<p>I felt like writing this short story in an attempt to get some peer opinions to send to my father about this choice not to attend my graduation.</p>
<p>Back story:</p>
<p>I was never pressured to go to college, and was actually at one point told to go to a tech school rather than a 4-year institution by my father after I was already out of high school. No one ever talked to me about college while I was in high school so after high school I just worked and helped care for my newborn brother (surprise!) and worked part-time. My parents are divorced btw. At 19, I out and went around to a few cities and got some experience working various places. At 21 I decided to avoid tech school and go for a BA. I moved back to my hometown to attend the community college there. To my surprise - I loved it. I worked up to 40 hours a week at a beer distributor for $6.50/hour and got a nice back injury out of it. After my first semester I got a better job with FedEx and finished off my remaining two years at the CC. I worked for what could have been more than a year on my transfer applications. </p>
<p>I ended up going to Brown! Unfortunately, although I was 24 and federally independent, my parent’s income was still counted toward my finaid. My father’s income caused my finaid to decrease and his contribution to increase. I received no financial assistance from him other than a pair of casual dress shoes ($90 maybe?) and I can’t stop hearing about them. Luckily, I got money from his father to help pay for my expenses of moving and money owed to the college, as well as spending money for the year. </p>
<p>Two years have passed and now I am graduating at almost 26 years old. I have prodded my dad about coming to my graduation for the last year. Neither of my parents have come to visit me during my time here. My mother has financial problems but my father has the means to come. Whenever I talk to him about coming I just hear, “I sure am proud. I know it’s important and all but look how much money I’ll lose from not working.” He has months of vacation time he sell back to the company. He would rather keep it and keep working for those few days (the graduation is memorial weekend so he wouldn’t even need to take more than 1 day off really, perhaps zero) to make more money than take a small trip to visit.</p>
<p>Now I’m not sure how to convey to him that this only happens once and won’t happen again. I don’t know how to convey to him that he is missing out on something and will regret it. I’m hoping some others could write something I could copy/paste and send to him. It may help, or at least make him feel bad :)</p>
<p>Have at it.</p>
<p>p.s. - One of my sisters is coming so at least one person from my family will be here so I’m not forced to take pictures of myself lol.</p>
<p>Wolfman- Your story brought tears to my eyes. Your dad’s thinking is very foreign to me, and I can’t imagine not sharing in your joy at your remarkable accomplishments. That said, it is very hard to change a person’s behavior. They just do what they know how to do. Is there someone who he listens to that might encourage him to go?
You said that your grandfather helped pay your tuition. Perhaps he would like to come and share this special day with you.
It seems like there is more going on with your dad then we can understand. Did he get a chance to go to college? Is there something else related to the divorce? Is he struggling financially? Does he have other issues like depression or substance abuse problems that prevent him from looking outside of himself?
I hope that some wise parent is able to express something that will help change his mind. If it doesn’t please just accept that some people cannot change their behavior and will make mistakes, even when they are supposed to be older and wiser than us.</p>
<p>I hope you know how important you are in my life. And because of that great importance it is equally important to me that you come and support me in a moment in my life in which I take great pride. I have worked hard. I have studied long hours and read tens of thousands of pages to get to this day. I have written papers, learned about the world we live in and I am determined to make a difference in this lifetime. As I put my cap and gown on 45 days from today it will be a hollow victory without you there to share it with me. You brought me into this world and it would only be fitting to see me off into my new life as a college graduate. Not only a college graduate…an IVY league college graduate!! Dad, it is very important to me that you are here next month. I know you have work obligations and you feel the pull to stay and work. But I am pulling you to me. I envision the picture of me in all of my graduate gear, standing next to the most important man in my life, smiling with my degree in my hand. That picture can only be taken on one day. Will you be in it?</p>
<p>I have a lot of empathy for you. My father didn’t come to my graduation, and I didn’t even know if he was coming to my wedding until he arrived during the wedding.</p>
<p>I’m sorry, but I don’t think that there’s anything that you can do to change your father’s mind. His odd way of looking at the world, and his odd way of treating you is most likely a reflection of himself, not a reflection of anything you have done or haven’t done. The sooner that you realize that you can’t influence or control him, the sooner you’ll be free of the stress and grief caused by vainly trying to make your dad demonstrate the kind of caring you’d love for him to feel toward you.</p>
<p>My advice is to invite to graduation family and friends who have been supportive of you and who you know will be delighted to be part of your special day.</p>
<p>We have no choice of the families we’re born into. We can choose, however, to create what I call “families of the heart” from friends and others who clearly love and support us. </p>
<p>Realizing that one’s parent is unlikely to ever love you in the way that you wish is a hard dream to give up, but once you do, it opens your life to being able to welcome love from people who can love you the way you want. Counseling can help you take that step.</p>
<p>Congratulations on your extraordinary success! You have received excellent advise here.
