Prompt: Can acting in one’s own self interest make the world a better place?
Avaricious acts generally do not make the world a better place, to the contrary, selfishness results almost always in corruption, destruction, and unhappiness. Several examples from literary works delineate the greed-driven downward spiral of an individual’s society.
For example, in Orwell’s Animal Farm, the degeneration of Animal Farm is brought about by the seizing of power by the intellectually superior pigs, namely Napoleon. Napoleon, compared to the eloquent and verbose Snowball, is reticent and militaristic. He drives Snowball away through the use of trained savage dogs in order to claim the accolade for the construction of the windmill. This continuing self-gratification in the book and the debasement of all the other animals on the farm in the face of the pig elite’s oppression clearly depict the dangerous pitfalls of greed; an entire community is split into the have's and have not's, with the majority living indigently. Even the hardworking and loyal Boxer is cruelly repaid for his blood and tears by being sent to be processed into glue. Thus, Napoleon’s greed acts as his and the farm’s fatal flaw as his selfish desires demand the tearing down of others for the raising of himself.
Similar to Napoleon’s actions, Lady Ashely Brett’s self-centered whims in Hemingway’s The Sun Also Rises depict the heartbreak and sorrow that can arise from cupidity. Unlike Napoleon’s greed for money, power, and alcohol, Brett desires romance. She’s beautiful, intelligent, witty, rich—yet her life is empty. Her desires are easily met, but nothing is able to fill the void. This cupidity leads to tension and contention during her vacation with four others to the bull-fight fiesta in Pamplona. She falls in lust with a nineteen year old bull-fighter, and Jake, who loves her, destroys himself emotionally in order to help her fulfill her desires. A fight later breaks out between the various men she’s involved with, and it leaves the group of “friends” in a state of acrimony and distrust. Her greed drives Cohn, former boxer, to brutally attack Brett’s bullfighter, completely out of character for the deferential Jew. In the aftermath of this, Cohn is left in his room, lachrymose and without a friend in the world. Brett’s cupidity acts as the destructive catalyst that shatters any chance at happiness she had—her miserable cycle of discontent is perpetuated by her own lack of control.
Through the analysis of the actions of Napoleon from Animal Farm and Brett from The Sun Also Rises, the horrible effects of greed, of various types, are exemplified. If one acts for oneself, then the logical upshot of such actions is a detraction from others and a subsequent self-infliction—greediness is a sharp sword that cuts both ways.
Organization: 5 Good job with the transitions. For a 6, you’d need 5 paragraphs.
Thesis:4. You need to make it clearer and more direct. For a 6, you also need to state a reason for your statement.
Supporting Details: 5. Very well written. To strengthen your argument, you’ll need to directly tie the example back to the thesis at the end of each body paragraph. Repeat words or near synonyms such as “self interest.” This draws the reader’s mind back to the thesis. You did this well for the first example, but not so much for the second.
Grammar: 5
Diction: 6
Overall a 10/12.
@Woandering Thank you for responding! For a revised thesis that’s more direct and supported would this be sufficient: “Avaricious acts generally do not make the world a better place because the focus of such acts inherently result, at least overall, in the injury of others because they are treated as less important than the self-serving individual.”? Then the second part of my first sentence could then be made a sentence by itself?
Again, thank you very much for your comments/constructive criticism.
You’ve definitely improved, but now that thesis is long and complicated. Make sure there is only one “because.” In fact, I think it’s easier to rearrange your original thesis. “Because selfishness results in corruption…, avaricious acts do not make the world a better place.” A lot of the time, you just need to communicate your idea clearly, flowing from reason to the (obvious) statement.
More advice: For the intro, you want your thesis to be the last (or 2nd to last, if you really want that forecast sentence) sentence in your intro. Use a hook if possible. I always use the counter-argument hook because it’s easy to use for every situation.
So example: Libertarians (or use Many people, if you don’t know who argues the other way) generally argue that self interest drives the economy and helps make the world a better place. This is understandable (this is always a nice touch to show your own understanding), considering the abundance of literature regarding capitalism. However, this is not true. Because selfishness results in corruption…, acaricious acts do not make the world a better place. (And personally, I would stop here, but if you really wanted to, you could go on to say) Several examples from literary works delineate the greed-driven downward spiral of an individual’s society.
So that’s a longer and structurally better introduction.
@Woandering Thanks, my introductions have a bad habit of being discursive so I try to cut them as short as possible, but the example structure you just wrote is quite helpful! I’ve seen other people advising that you make your intros 1-2 sentences long, but would you recommend having a full-fledged paragraph? It’s definitely more substantial, but I’m also worried about space since my handwriting becomes excessively spaced out, especially when I’m writing quickly.
I’ve always used that structure in a 5 paragraph essay, and yes there was one period when I kept running out of space. The thing is the conclusion should be short and the analysis does not need to be long. You cannot guarantee a long analysis for every topic, but you can guarantee a long intro. You want to guarantee an essay score of 10, not get there by chance.
That said, analysis does need to be clear and logical with a suitable ending.
@Woandering Ah, that’s makes a lot of sense. Really thank you so much!