could someone rate my sat essays, i'll put two up everyday , score on a scale of 1-6

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
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could someone rate this essay on a scale of 1-6 ?

Prompt:
“The price of greatness is responsibility.”
Winston Churchill
Assignment:
Do we expect too much from our public figures? Plan your response, and then write an essay… essay- We always tend to expect a lot from basically everything in our lives this also includes our leaders the people we select to represent us on both the national and the global stage. But do we always have realistic expectations of them ? or do we expect progress to come hand in hand with the selection of a political leader . This was illustrated in the last recession in 2009
The year 2009 is infamous in wall street because of the major stock dumping with took place weeks before the recession with led to the fall of stocks. This led to massive socio-economic problems with many people losing their jobs and eventual going bankrupt with no source of income, this put a massive pressure on the Obama government , to “fix” this and it was “their” fault , but the government had no part in it but still was working as hard as possible to lessen the blow the recession had on the lives of ordinary joes. The government is not responsible for Everything that happens in a country and therefore it is wrong of us to expect them to fix something they did not cause
During the first world war , Winston Churchill the greatest war leader ever know was the lord of admilarity , in charge of all the naval operations of the united kingdom. Trench warfare was a completely new thing which came to light in the first world war , which eventually led the war to a stalemate in which the troops of various countries just waited in the trenches for the enemy troops to come to them . Winston Churchill came up with an idea which could finally lead the united kingdom to its victory and put an end to the stalemate , this was to move half the British navy through the heavily guarded coast of Gallipoli and move to rear end of the German trenches but this did not work out the way it was supposed to with thousands of people losing their lives and the loss of many British ships , after this failure the people lost hope in Churchill and eventually ostracised him from the British government and politics . This played a cardinal role in this life
Winston Churchill came out again during the second world war and convinced the people that they risks are what win wars and he was the right leader for them , he came into power and led Britain through one of its darkest times and ultimately came out victorious in the war. Churchill lived up to his expectations but could not do the same 30 years before that when he was under immense pressure from the people to end the war once and for all. We need to expect realistically and not be whimsical about what a nation needs. Political leaders have a bad image in society as being cheats liars and thieves but this is just a perception of some of them not all.
A country cannot become great in a day , it took 200 years for india to get its freedom, it took the united states more than 200 years and dedicated lawmakers and politicians to become a global superpower . As kennedy once said “ ask not what a country can do for you but what you can do for your country “ is true in this scenario as well, in which we need to have realistic goals and a whole country and play a defining role in reaching that goal, by working together and not just putting our hope on 600 people to run a country of one billion people.

Suggestions open and tell me where i can improve further ???

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Run this through a spellchecker and look how many error markings pop up.

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no errors though i checked

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Haaaaa… There’s no way you checked. A spellchecker would certainly catch the fact that you didn’t capitalize Kennedy, if not the run-ons and how you seem to think “which” is spelled “with.”

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Isn’t it spelled “admiralty?”

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ok seriosuly its not the small mistakes that actually have a huge effect on my score , so just score it on the basis of the writing

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Like 2? Dude, they’re not small mistakes.

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There are a lot more than two mistakes in this essay, ranging from spelling to capitalization to run-ons to comma splices. Those can indeed bring down your score.

In terms of your examples and argument alone, your first example is good, but I’m a little lost after reading your second example about Churchill. It seems to go a bit off-topic as well, so I’d remove a few things, and emphasize more what happens when we expect too much.

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ok well thanks i’ll put up another essay tomorrow

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Prompt:
“What man calls civilization always results in deserts. Man is never on the square – he uses up the fat and greenery of the earth. Each generation wastes a little more of the future with greed and lust for riches.”Don Marquis

Assignment:
With our modern awareness of ecology are we likely to make sufficient progress in conservation, or are we still in danger of damaging the earth beyond repair? Plan your response, and then write an essay…