Your father is who he is and it in no way reflects on your fantastic achievement.
My H has the same sort of father. H still struggles with the lack of support today. I wrote the following advice on a scrap of paper and he keeps it in his wallet still.</p>
<p>He went to to the same CC I went to with the intentions of becoming a veterinarian but dropped out and worked on our farm for my grandfather. I think he regrets it. He worked hourly jobs until he was 45 or so. I am definitely making him look bad in comparison, although he was very talented in school. His ego was 10x the size of mine however. But when you have dysfunctional parents it’s easy to see what NOT to do. He probably has lots of weird issues but he does drink nightly and has for many years. It’s not as much of an issue anymore but it happens. I mean I can be around him while he’s drinking now and it’s not weird because he doesn’t get out of control. He is fine financially, and we have a good relationship.</p>
I am writing to you to tell you something because my attempts to talk to you in person don’t seem to have worked.
As you know, I’m graduating from college this year. Graduation is Memorial Day weekend. I really want you to be there. It a really big deal for me that I’ve accomplished this. Most of my classmates will have parents and family there to celebrate and I want my dad to be there too. It will mean a lot to me if you come.
I’ll be really disappointed if you don’t. It’s not the sort of disappointment that I’ll get over in a day or a week or a month or a year. It’s going to be something I’ll always remember. I’ve tried to talk to you about this, but I don’t think I’ve been successful in conveying to you just how hurt I’m going to be if you don’t show up. I’m writing to you because I want to make sure you really do understand how much it will mean to me if you do and WHAT it will mean to me if you don’t.
This is one of those events that happens once in a lifetime. There will be no chance for a “do over.” So, I just want to make sure you understand what you are doing if you don’t come and blow this one.
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<p>My parents only attended ONE of our graduations (that of my younger brother) out of the 7 of us kids from college & graduate schools. Yes, it would have been nice if they had made it to any of them but we did know they were proud of us but going to graduations was really just not their “thing.” They did go to our HS grads & that was it.</p>
<p>My parents do love us–did love us then & continue to love us now. I think we can only invite and give them the option but it don’t make this about whether he loves you now or will love you in the future. People make lots of choices based on what is going on in THEIR lives and THEIR issues and it isn’t always about us and anything we have or have not done. If we make it about US and whether WE are loved, we set ourselves up for pain and hurt without any good benefit.</p>
<p>Confessing here that I didn’t attend one D’s college graduation. It would have been expensive plane fare and I didn’t have much vacation time at work. She was 1000 miles away, a transfer and pretty lackadaisical about school. She was older than the average graduate, her dad, from whom I was divorced, paid for her college and attended w/ his wife who was about the age of D. I visited her once or twice each year and she came home to me for vacations. She was fine with my not attending graduation and so was I. We have a very close relationship and she lives only 11 miles from me now.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>I’ve prodded him about coming like I said. I’ve mentioned that he’ll regret it.</p></li>
<li><p>He has the means to come. My mom doesn’t and wishes she could.</p></li>
<li><p>I’m not graduating from Podunk University after memorizing a few bold words in a text book. It’s one of the best schools in the world. I took a class from the person who trained the astronauts - the same class they took before going to the moon. That’s just one example. And I have a pretty good GPA (even though Brown doesn’t officially have them).</p></li>
<li><p>I’m not one to give a get out of jail free card to anyone who is acting like a bad parent. Toleration enables continuation.</p></li>
<li><p>Yes it is 2000 miles away and a few hundred dollars on a plane ticket. I even found cheaper tickets for him and sent him the link. I offered $50/night housing on campus.</p></li>
