Convince my dad to come to my Brown graduation

rrah · April 9, 2009, 10:55pm

Wolfmanjack–first, Congrats on this accomplishment. Definitely keep after your dad and do ask your grandfather.

Strangely enough my H and I were talking about our parents today. His are deceased. Mine are still around. Both DH and I grew up in working class families. It sounds like maybe you did too? (if I’m wrong here some of what I’m about to say might not apply, but overall it will) Our working class families were extremely proud of us when we graduated from college (and it wasn’t Brown) My parents really wanted me to go to college and so did my H’s mother. His father, not so much. Over the years though we’ve noticed an ever so small distance between us that probably wouldn’t have existed if we didn’t go to college. Maybe what your father is noticing, even if he doesn’t say it, is that you are now “different” than he is? Maybe he’s afraid he won’t fit into your new world? The funny thing about parenting is that we want our children to fly and do well, but sometimes when they do we acutely feel left behind. Maybe he doesn’t want to face that? (or maybe he’s just a mean soandso like my fil)

HImom · April 10, 2009, 3:53am

My friend was the 1st kid in her extended family to graduate from college. There was definitely some “distancing” by them and ribbing of her as to whether “she felt better” than them and similar digs. She tried to take it in stride but I could tell she was hurt that while all of them said they were proud of her, it was apparent that they were also jealous.

Did you ever see “My Fair Lady?” After Liza was transformed from a young person selling flowers at the street corner into a genteel young lady, she was neither 'fish nor fowl" and didn’t really “fit” where she had grown up and with her old friends but wasn’t fully accepted in the new world she was groomed for either. Some of what you’re experiencing might be a bit of that as well.

I’m sorry you are not getting the encouragement and support you deserve from your folks. We can indeed choose people who WILL support us and cultivate those friendships–someone you met at Brown? A neighbor? A mentor? All of those would probably be proud to support you and celebrate with you at Brown. It is a great accomplishment and I’m sorry it doesn’t sound like your parents will be there for whatever reasons.

wolfmanjack · April 10, 2009, 9:44am

My grandpa can’t come because he’s in his late 80’s and doesn’t get around well. He likes to sit around at home and maybe go out to eat every now and again but never really leaves town. And yes, I grew up pretty poor.

Again, thanks for the responses. I will have some good people around on that day. However, things have went downhill with my dad.

He has a facebook account and posted a status saying “I sure am proud of my son graduating from Brown next month”. So I commented on it and said “So proud you’re not coming to the graduation?” The next day I noticed he deleted my comment. I responded with, “I see you found the delete button. Nevada and Gambling - 2, Rhode Island and son - 0” alluding to the fact that he’s flown to NV twice during my two years here but never once come to see me.

As you may know, no one likes to be called out, especially in public. I got a phone call last night about 9:30 Eastern. I could tell he had consumed a few glasses of wine and had rehearsed what he said before he said it. It went pretty well, “You need to get you sh** together. [making fun of me] on facebook because you think I need to spend $2,000 to see you on day of GLORRY?? Because you think you are the center of the world.”

I hung up. End of 15 second conversation. The sad part is that I had already found him tickets for $250 RT and $50/night rooms on campus. I guess he conveniently forgot about that. I think HE is very self involved. He barely knows which classes I’m taking or what I’m researching at any given time. It took two years for him to figure out which degree I was getting.

NorthMinnesota · April 10, 2009, 10:19am

WMJ… I think what you are asking for is that your dad step up to the plate and demonstrate his support and a tangible display of his acceptance and love for you. As a child of divorce (MANY years ago) I get that. You want him to be proud of you and the hard work and sacrifice that you have made. I have been in your shoes. Through much pain and tears I had to accept that my dad was not capable of giving me the emotional support that I needed. We never had a falling out but his lack of support led to years of a strange relationship. I learned you can push for a close relationship but sometimes parents aren’t capable of giving you what you want/need. You can accept him for what he is and realize it really isn’t about you or you can be upset and dwell on it and make yourself miserable. Look deep inside and find what is important to you. I chose to surround myself with others who could support me in a loving way. (((hugs)))

HImom · April 10, 2009, 11:52am

People have different levels of being able to care, even about those who should be nearest and dearest to them. Each of us has some control over how much we allow the actions/inactions of others to affect how we feel. As the post above said, his actions are more about HIM and his self-involvement than about you at this point.