ESSAY
Mankind has always been on the forefront of technology and innovation, but everything in life comes at a cost, and this technology which has taken over each and every aspect of our lives comes at the cost of our ecology, which has taken the brunt of our development and innovation. Our hunger for more and more of basically everything has caused serious damage to the surrounding environment.
Mahatma Gandhi once said “the earth has enough for a man’s needs but not for a man’s greed”. This insatiable hunger for more caused one of the worst ecological disasters of the 21st century when an oil rig owned by the BP Company caused an oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, spewing more than eight hundred million gallons of crude oil into the ocean. This oil spill caused massive damage to the surrounding marine life , causing a lot of birds to ‘drown’ in this oil as it got stuck to their feathers and prevented them from flying. The effects of this oil spill were far spread and are still present today. This shows us what kind of damage we are capable of when our greed for more takes over the rational side of us , which caused us to set up a deep sea oil rig and then do a shoddy job cleaning up the mess we made ourselves. We are more aware of our surrounding then we ever were in the past 3000 years but what have we done with this information to change our ways and better ourselves? Humans have always tried to exploit everything to the maximum when given the opportunity.
The Amazonian forests also known as the “powerhouse of evolution” has been cut down to one-thirds of its original size due to the lumber industry set up there which has both poisoned the Amazon river and has caused thousands of species of birds, animals and insects to go extinct. This lumber industry has been fuelled by our need for lumber products. Global warming has been a phenomenon over the last 50 years, everyone knows about it and how to prevent it from further damaging the earth, but how many people have taken a step towards environmental conservation and prevention of further damage to a fragile ecosystem we call earth? This is where the most basic flaws of the human nature is showcased, ignorance, which will eventually lead to the destruction and death of the human race.
We have always been ignorant to the small things in life but when the future of the entire planet is depends on us we still continue to be ignorant. As it was once said “the earth is not a gift from our parents but is a loan from our children”, this tells us that we need to save the earth from approaching deserts and melting icecaps so that we can return the earth to its former glory before the next generations of humans start to live their lives on this planet. One single person cannot stop the approaching destruction of the earth we need to, as a species work towards it together.
As they say it’s never too late, with technology at our fingertips we can make this planet a better place for our children .We need to get up from our slumber and work towards conserving our environment and prevent further destruction at any cost , as without this planet , humans cannot survive .

so is the essay long enough? and this time NO errors

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only one mistake is “fueled” thats it

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someone rate it ?

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Mankind has always been on the forefront of technology and innovation, but everything in life comes at a cost, and this technology which has taken over each and every aspect of our lives comes at the cost of our ecology, which has taken the brunt of our development and innovation.
^ This is a long-a** sentence. Break it up: “Mankind has always been on the forefront of technology and innovation, but everything in life comes at a cost. This technology, which has taken over each and every aspect of our lives, comes at the cost of our ecology, which has taken the brunt of our development and innovation.”

basically everything
^ Juvenile-sounding phrase.

Mahatma Gandhi once said “the earth has enough for a man’s needs but not for a man’s greed”.
^ *Mahatma Gandhi once said, “The Earth has enough for a man’s needs but not for a man’s greed.”
(That comma is important when introducing dialogue. Capitalizing the first letter of a quote happens when it’s not integrated into the sentence – like here, because you’re using a dialogue tag. Earth is capitalized when you mean the planet. In America, we put punctuation inside quotation marks.)

surrounding marine life , causing a lot
^ The first instance of your floating comma. Punctuation needs to be attached to words, like this.

to ‘drown’ in this oil
^ Why the quotation marks?

were far spread
^ *were widespread

rational side of us , which caused
^ Floating comma.

We are more aware of our surrounding then we ever were
^ *surroundings
*than

in the past 3000 years but what have we done
^ *years, but

The Amazonian forests also known as the “powerhouse of evolution” has been cut down to one-thirds of its original size due to the lumber industry set up there which has both poisoned the Amazon river and has caused thousands of species of birds, animals and insects to go extinct.
^ Long-a** sentence.

  • forests, also known
  • evolution,"
    *have been cut down
    *their original size
    Make sure you’re intentionally making the choice not to use the Oxford comma, not just ignoring it.

Global warming has been a phenomenon over the last 50 years, everyone knows about it and how to prevent it from further damaging the earth, but how many people have taken a step towards environmental conservation and prevention of further damage to a fragile ecosystem we call earth?
^ Words under 100 are spelled out: *fifty
Run-on sentence.
*Earth

This is where the most basic flaws of the human nature is showcased, ignorance, which will eventually lead to the destruction and death of the human race.
^ *flaw
*showcased: ignorance

As it was once said “the earth is not a gift from our parents but is a loan from our children”,
^ * said,

  • "The
  • Earth
  • children,"

As it was once said “the earth is not a gift from our parents but is a loan from our children”, this tells us that we need to save the earth from approaching deserts and melting icecaps so that we can return the earth to its former glory before the next generations of humans start to live their lives on this planet.
^ Run-on.
*Earth
The next generation of humans already do live their lives on this planet. Kids are alive.

One single person cannot stop the approaching destruction of the earth we need to, as a species work towards it together.
^ Run-on.

As they say it’s never too late, with technology at our fingertips we can make this planet a better place for our children .
^ Run-on, floating period.

cost , as without this planet , humans cannot survive .
^ Two floating commas and one floating period.

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thanks for the help

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and in British English ,commas are put after the quotation marks

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what marks do i get ?

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There’s more mistakes than just the ‘fuelled’ mistake, though as a whole your second essay has improved leaps and bounds compared to the first.

