into college? I can’t imagine putting years into that unless you loved the activity for its own sake. I agree with Marite wholeheartedly about the message that your parents give that ECs are only useful for getting into college and once your apps are in, no need to keep doing the ECs. Believe me that many parents and kids, such as in my own family, think of ECs for their own intrinsic worth and could not fathom giving them up once apps were filed. As Marite says, students who pad resumes are frowned upon and here it sounds like your parents see ECs as having the purpose of buidling a resume for college. I don’t see ECs that way AT ALL. If my kids never went to college, they’d still have done every EC that they did. In fact, my kids are now IN college and continuing their EC passions. These passions did not end once HS was over. On this very day, my D who does performing arts is in Brazil working with those in the arts. My D who did a lot of sports and arts is competing with her college team today. That’s just today, but every day is like this for them in college, just as it was in HS. </p>
<p>Back to your situation. I’d have to hear your parents’ entire reason. It appears money is not the reason. I hear a bit of it has to do with “no point” and the other bit appears to be the driving hassles and juggling two kids who have to be in different places and that your activities are now less important (to your parents) than your sister’s as she is still building her resume for college. I can’t relate to this at all but that is what I am inferring from your post. I know what juggling two kids’ activity schedules and driving requirements entailed as my husband and I were doing this every afternoon, evening and weekend, very long distances from when they were little until they graduated (though my kids did drive in their later years of high school though this meant providing them with a car to drive). So, I understand the driving dilemma. I don’t understand, however, how that is new for them but simply they seem unwilling to do it now that you have applied to college. </p>
<p>So, what to do…I think you should have a heartfelt conversation, which may include writing them a letter first if that helps you, and explain that music and dance are a part of you, and deep interests and you don’t want to give them up and hope to continue in college (do you?) and that you want to make sure you can understand their SPECIFIC reasons why they don’t want you to do them anymore. Explain their importance to you. If their hesitation is the driving arrangements, try to brainstorm solutions for that. Can you arrange some rides with others to ease the burden? Might your sister also be able to arrange some rides so that it all works for the family? </p>
<p>I don’t agree with citygirlsmom. I don’t see the difference between whether this girl goes to dance class or volunteers to teach a dance class to kids. She still needs transportation. You are assuming she can just hop on a bus. Sorry but that is a big assumption. Whether my kids volunteered, did paid jobs, or did their own lessons (and they did all of these), they had to be driven or drive themselves (with a car provided to do so). There is no public transportation where I live. In fact, our dance studio (just one of the many activities my kids did daily) is 25 miles away and I had to stay there or arrange two one hour roundtrips to that one activity alone each day on top of the other activities for both which were also very far. The only thing that involved less drive time are activities that take place AT school, though we still had to pick them up afterwards but that was a bit easier. </p>
<p>I don’t know if cost is a factor for the OP, though it didn’t sound like that was the issue unless her parents didn’t feel like paying anymore now that she is a senior and doesn’t HAVE to have these ECs for college. To me she has to have them as they are part of who she is and are the worthwhile activities that make up her life outside the classroom (rather than hanging around a few hours as her parents seem to be content to have her do now). So, while she can teach dance or music lessons or a myriad of other activities, the point is that she likely still needs transportation to do these. I would like to think that she cares a lot about music and dance after years of doing it and that she will want to continue in college. </p>
<p>Other parents have brought up another issue…I recall the last year of high school being bittersweet for us as parents…attending the last music concert, last dance performance, last soccer game, etc…things we had been going to their entire lives and not wanting it to end. We are still going to these events in college (I drove 6 hours roundtrip yesterday to see my D in her EC event). So, we ENJOYED going to the “final” ones in HS. I can’t imagine stopping these midyear senior after years and years of watching my kids in these events. In fact, my youngest child was so seriously injured in March of her final year of high school, that we lamented that we’d have to miss seeing her in her final events in high school, all of which she was out of due to injuries. I can’t imagine voluntarily cutting out these important “lasts” of high school, as the OP’s parents are doing. </p>
<p>So, Mallomar, have a heartfelt discussion and go over why these activities are so important to you and find out your parents objections and try to problem solve around their objections as to how you can continue with your interests in some way. Good luck and let us know how it goes. I would not go along with the “there is no point any longer” concept. Explain why there is a point. Then work on the logistics or whatever else are the objections.</p>
<p>Best,
Susan</p>
<p>By senior year, my D had so many activities before and after school, that we let her drive. You might try to push for that approach.</p>
<p>My kids drove themselves too at that point, but it only worked if a car was available to them and not all kids have such access to a car if their parents are using the only cars the family owns.</p>
<p>This is a total shot in the dark, but:</p>
<p>Have you been stalling about getting your driver’s license?</p>
<p>I have known of families where the parents threatened to cut off transportation to extracurricular activities because they felt that the young person wasn’t doing his/her share of meeting the family’s transportation needs by getting a driver’s license and being available to do some errands, driving of siblings, etc.</p>