I am glad you have supportive others in your life, even tho I know you are aching for more. Congrats and hope you can move ahead without bitterness, since it just poisons you.

expatme · April 10, 2009, 12:08pm

WMJ: your hurt is obvious, and not unfounded. calling him out in public as you did didn’t really communicate to him what you want. It may not help…but you could try and be as articulate as you are here and not just react:

Yes i want you here on my glory day; because as my father it is your glory day too. I wanted to share it with you, and have you here to share it with me. I am hurt that you don’t seem to want to be here, and I am sorry that apparently you will miss this important day of my life.

anothermom-w-q · April 10, 2009, 12:21pm

Just one more little share. My dad was a very cold person who never put the kids first and I spent the first 35 years of my life trying to please him. He was a type A, a surgeon, very much in control and very self involved.
After he retired, and especially in the last few years of his life, he changed. He mellowed, and he actually expressed regret that he had missed things that were important because of his work.

You can’t change who your father is now. But it is possible that some day he himself will change. In the meantime, accept him as he is. If it were me I would apologise about the facebook thing. I think it was wrong to try to publically embarrass him into going. I know why you did it, but it only escalated things.

And by the way, congrats again. You should be very proud of yourself for all you have accomplished.

Northstarmom · April 10, 2009, 3:02pm

“You can’t change who your father is now. But it is possible that some day he himself will change. In the meantime, accept him as he is. If it were me I would apologise about the facebook thing. I think it was wrong to try to publically embarrass him into going. I know why you did it, but it only escalated things.”

Agree with everything above.

I also have a friend whose father was abusive and did not support my friend’s desire for higher education. He didn’t believe women needed an education. She ended up sending herself through college.

In old age, he mellowed. What’s better, though, was that my friend found friends/family who loved and supported her, and somehow she found a way not to hate her father. She and her father became close in his old age.

The same happened to another friend.

This may or may not happen to you, but what you can do is surround yourself with people who care about you and truly support you. You can’t change your dad. You can live a happy, fulfilled live no matter how he chooses to act.

Incidentally, your father’s Facebook post shows he is proud of you. In doing that post, your father gave you more visible support than I ever got from mine. Clearly, you father isn’t willing or possibly able to give you love in exactly the way you want, but he did make an attempt to demonstrate his love.

pugmadkate · April 10, 2009, 3:04pm

You’ve been given great advice about chosen families and the limits of some relationships. I want to add onto that the only person’s behavior/attitude you can control is yours.

I strongly disagree with this. Your father left college to work on the family farm. He did what it took to support a family making hourly wages. You are a young person who has accomplished something wonderful. But that in no way diminishes what your father did and I find the arrogence of believing that your father now looks “bad” in comparison to you to be a rather immature pov. I also cannot help but wonder how much of this attitude you convey to your father, knowingly or not.

Your reaction to him on facebook was also immature, but I suspect you know that. Imagine if instead of taking a swipe at him, you’d simply commented, “Thank you, Dad. That means a lot to me. I am proud of you, too for all you did to help me get here.”

Every step in life you will need to decide if you want to feel victorious in the moment or you want to feel proud in the long run. The openings to take shots or prove you are “right” are endless and easy. The openings to make progress towards being a more loving, compassionate, forgiving person are not so plentiful and very difficult. I certainly wish I’d come to understand that far earlier than I did.

HImom · April 10, 2009, 3:14pm

Actually we all make choices regularly on whether to be more inclusive and share the “limelight” and glory or not. Our actions affect those around us, including those who will chose to spend their time with us and those who love us.

