Could Someone review my common app rough draft?

College Essays
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<p>My essays is about 722 words long. Could someone check for grammatical erros and tell me what things I should take out to fit within the 500 word requirement? If your wiling to review my essay let me know? Thank you.</p>

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<p>PM me if you want an adult’s perspective.</p>

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<p>I sent you my essay through an email message.</p>

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<p>I have not read your essay but 2 universal pieces of advice:

  1. don’t talk too big… The readers have read enough on how you would like to fight world hunger, end aids, stop global warming, war and the list goes on… Write something personal, something that matters too you… They want to know about you and they will enjoy reading your essay</p>

<p>2) dont put too many incidents and points under one roof… It will look like a bio not an essay.!!</p>

<p>If you want me to read your essay feel free to send it to agastya.sinha@**********</p>

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<p>Oh they respect privacy just pm me on cc mail and best of luck! I am also applying this year</p>

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<p>Thanks man. Im sending you my essay right now.</p>

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<p>Loved your essay! Its very true to heart and speaks about you</p>

<p>Just want to point out few things I thought could be better

  1. since you wanted to reduce your words try substituting words for example:
    Has given me the motive to => has motivated me
    Get the drift?</p>

<p>2) revise the first sentence of the essay it somehows seems a wee bit jumbled</p>

<p>3)And change I silently wished to I silently yearned. I know its a slight difference but I find the latter more appealing since you almost always ‘silently wish’ for something. Otherwise you can just write I wished.</p>

<p>4) Its not necessary to end with a quote although a right quote can add a perfect finishing touch. The quote you vouched for looks forced in as it does not complement your essay which basically deals about fighting for righteousness and not about never say die or never giving up. Although the latter is reflected but only in negligible traces</p>

<p>Otherwise a very well written essay. Enjoyed reading it.</p>

<p>Please write back if you have anything to ask or say :slight_smile:
Best of luck</p>

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<p>He sent his essay to my email dwang</p>