Could someone grade my ACT essay for me?

Prompt: As the amount of time students spend watching television increases, teachers debate whether television channels should be required to devote at least 20 percent of their programming to educational shows about topics such as science and history. Some teachers support this policy because they think television is an ideal teaching instrument with a very large and very receptive audience. Other teachers do not support this policy because they think what is considered educational by some could be considered merely entertaining by others. In your opinion, should television channels be required to devote at least 20 percent of their programming to educational shows?

In your essay, take a position on this question. You may write about either one of the two points of view given, or you may present a different point of view on this question. Use specific reasons and examples to support your position.

My Response:

With the growing influence of media and televised broadcasting, students find themselves in front of a television screen for extended periods of time each day. Knowing that students spend much of their time watching television, investing 20 percent of channel programming to educational shows will expand the knowledge of students and thus, expand the effect of education within the home.

When assessing if channels should be required to televise 20 percent of their programming as educational shows, the answer is obvious to see. For the greater expansion of our nation’s students’ knowledge, the next step would be to allow students to watch shows that can be education while entertaining. By devoting at least 20 percent of programming to educational shows, prospective students who wish to learn more will be able to “tune into” a channel with educational programming on. Those who do not wish to watch educational programming could watch a different channel. They do not lose the amount of televised entertainment they can watch in one day.

Though certain teachers may believe that educational shows may be considered educational by some and merely entertaining by others. There is no reason that educational shows cannot also be entertaining. Though not all students have a hobby of watching a documentary, a majority, if not all, will watch a show if it is entertaining, Rather than a dilemma, as these teachers believe, entertainment is the greatest mechanism by which channels can coax students to watch educational programming.

In addition to the increased opportunities of expanding students’ minds through making educational shows entertaining, from an economic standpoint, it would be advantageous for channel companies to “cash in” on shows that attract the attention of students though entertainment and the approval of parents and teachers through educational value. A show which combines the aspects of education and entertainment will excel in sales, as represented by the booming success of shows such as “Bill Nye: The Science Guy”, a program that has dominated the airwaves and the televisions of classrooms nationwide. Students watch shows like “Bill Nye” for its value of entertainment while teachers are allowed to buy DVDs of the show to play for their students on regular school days because of its simultaneous educational value. A combination of entertainment and education is the crux of “Bill Nye”'s success, and if channels are required to produce more shows like “Bill Nye”, then they will find themselves with more money and with compliments for teaching students well.

Other than the fact that students have the opportunity to expand their knowledge from educational shows, the combination of education and entertainment will allow companies to reach new economic highs from the endorsement of the American school system. It would be a folly to not devote at least 20 percent of programming to educational shows. Channel companies would be letting large profits fly away while also missing an opportunity to expand the educational system of America.

((I wrote the essay inside my book and then transferred all of my words onto this post. Thank you in advance for your help!!))

I would give it around a 22-24 (and mind you, on the new curve, that’s somewhere in the 70th to 80th percentile). Here are the reasons for my grade:

  1. Although you have a clear thesis, it is very general and is not solidified with 2 or 3 ways in which watching educational TV would be a benefit to kids These specific points will be the point sentences (or topic sentences, as others call them) for your body paragraphs.

  2. Try to convey your point succinctly in your topic sentence. I know it may seem hard, but that allows the reader to know what the writer will talk about throughout the paragraph.

  3. This is the biggest reason I would give you this score: Your 2nd body paragraph’s topic sentence is a sentence fragment – it’s not even a complete thought. Replacing the “though” with “however” and a following comma would make it a complete sentence.

  4. You place commas after quotations, when, in reality, they should come before the end quotes. Example: The short story “A Rose for Emily,” written by Faulkner, exemplifies…

  5. You also shift your argument in the end by saying that ultimately companies would benefit from this as well. You conclude with this thought, which strays from the prompt of the essay.

The scale is also different. Now it’s on a 12 pt scale, not 36 pt scale.