How we react to others does affect how others act toward us. WE hold the power by how WE choose to act. Once we start making small changes, they help us make larger ones within ourselves as well.

dmd77 · April 10, 2009, 3:47pm

Your father sounds very worried about money. I wonder if he’s also worried about losing his job? You mention he went to Nevada to gamble–did he perhaps lose a little too much?

Others have pointed out that you can’t control his behavior, only your own. Nonetheless, it appears that it IS important to you that he come to your graduation. Have you told him that, flat out? As in, “Dad, it’s really important to me that you come to my graduation.” ?

If I remember correctly, Brown has a small discretionary fund in the Provost’s office (I think that’s where it is–it might be the Dean of Student Affairs). You might ask if you could borrow the funds for your mother to come. Then your father’s absence might not be so difficult?

wolfmanjack · April 10, 2009, 4:46pm

“I find the arrogence of believing that your father now looks “bad” in comparison to you to be a rather immature pov.”

Actually he told me he regrets going back to the work on the farm and it was a dumb move. My grandpa (who is very wealthy) could have found any number of people to work the farm as that is how it is being done now, by two other people. That’s a terrible argument and if you wish I can construct a nice long reason why. It’s actually what I wrote my admission essay on. I also didn’t get involved with drugs, drinking, drop out of college, or have two failed marriages and lost custody of one daughter. I’m not physically or verbally abusive to my wife and kids. A judge actually told my dad during my mom’s divorce that he was a disgrace. My dad told me this once.

“Your reaction to him on facebook was also immature, but I suspect you know that.”

I was teasing him in jest, pointing out the obvious irony in his trips and what he claims to care about. I have done the same with him on the phone in the past. It’s nothing new. I’ve been prodding him for a long time and he’s been okay with it (or at least hasn’t reacted poorly).

“. I wonder if he’s also worried about losing his job? You mention he went to Nevada to gamble–did he perhaps lose a little too much?”

Nope, he is completely fine financially and has a secure position. His father is tight (the reason he gives me money is because it’s a tax write-off for him…but he’s getting better at helping than he used to). He is tight.

Mom4X · April 10, 2009, 5:05pm

Reading this thread is so sad. I believe your father could be an alcoholic. You refer to his drug use, drinking, etc. It may be impossible for him to be willing to step out of his controlled environment to attend your graduation. I am not making excuses for him, just offering a possible explanation. He also may not feel like he will fit in with the other suit and tie families who will be in attendance. Since you say both he and your grandfather have money, why not ask them if they would consider, as a gift to YOU, sending your mother to attend in their place. He may hate her as a person, but it would be a true gift from his heart to send her in his place. You said she would like to come but cannot afford it. My Dad was an alcoholic, and died not really knowing the adult me. It was his loss, but still makes me sad. I learned it is never wrong to say how YOU feel, as long as you do not turn it around to become an accusation. I so wish you had not done the facebook thing. You are better than that. And move beyond the sarcasm and ‘joking’ when you talk to him. Send him a photo of you holding your diploma and simply say: ‘I am so sorry you were not able to make my graduation. I really wish you could have been here to share this day with me.’ That is the truth. Move forward and do not dwell on this or it will spoil your grand accomplishment! Somewhere down deep, you have a little of your father in you, like it or not - the good part, that pushed you to achieve your own own goals, to not give up, to strive for excellence. He buried it within himself under a pile of booze.

I hope you become a father one day, and you can then set your own standard for parenting, and I know you will not miss a single graduation, be it kindergarten or Brown!

pugmadkate · April 10, 2009, 6:51pm

It was not teasing him in jest. You’re hurt and you took the opprotunity to take a dig at your father under the guise of humor. You’re too old to be hiding behind the “I was just joking” excuse. If you did not want your father to attend your graduation, you’re actions on facebook would have been reasonable but you claim to want him there.

Why do you want your father at your graduation? What is it you are hoping he’ll experience? Pride in you? Remorse for his own actions? Both? Or something else entirely?

