Could someone please grade this SAT Essay? Could you also add examples you would use?

<p>Topic: What is one great injustice in the world and how can it be addressed? </p>

<p>The world today is filled with crimes and wrongdoings. But to me, violence against women, racial discrimination or even juvenile delinquency are not the worst of problems. I believe that the greatest injustice the world faces in the difference in the financial and social well-being of people across countries. This can be elucidated with an example of a child from Nigeria and one from the USA. </p>

<p>Chimamanda is a young girl who lives in the university town of Abuja, Nigeria. She recently lost her father, so her family runs on the low income of her university-professor mother. While they are not considered “poor”, they do not have enough money to buy some basic necessities like soap, a geyser to heat water, or even petrol for their car. Chimamanda goes to school everyday, but often teachers are missing and her education is rather interrupted. On the other side of the world, in Colorado, USA, lives Peter. His father is a teacher at the local school, and his mother a home-owner. While their societal position is similar to that of Chimamanda’s family’s, they have more than enough money to ensure electricity and running water. They can afford to take vacations, and Peter’s schooling is of the highest quality. </p>

<p>This brings us back to why the greatest injustice in the world is the disparity in the lives of people in different countries. Every person has a right to food, shelter and clothing, and on a higher level, to education, medical facilities and monetary support. In the above example, while both Chimamanda and Peter deserve these things, only Peter has access to them. </p>

<p>The only way to solve this problem of inequality is to form impartial unions of countries which vow to help each other and bring each other up to the same level. While the World Bank and the World Trade Organisation were formed with these objectives in mind, they are unfortunately dominated by first-world countries that seek to promote their individual well-being rather than societal good. The focus must be shifted to helping poorer nations instead. </p>

<p>By improving the economic condition of a country, the facilities it can provide are automatically improved. And when citizens have access to better facilities, they lead better lives. Hence, this major injustice of disparity in the well-being of people across the world is an issue that is solvable, if only we put our minds to it.</p>

<p>I’m not an expert at grading and just came on this forum to check out my college sub-forum, but since I saw this thread with zero replies, I decided to give it a quick read. Personally, I disagree entirely with your main thesis, but putting aside my subjective feelings, this is a good essay. I guess it would garner around a 10 out of 12. Your essay revolves around one example (which is fine) but you can’t simply say that “every person has a right to food , shelter, and even medical facilities and education.” What’s a right? How would you define a right? With this in mind, you might be able to provide a logical proof as to why people have a right to these various things (even though I think it’s absurd to say people have a right to monetary support). The World Food Bank is a great solution for temporary problems but third-world countries often become dependent on this reserve and fail to create any substantive methods to fend for themselves in the future. They become reliant on handouts (similar to some problems in America today). Anyways, putting aside my partial conservative bias, your essay is reinforced by a solution to the problem and your word choice/grammatical soundness is generally very good.</p>

<p>Thanks a lot. :slight_smile:
Just a small detail. Would you mind adding any examples you would use so that I can build up my repertoire? Thanks!</p>