Your introduction does a good job of establishing your argument on the question, and is substantiated with just the right amount of elaboration. However, the first sentence is much too long - you may wish to replace some of those commas with periods. For instance, reading the sentence will go much more smoothly if you write: ‘Mankind has always been on the forefront of technology and innovation, but everything in life comes at a cost. This technology has taken over each and every aspect of our lives comes at the cost of our ecology, which has taken the brunt of our development and innovation.’ Appropriate use of the period, as you can see, gives the reader a much easier time reading your essay. Other than that, I’d also like to point out that it usually is a good idea to state the examples you will use in support of your argument - in your case, BP oil spill and the Amazon rain forests. Remember that an introduction does just that - it INTRODUCES the reader to what to expect from the essay.

Excellent use of the the BP oil spill in your first example, as it perfectly answers the question on damage to ecology. As bodangles has mentioned, floating commas are a big problem, and should be avoided in the actual SATs. As previously pointed out, ‘surrounding’ should be plural as there can be more than one when it comes to ‘our’, and you should use ‘than’ when making a comparison, rather than ‘then’.

With regards to your second example… Once again the starting sentence is much too long. Commas and periods are your friends here. Adding a comma after ‘forests’ and another one after ‘evolution’ will make for smoother reading, as shown here: ‘The Amazonian forests, also known as the “powerhouse of evolution”, has been cut down to one-thirds of its original size…’ Break thr sentence into two, maybe three, and you’ll have paragraph that’s much easier to read. Also, you confused yourself and caused a subject-verb disagreement: The subject, ‘Amazonian forests’, is plural, but you used a singular verb ‘has’. Fix that to ‘have’, and fix ‘its’ to ‘theirs’, as you must use the correct plural pronoun, too. ‘everyone knows… damaging the earth’ is a sentence fragment - it just suddenly pops up, and seems very awkwardly out of place without a conjunction or a period. It would be best to let it be another sentence: ‘Everyone knows…’. Don’t forget that Earth is captialized, unless you happen to refer to soil, which you are not doing in this case. Other than these mistakes (and the other invaluable fixes that bodangles has made for you), I have a bit of issue with the accuracy of your content. You write that deforestation has caused ‘thousands of species of birds, animals and insects to go extinct’, but I believe there were few actual extinctions, if any. Perhaps you meant a large decrease in numbers? Either way, remember that it is always best to stick close to the facts in the real SATs.

I’m going to treat your final two paragraphs as one.

-We have always been ignorant to the small things in life but when the future of the entire planet is depends on us we still continue to be ignorant. -> What’s up with the ‘is depends’? I think you meant ‘dependent’. It would also be a good idea to put a comma after ‘us’.

-As it was once said “the earth is not a gift from our parents but is a loan from our children”, this tells us that we need to save the earth from approaching deserts and melting icecaps so that we can return the earth to its former glory before the next generations of humans start to live their lives on this planet -> Captialize ‘earth’. Put a period before ‘this’ instead of a comma. Sentence is too long. Finally, ‘live their lives’ is redundant - ‘live’ will do.

-One single person cannot stop the approaching destruction of the earth we need to, as a species work towards it together. -> This sentence really confused me, and a confused marker is never a good marker. Put a dash before ‘we need’ and a comma after ‘work’. Now it looks like this: ‘One single person cannot stop the approaching destruction of the Earth - we need to, as a species, work towards it together.’ There! Much better!

-As they say it’s never too late, with technology at our fingertips we can make this planet a better place for our children -> Setence fragment. Sentence fragments everywhere. Try replacing the comma with a dash, and using a comma after ‘fingertips’.

Now, as for the actual content of the concluding paragraph… I thought it was a bit weak. Remember that a conclusion provides a concise way of summing up everything you have in your essay to deliver your argument, one more time, in a powerful way that sticks with the reader. Concise your conclusion is not - the last paragraph basically seems to reiterate what you wrote in your penultimate paragraph with weaker word choices, resulting in a weaker impression. If I were you, I would actually consider deleting the whole of the last paragraph. It would also help if you could refer to the two examples you’ used in short, effective sentence, such as: ‘As the BP oil spill and the deforestation of the Amazonian rain forest demonstrate…’ This allows the reader to more clearly evaluate how your examples tie into the final message of your essay.

8/12. Thought your examples were good, the sheer number of long sentences make it a difficult read, and there are some grammar mistakes you’ll have to rectify as well. Work on a stronger conclusion, too, and I’m sure your essays will improve in no time.

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thanks a lot, i’ll write one today and post it

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OP, just letting you know that SAT’s are not British. It’s American English so follow American grammar.

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Disclaimer:
This is my personal opinion and my projected score may not accurately reflect the real scores given by the actual SAT essay graders. My opinion is independent of that of PaulAcademy International.