I also wonder why you are so focused on the parent who will not come rather than the one who wants to attend. Have you inquired at school if there is any money for parents attending? Asked your father or grandfather for money for a ticket for your mother?

Helenback · April 10, 2009, 7:28pm

I agree with the earlier poster who mentioned the possibility of your dad being an alcoholic. My dad is, and his ability to connect and care has declined steadily as the disease has progressed. One of the most important things he wants from the people around him is for everyone to maintain the illusion that he’s fine. If you dare to suggest otherwise he reacts with extreme hostility. That defensiveness, that quick anger, is a hallmark of addicts. Yes, I suppose some could say that your facebook joke was provocative, but what if it was? This is another thing that drives me bananas about being a child of dysfunctional parents–I’m always supposed to take the high road, be the better person, and take care of them. What he wanted–in my not very informed opinion–is the same thing my parents want from me. He wants to brag about you. He wants to hold you up as a reflection of himself. He wants to show the world he has this terrific kid–but he has no real interest in being a terrific dad. Nobody that hasn’t been there is really going to get this, but I’m telling you as frankly as I can that this relationship will bring you years of misery, and you can save yourself from that by realizing now that he’s a very damaged, very limited person. Perhaps this is your wake up call, that this is the best this guy has to offer. Anne Lamott said this about her mother, who was also a dysfucntional parent, but it applies to dads too:

“My mother did the best she could, it’s just that her best was awful. It was like the Monty Python Ministry of Silly Walks trying to raise a little girl.”

Your dad is–imo–just manipulating you, manipulating the situation to focus your attention on him. Narcissistic in the extreme.

Have a terrfic time at your graduation! Send him some pictures, and then go on and have a great life!

Northstarmom · April 10, 2009, 11:53pm

“I was teasing him in jest, pointing out the obvious irony in his trips and what he claims to care about. I have done the same with him on the phone in the past. It’s nothing new…”

I believe that you view what you did as a simple joke. You probably grew up in a family in which such digs were considered jokes. I grew up in the same kind of family, and was told that I was “too sensitive” when I felt hurt by such digs.

The truth is that such comments are not jokes, but are hurtful cuts. Understandably, you feel hurt that your dad doesn’t want to attend your big day. Still, your response was unkind to his facebook post that indicated his pride in your success. Even a parent who wasn’t dysfunctional would react with anger and hurt to the kind of public comment that you posted. I agree that it would be appropriate for you to apologize.

“I also wonder why you are so focused on the parent who will not come rather than the one who wants to attend. Have you inquired at school if there is any money for parents attending? Asked your father or grandfather for money for a ticket for your mother?”

I wonder the same thing. If I were your mother I would be hurt that you’re putting so much energy into trying to get the parent to come who is displaying such disinterest, yet you don’t seem to be putting effort into trying to find a way for your mother to come even though she wants to come.

Surely there’s something that you could do or could help your mother do that would allow her to be there for your big day.

That would be a more productive use of your time and effort than trying to force a parent to come who doesn’t seem interested. Embrace and empower the love that is in your life.

You also may find it helpful to read about and join groups for children of alcoholics. One doesn’t need to have a parent who was diagnosed as an alcoholic to be able to find help there.

[Adult</a> Children - Adult Children of Alcoholics](<a href=“http://alcoholism.about.com/od/adult/Adult_Children_of_Alcoholics.htm]Adult”>Adult Children of Alcoholics: Behaviors and Getting Support)

Naturally · April 11, 2009, 12:16am

The Facebook comment was a really bad choice. I realize you really want your dad to attend your graduation and are hurt that he might not. But he spontaneously, without prompting, told the world he was proud of you and you responded by taking a shot at him. In public. That wasn’t a “joke”. It was you lashing out.