<li><p>Thanks for the responses.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>I can’t see that there is no “get out of jail free” card and I don’t see that there is no “bad parent” because priorities don’t necessarily align between you and your parent.</p>
<p>My hubby had many, many months of vacation and sick leave with his employer from decades with them. He was still told that there were many unspoken limitations on how he could use this.</p>
<p>There is a lot of fear in the current economy that if you don’t show loyalty toward the company by sticking in there & taking leave, you may not be seen as a “team player” and may be considered dispensible when they are looking to cut positions.</p>
<p>Just saying that this is what your dad may be thinking and trying to provide a new perspective.</p>
<p>I used to work for his company and know the policies. I know how much time off he has since he told me (like I said we have a good relationship) and am aware whenever he takes vacation. He has twice flown to Nevada to gamble while I’ve been here and visited me 0 times.</p>
<p>The problem is that his priorities are asinine.</p>
<p>Many companies are using the current economic situation for their own purposes and making adjustments that they want. Yes, folks have odd priorities at times. My folks went on a lot of trips but did not travel to any of our 12 post HS graduations. I have kidded them about it but have not held it against them.</p>
<p>FWIW, we do plan to attend our kids’ graduations but my parents haven’t attended any of their grandchildren’s college graduations to date (all were out-of-state), tho they did attend a local law school graduation when their 1st grandchild graduated from the local law school.</p>
<p>As far as the work argument goes, he hasn’t mentioned anything about that and that’s not issue. That argument is a lost cause, especially since he hasn’t cited it as a reason (and he would if it were). Also, my dad doesn’t have 7 graduations to attend. Just two and he already missed one.</p>
<p>We don’t choose our parents & they don’t chose their kids–it is nonetheless our choice how we choose to build a relationship or not. It does not sound like the two of you foster much of that between yourselves. I wish both of you the best–you can only choose how you act and how you react to the actions and inactions of others.</p>
<p>wolfmanjack, I wish you could get you to a place where you wouldn’t care if your father doesn’t show up. It’s his loss, not yours. I encourage you to do what Northstarmom suggests, invite someone else who will appreciate cheering you on.</p>
<p>wolfmanjack–Your father is probably jealous of you. Jealous and proud at the same time. You remind him of what he did not accomplish. He probably does not want to recognize your accomplishment as all that important cause he did not achieve it. </p>
<p>I’ve seen this before. Parents who are reminded, at middle age, of what they could have been by what their children are doing.</p>
<p>You may convince him to come if you praise him and tell him he is why you are where you are, and that is why you want him there. This may not be true, and you may not be willing to do this. If there is any element of truth, try it.</p>
<p>In any case, I will be there with you in heart and spirit, as a parent, because you have accomplished a lot. I think you have a great chance for success in the future.</p>
<p>Unfortunately some people are just jerks. What you want is nothing more than the smallest thing a child can want from a parent–attention. Clearly it’s not about the work schedule. Narcissistic people really don’t have any attention to give. Or if you want to be more generous, maybe he’s jealous, like someone above suggested. If I could re-do a decade of my life, I’d like to have not spent my twenties chasing for affection and attention that my parents doled out in miserly droplets. I know you just have to go through it to get there, but my advice is to not even mention it to your dad again. I know it hurts, but the likelihood that he would show up and express appropriate joy and appreciation is small. Clearly he doesn’t get it, and having him not get it on that important day would possibly ruin it for you. As a mother now–a mother who would crawl over broken glass to watch my boys in a spelling bee–I marvel that my parents were so indifferent to so many wonderful moments. I get to see it now from the other side, and I know exactly what they missed–they missed some of the best parts of their own lives! Your dad is foolishly tossing away something wonderful.</p>
<p>You’ve done something truly amazing, so revel in it. Celebrate it, and love yourself for it.</p>