Could someone grade my essay?

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

Hello all. I have been practicing essay writing for a while now and am wondering if you could grade my essay for the following prompt. Thank you!!!

Prompt: Can self confidence cause carelessness and error?

Self-confidence can cause carelessness and error because it causes people to become myopic and arrogant. Examples, such as the lives of Victor Niedergoffer and Linda Wanchner and Adolf Hitler’s invasion of Russia all demonstrate the calamity hubris can cause.

Victor Niederhoffer is an extremely affluent and successful investor and trader. He graduated from Harvard University in 1964 and University of Chicago in 1969, where he received his PhD in statistics and economics. In 1965, while still in college, he co-founded a company called Niederhoffer with Frank Cross. Niederhoffer is an investment bank that sells privately held firms to public companies. His company met with great success, as evident in 1996 when Niederhoffer investments returned 35% a year and was ranked the number one hedge manager in the world by MAR. However, in 1997, Hiedergoffer Investments was not finding many opportunities for investments, so Victor made a bold move by deciding to buy Thai bank stocks. On October 27, 1997, losses resulting from this investment combined with a 554-point (7.2%) single day decline in the Dow Jones Industrial Average forced Victor out of his position. $35 million had been lost. Therefore, confidence leads to disastrous mistakes.

Linda Wancher is an American businesswoman who was the president and CEO of Warnaco Group Inc. from 1986 to 2001. She led a $55 million buyout of the company and took complete control. In 1993, Fortune Magazine named her “the roughest, toughest, most intimidating boss” . In 1996, she was reported as the highest-paid female corporate executive in the US. However, in 2000, Calvin Klein sued Warnco for trademark violations due to Linda’s aggressive actions. As a result, she was removed as CEO on June 11, 2001 for bankrupting the company. For this reason, confidence can be deadly.

Adolf Hitler was overambitious in thinking that he could conquer Russia during the winter in 1941, despite the fact that Napoleon had failed a century ago. He invaded Russia in June 22, 1941, breaking the non-aggression pact set forth between the two nations. Hitler faced insurmountable difficulties due to the harsh Russian winter.Out of the 600000 troops, only 20000 survived and made it back to Germany. Hence, hubris is fatal.

Self-confidence does, indeed, cause carelessness and error. As demonstrated by Victor Niederhoffer, Linda Wanche and Adolf Hitler, overconfidence creates a plight.

2

I would give it a 7. I like your examples, they’re very solid but may have a little too much summary and not enough analysis. Also, your introduction and conclusion are very abrupt, try developing the ideas a bit more. One more thing, try to use transition words and topic sentences between paragraphs - they can help it sound more fluid.

3

Is this the method from 10 days to a 12 essay? Regardless work on your grammar and also what fifteenpapers said

4

Your introduction is nearly there, but it still a bit too abrupt. It would best if you can add in one more sentence of elaboration that defines what it means to be myopic and arrogant. Do we tend to take success for granted, for instance? Or are we more inclined to gloss over any mistakes due to our self-confidence? Other than that, though, your introduction is a great way to start the essay, as it immediately lets the reader know what your stance is and what examples you will be using for your argument. Just one little punctuation error, though - there should be another comma after ‘Russia’.

Your content for your first example is fine - I personally like the use of a more modern example in the field of economics, which isn’t something you often see in SAT essays. However, though the content is fine, you don’t use it enough to justify your stance. More than half of the paragraph is devoted to giving background about Niederhoffer. Giving as little background is all fine and good, but when it begins to eclipse the parts of your content that you must use to sell your case, then it becomes a problem. It’d be best to cut and trim it such that it only takes up two sentences at most, and then write more sentences how Niederhoffer’s confidence ultimately led to his financial demise. Mention the fact, for instance, that Niederhoffer had too much confidence in himself that he thought that buying Thai bank stocks was surely the right decision, no matter what anyone told him otherwise. Your concluding sentence is also rather weak - “Thus, confidence leads to disastrous mistakes”. It would be more impressive if you can spice it up with greater diction and more elaboration to conclude your first example. For example: “It is Victor Niederhoffer’s excessive confidence that planted the seeds of his downfall, a fine example of how carelessness and errors can be direct ramifications of overbearing self-confidence.” Also, at one point, you say
‘Hiedergoffer’. Typo, I assume.

Your second example suffers the same problem as your first: Too much background information, too little emphasis on what actually matters. What’s worse is that it’s not even immediately obvious as to how Linda Wancher was being overly confident. ‘Aggressive’ does not immediately equal ‘confident’. You also do not spend enough focus on WHAT Wancher’s actions exactly were and HOW they communicate excessive confidence, and you only use one sentence to say what eventually happened to Wancher. Lastly, your concluding statement is, once again, rather weak. Your third example suffers the same examples - the brevity just doesn’t cut it to make for strong cases.

Your conclusion is also extremely lacking, which is cause for concern, as a strong, satisfying conclusion is extremely important to ending an essay on a high note. All you do is repeat your stance in the simplest words possible and mention, once again, the examples you use. What readers want to see more of is some powerful words that not only summarize what you wrote about, but also reiterate, one last, grand time, how your argument is something completely credible, to the point where someone who doesn’t agree with you is forced to say, “Yeah, (s)he’s got a point there.” Remember that your conclusion is your last opportunity to really drive your point into the reader and secure that 10 or higher. How are you going to do that with just two simple sentences?

7/12 from me. Spend more time on the actual content that matters to your argument, as well as beefing up your introduction and conclusion, and you’ll see your scores shoot up in no time.

Disclaimer:
This is my personal opinion and my projected score may not accurately reflect the real scores given by the actual SAT essay graders. My opinion is independent of that of PaulAcademy International.