I’m sorry your dad doesn’t understand how important this is to you. Our parents are who they are, though. Just tell him in plain language that this means a lot to you and you hope he will attend. Also, take time out to appreciate yourself and what you’ve accomplished. You achieved something great! Good job!

wolfmanjack · April 11, 2009, 8:37am

“your facebook joke was provocative, but what if it was? This is another thing that drives me bananas about being a child of dysfunctional parents–I’m always supposed to take the high road, be the better person, and take care of them. What he wanted–in my not very informed opinion–is the same thing my parents want from me. He wants to brag about you. He wants to hold you up as a reflection of himself. He wants to show the world he has this terrific kid–but he has no real interest in being a terrific dad.”

Hit the nail on the head better than anyone else! Of course he tries to take credit for my work by saying that I got my smarts from him. His post on facebook was him publicly bragging about himself, something that he’s done for years. You wouldn’t believe how much he used to talk about his athletic abilities. If he gets a high score on a trivia thing in a bar he’ll call me to brag about it. So, if he starts bragging about himself on facebook through ME I’m definitely going to make a comment because that’s not okay with me at all. Also, no one likes the truth to be layed out for everyone to see. He has rose colored glasses on and I took them off for everyone to see (not that more than 4 people may have seen it anyway lol). Two of those being my sisters. I guess he opened himself up to attack and got hit with a haymaker. Whether I should have or not, eh, maybe not but he’s still the jerk here not me.

I haven’t received one apology from him about any crap he’s pulled - ever. Ever.

About my mom, no I can’t ask my dad’s dad for money because he still doesn’t like her from things said 20+ years ago. Yeah it’s stupid. I had planned on paying for my mom’s ticket but I ran out of money (yay economy!) and lost all my hours at my job save a few. I doubt they have funding for parents to come but I can ask. The sad part of my mom’s story is that is a little messed up itself. Her ridiculous husband (see a theme here?) got $6,000 for a work injury and bought a PS3, surround sound system, and lcd tv, and paid off a bill. I asked her if she would have money to save for a plane ticket and she said she didn’t know yet. Later the answer was no. I don’t think she had much control of that money though.

Northstarmom · April 11, 2009, 8:58am

Hit the nail on the head better than anyone else! Of course he tries to take credit for my work by saying that I got my smarts from him…So, if he starts bragging about himself on facebook through ME I’m definitely going to make a comment because that’s not okay with me at all. "

I have empathy for you. When it was time for me to go to college, my father, a dentist, said he had no money to give me, and he followed through on that. When I graduated, he didn’t come. I can’t ever remember him saying, “I love you” or expressing pride in me. After he died, however, people told me that he bragged about me around town.

So, please remember what my own experience is when you read my advice.

You are hurting yourself by continuing to try to make your father into the kind of father that you want him to be. Your life will be a lot happier if you stop trying to change him, and if you also unfriend him from Facebook. What you’re doing is wasted energy and is resulting in your being repeatedly hurt and disappointed.

Look what resulted from your Facebook zing to your father: nothing good. Your father got angry, and you got hurt again. No matter how much you beg, chide, demonstrate your caring, write perfect letters, use the best words, you can’t change your dad into what you want him to be. All you’re doing is causing yourself more hurt, anger, and disappointment. By taking the low road, the person you’re really hurting is yourself. By ignoring him and moving on with your life, you’d set yourself free to have relationships with people who do care for you and show it in a supportive way.

If you put that energy instead into relationships with people who obviously love and support you, you’ll live a happier life. This includes your doing what you can to get your mom to your graduation. I would bet money that there is a way even if it means your borrowing on your credit card or from the school or asking your friends and other family to give you the graduation gift of having your mother be with you on your graduation day.

I continue to suggest that you read some about adult children of alcoholics. There are many people who have experienced the kind of pain you’re experiencing, and who have found ways of living happy lives despite having a parent who is incapable of giving them the love that they want.

wolfmanjack · April 11, 2009, 9:03am

I’m not that beat about it, just frustrated that I have a lame dad. I’m actually really happy lately. I just got a job interview yesterday and I have great friends here.

My dad’s bday is the 22nd and I had already purchased a gift and card a few months ago. I’m trying to figure out whether I should just send the card and keep the gift or send both.

Convince my dad to come to my Brown graduation

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