A young acquaintance of D’s was involved in a horrific incident and has now been charged with a crime (which will probably be found to be an accident). D does not know her well, although they are FB friends. I mentioned that perhaps she should post a message of condolence or support, as many others have done, but D indicated that she doesn’t know the girl that well. I’m somewhat torn between encouraging her to be compassionate and utter repulsion for this girl’s stupidity.
To me, it would depend on what happened. For example: it was late at night, a child ran out into the street, and you hit and killed them because you couldn’t see them = compassion and concern for her. OTOH, drunk driving and killed someone = I wouldn’t even be facebook friends with her anymore. (These are two extremes but I hope you understand what I mean.)
I’d let your D do what she’s comfortable (or not) with. If she’s not comfortable posting a message, for whatever reason, I think it should be left alone.
This doesn’t appear to be about actually coping with the tragedies of others but how to make yourself appear about it.
Why is this your business? I mean your daughter said she doesn’t know this person well. I leave it at that. I would respect my kid.
I was thinking of the thread I started about help for my friend, and thought this was going to be similar.
Guess not.
I would probably listen to your daughter. If she truly was close to the girl, I’m sure she would reach out, although a facebook message wouldn’t be the way to do it. Many people have facebook “friends” that are mere acquaintances and sometimes social media gives us a false sense of “knowing” a person and their life more than we really do. This seems to be the case here. I’d let it go. I personally find all the messages of support too easy, not too helpful and a little voyeuristic.
This sounds like the girl who encouraged the young boy to commit suicide by writing him hundreds of texts and telling him to get back in the car. Just sayin’.
Be that as it may, the last line, “I’m torn between compassion… and utter repulsion for this girl’s stupidity” doesn’t bode well. I agree with google, let it go.
Compassion is never wrong, and I think it should be encouraged. That friend is certainly hurting at this point, whatever the crime or stupidity. However it does not need to be posted on FB, and keeping it off FB unless in private message, or a handwritten personal message might have some wisdom.
This is helpful. I’m not on FB so I don’t know how people feel about condolences, etc. posted to their page. I do know this girl must be traumatized and sometimes things that can seem like trivial acts to us mean a lot to people who are struggling with such difficult circumstances.
If you wish to reach out and support this girl, by all means do so. But there are clearly reasons, of which you may not be aware, why your daughter feels it would be inappropriate for her to do so. You do not know the dynamics between her and this girl, or between groups of teenagers which could clearly color your daughter’s reactions. Do no force your daughter to do something that makes her uncomfortable in this situation. Trust her judgment.
Certainly not possible to force DD to do anything!
Facebook posts are not really all that private. Your D doesn’t want to make a public statement, and since, as you say, all the facts are not entirely known, it is probably best that she not go on the record supporting someone she is not even particularly close to.
I’d respect your daughter’s wishes and not go there a second time.
FB posts aren’t really private at all. If your D wanted to reach out privately, she could send her a FB message. It could be non-committal, such as “I’m thinking of you.” Or even–gasp–a handwritten note or card. 
Ultimately it is up to your D. I would–in the interest of a ling-term life lesson-- consider talking with her about how all too often when something terrible happens to a person or a family–whether it is their “fault” or not-- people don’t know what to say, so they say nothing at all, which ultimately kills any relationship. She doesn’t have to gush or come down on one side or another. Just acknowledging that the person is in a tough spot would be enough.