*coughSENIOR 0991cough* comments on essay, lol anyone appreciated

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Prompt: Should people make more of an effort to keep some things private?</p>

<p>Often times people feel more comfortable when they reserve certain parts of their lives to themselves. However, doing such can have momentous consequences. As evidenced by the Enron Scandal and the coming out of Ellen Degeneres, it is more beneficial to be expressive than to keep matters private because being open can prevent future catastrophes and inspire others to be honest.</p>

<p>In 2001, the bankrupcy of Enron demonstrated how severe the consequences of reticence could be. At first, Enron was a modest natural resources company with branches scattered around the US. Soon, however, Enron expanded globally and became a multi-billion dollar conglomerate. During its prime years, however, Enron’s auditing firm, Arthur Andersen, realized that much of its profit was dependent on the well-being of Enron. So when the firm discovered that Enron’s accounting was not absolutely true–meaning it inflated its actual value in stocks by millions of dollars–Arthur Andersen remained quiet. As a result of not delving into Enron’s accounting with a scrutinizing effort, Arthur Andersen helped set up one of the most momentous bankrupcies in US history. When Enron’s creative accounting was exposed in 2001, both Enron and Arthur Andersen plummetted to the economic abyss; keeping matters private led to a severe upset in the global economy, shaking the confidence of consumers in stock and forcing every major company to revise its accounting methods. Therefore, it could be argued that while remaining private led to the fall of Enron, only when matters became exposed did beneficial effects divulge–many other companies averted the fate of Enron by being able to see the effects of false accounting.</p>

<p>In the 20th century, few homosexual figures, especially in media, existed to inspire other gays to be confident and comfortable in their sexual orientation. Ellen Degeneres, a comedian and talk-show host, was a celebrity who was afraid to come out and declare herself a lesbian. Yet in the 1990’s, Ellen made a showing on Oprah in which she decided to come out publicly. From that point on, many once-diffident homosexuals found the inspiration and courage to let people know who they really were. Because Ellen decided to be open, many others found the inspiration to do the same.</p>

<p>When there is often so much <ran out=“” of=“” time=“”></ran></p>

<p>despite my lack of a conclusion, do you think this could be a double-digit essay and why/why not?</p>

2

<p>This is better than your first. You use hypotheticals in a way (not really, but you show the positives of one method and the detriments of the other, which is what the hypothetical aims to do). I think your second was better than this, because it was more coherent and you finished in time. You didn’t qualify your thesis, though. Surely you can find an instance when being private would be beneficial to all involved. </p>

<p>I think the major problem I had was how you went so indepth with the Enron example. This took up your valuable time, and it made the essay kind of lopsided in terms of length given to evidence. What I’d recommend is having less background for your examples. We all know Enron was a huge company, what they specifically did, and that they collapsed, etc. You’d be better off almost going straight into the analysis. Maybe one or two sentences of background would suffice. </p>

<p>Again, I don’t know the grading policy for not-finishing, so I can’t comment. But it was better than your first and worse than your second, imo. This was a harder topic, though, to write about imo. Hope that helps. </p>

<p>And in the future you could just PM me lol :)</p>

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<p>lol thanks G. i’ll try to qualify my thesis, only supply as much background as necessary, and try to finish well before the time limit next time!</p>

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<p>You’ve definitely improved from your first essay. I’m going to say the same thing – cut back on the background info about Enron and expand more on your third and fourth paragraphs.</p>

<p>I like how you find a way to work Enron into every essay :-P</p>

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<p>thanks 112358! lol yeah not being eclectic…its one of my weaknesses…i tend to only be able to brainstorm the same examples over and over. i suck at thinking outside the box.</p>

<p>@senior@132134 (okay that was a bad joke):</p>

<p>i found an essay that i really liked that had over 420 words (which is amazing to me. i use around 380 words) using 3 examples that were fully analyzed. can you compare and contrast his writing style/technique with mine? what are some good things he does that i can incorporate into my writing and what isn’t good(if anything)?:</p>

<p>THIS ESSAY ISN’T MINE. I FOUND IT FROM THE SAMPLE 12 ESSAY THREAD</p>

<p>prompt: is anything truly original? (something like that)</p>

<p>Throughout history, creative endeavors have been consistently prized as some of mankind’s greatest achievements. Yet, originality is never completely true. As evidenced by literary efforts following the Gilgamesh Epic, the role of the University of Chicago in the second ghettoization of urban Chicago, and the technology approach of Apple, complete originality cannot be found in the world today.</p>

<p>The Gilgamesh Epic—which entails the adventures of king and comrade—is commonly recognized as the first written narrative. Following this achievement, however, literature was denied the capability of being truly original. Every man-and-friend tale, from Huckleberry Finn to Lord of the Rings, has somewhere in its origins the delightful camaraderie found in the Gilgamesh epic. While both Huckleberry Finn and Lord of the Rings are innovative in certain respects, they nevertheless lack complete originality for the motifs and witticisms of each work have a foundation in history. Yet, to call the Gilgamesh epic utterly original would be erroneous as well. Even Gilgamesh—the first substantial work—finds its character from previous oral recollections and the environment of the time.</p>

<p>While the rhetoric of literature often proves to lack originality, the same can be said of the rhetoric of history. In the 1950’s, the University of Chicago attempted to smokescreen the residents of Chicago into believing that it was supportive of an interracial community. Even though the liberalism of the institution shrouded the university’s intentions, people ultimately saw through Chicago’s chicanery and realized that their main intent was to drive blacks out of the “classy” Hyde Park region. Indeed, Chicago’s attempt to ostensibly appear integrationist—and hence original—was seen through by an angered community. The residents of Chicago saw through the University’s ploy and realized that the University, despite its progressive posture, was no less racist than the rest of Chicago. It became clear that even a university lacks true originality for the cultural environment is so strongly engaged.</p>

<p>Even in the modern era, pragmatic concerns override the need to produce works that are unique. Indeed, the business strategy at Apple is designed not to envision completely new ideas, but to make improvements on old ones. Even innovative products like the I-Pod are merely amalgamations of previous ideas. The capability of Apple to envision these products is certainly noteworthy. Yet, to call them original would be a slap in the face to both Apple executives and former designers alike.</p>

<p>Originality is a fickle thing, and it is hard to come by in a world where so many ideas already exist.</p>

6

<p>

This is a good example of where little background is used. For his/her argument, no one needs to really know what the Gilgamesh epic is about, just that it was the first written narrative. There was no overproviding of background information. This terse background gave the writer proper time to analyze said example very well. </p>

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Good transitions. </p>

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What we see here is some going beyond. It is easy to argue that something like “Rosencratntz and Guildenstern are Dead” is not wholly original. But, this guy/gal had to prove the thesis (which was not qualified but instead absolute), and needed examples that people commonly viewed as original but in actuality are not. If you notice, the word “even” is used in each sentence. This indicates that the writer is going above and beyond simple evidence. </p>

<p>To the thesis, you may say it wasn’t qualified, but this is a case where it need not be. It can easily be argued that anything after the first man’s action was unoriginal (and event that action could have been gleamed from animals) because man thereafter has been influenced by predecessors. But, to effectively prove this thesis, you need to go to the extreme. That is why those “even…” sentences were so effective. If you have attitudes, cause-effect, pro/con type essays (anytime where you have doubt as to whether or not what you are arguing is always true), you should have a qualified thesis, though. </p>

<p>Overall, the essay was solid. Well written and good, relevant examples. I had trouble with the second body paragraph (U of C). But, if you want a paragraph to be bad, it would be the middle body paragraph.</p>