Could Someone Grade My Practice SAT Essay (5)?

<p>I would really appreciate it if someone could grade this SAT practice essay that I wrote yesterday and provide feedback. Thank you in advance!</p>

<p>[Note: I screwed up the plot of Romeo & Juliet quite a bit :o.)</p>

<p>Prompt: Can knowledge be a burden rather than a benefit?</p>

<p>Knowledge is power. The more one knows, the better his or her judgment will be. Knowledge is always beneficial, and many examples from history and literature prove this point.</p>

<p>One example that demonstrates how beneficial knowledge can be as well as how devastating lack of it can be is Shakespeare’s tragic play, Romeo & Juliet. In Romeo & Juliet, the Capulet and Montague families in Italy have a ferocious feud that dates back many generations. However, Romeo Montague and Juliet Capulet have fallen in love with each other, and seeking help, they go to Father Lawrence for aid. Father Lawrence instructs Juliet to imbibe a special potion that will make her appear to be dead for 24 hours. The plan is that the Capulets would mourn Juliet and place her in a crypt where Romeo could come to pick her up. However, Romeo is ignorant of this plan due to a misunderstanding, and when he arrives at the crypt he truly believes his love is dead, and he commits suicide by drinking poison. When Juliet awakens to find Romeo dead beside her, she is devastated and runs a dagger through her heart. This tragedy could have been avoided if Romeo had had knowledge of Father Lawrence’s plan.</p>

<p>In war, knowledge is a precious commodity. In the Pacific theater of WWII, American and Japanese codebreakers were at odds with one another, and they were constantly breaking each other’s codes. However, near the middle of WWII, the US developed a new code system based on the Navajo language, which was completely alien to the Japanese. Navajos were employed by the US Navy and Marines to become Code-Talkers, who would send messages to officers using their new code. Japanese codebreakers were never able to figure out how to crack the Navajo code, but the Americans continued to be able to crack Japanese codes and thereby continue to obtain invaluable information about Japanese maneuvers. Thus, as the war dragged on, the US developed a massive advantage in military intelligence. This shows how beneficial knowledge can be and how lack of knowledge can be devastating.</p>

<p>A third example that demonstrates the value of knowledge can be found in the Cuban Missile Crisis. In 1962, President John F. Kennedy discovered from U-2 spy plane photographs that the USSR was installing nuclear missile silos on the island country of Cuba, located just 90 miles from Florida. The Soviets were preparing to deliver nuclear missiles to Cuba later on so that they could use Cuba as an offensive stepping stone to the US in case war ever broke out between the two nuclear powers. Armed with knowledge of the Soviets’ plans for Cuba, Kennedy confronted Soviet premier Nikita Khrushchev and demanded that Khrushchev order a halt on the installation of nuclear missiles on Cuba. Had Kennedy not known that the Soviets were going to erect a base on Cuba, the Soviets would have succeeded in constructing their nuclear launch point, which would have given the Soviets an advantage and possibly elevated the Cold War into a nuclear war.</p>

<p>As demonstrated by pervasive historical & literary evidence, knowledge is an invaluable benefit.</p>

<p>I think this is quite good. I would be surprised if it did not score an 11 or 12 on the real thing.</p>

<p>I have just a few minor suggestions:
You might spell out twenty-four, rather than using the numerals.
You might put the events in the paragraph on Romeo and Juliet into the past tense. The present tense is acceptable, but I think that past tense might read a little better.
In the next-to-last paragraph, it would be better to use “escalated” rather than “elevated” in the final sentence.
You might think about springing for a two-sentence conclusion, rather than just one sentence.</p>

<p>This essay is a three. From the standpoint of mechanics, it’s too strong to be a two. However, the insight is insufficient to reach the level of an upper-half paper. On no essay is your job to recite a bunch of facts. The stuff in bold is insight. The underlined material is fact. The ratio needs to be reversed.</p>

<p>One example that demonstrates how beneficial knowledge can be as well as how devastating lack of it can be is Shakespeare’s tragic play, Romeo & Juliet. In Romeo & Juliet, the Capulet and Montague families in Italy have a ferocious feud that dates back many generations. However, Romeo Montague and Juliet Capulet have fallen in love with each other, and seeking help, they go to Father Lawrence for aid. Father Lawrence instructs Juliet to imbibe a special potion that will make her appear to be dead for 24 hours. The plan is that the Capulets would mourn Juliet and place her in a crypt where Romeo could come to pick her up. However, Romeo is ignorant of this plan due to a misunderstanding, and when he arrives at the crypt he truly believes his love is dead, and he commits suicide by drinking poison. When Juliet awakens to find Romeo dead beside her, she is devastated and runs a dagger through her heart. This tragedy could have been avoided if Romeo had had knowledge of Father Lawrence’s plan.</p>

<p>The same is true of the other paragraphs.</p>

<p>What I’m telling you is that you write quite well but you don’t say much that I don’t already know.</p>