Could someone score/critique my practice SAT essay?

Prompt: Should people take more responsibility for solving problems that affect their communities or the nation in general?

Some people believe that one should only worry about their own problems, with the justification that the problems of the world have no direct affect on them. Content with this they bury their heads in the sand and go on living their lives. However, living in such a closed minded way, they fail to realize that their inaction can negatively impact themselves—as citizens of the world, the world’s problems apply to them. People should take more responsibility for solving world problems because the avoidance of these problems can and most likely will affect them. Several literary examples illustrate this.
An example of this is shown in Miller’s The Crucible, which follows the life of John Proctor during the Salem Witch Trials. John, at the outset of mendacious panic, is content with merely ignoring it since it had no affect on his way of life. He was erroneously misguided, though. By ignoring the problem in its nascent stage, he unknowingly caused his own death, as he is later accused of witchcraft himself. By then it’s too late for him to change anything and he is hanged for his alleged “crime.” Thus, John’s avoidance of responsibility for a problem in his society ultimately lead to his own death.
Another example is found in Ishida Sui’s “A Masked Tragedy,” a fictional novel surrounding the struggles of Kaneki following his half-transformation into a human eating ghoul. The world Kaneki lives in is plagued by these ghouls, and the government has instituted the massacre of these ghouls, despite their myriad of similarities to humans because of the problem of their food source. Kaneki decides to take up the responsibility of correcting this “wrong world” because he’s the only one who has a dual perspective of the matter, being half-human and half-ghoul. Therefore, the importance of taking on the responsibility of one’s world is shown.
Through the analysis of these literary works, it’s clear that the avoidance of one’s responsibility to world problems can negatively impact oneself.

Happy to give you advice. I’ll just give you the line numbers and the things I see could be fixed in them.

-In line #2 "Content with this, they bury… (ad a comma)

-In line #3 “…go on living their lives; however, while living…” (use a semicolon and ad ‘while’)

-In line #4 “…impact themselves. As citizens of the world…” (use a period. It’s generally best to avoid dashes when writing professional essays)

-In line #7 (put The Crucible in quotations)

-In line #9 “He was erroneously misguided.” (avoid prepositional words at the ends of sentences)

-In line #10 “By then, it’s too…” (use a comma)

-In line #11 “…for him to change anything, and he is hanged…” (use a comma)

This essay was well worded and put together, though it had a few grammatical errors. Next time, try shooting for five paragraphs with three parts of the body, as that is what the scorers generally prefer. Also, I would ad a bit more to a concluding paragraph. Overall, your essay was decent. I think it would earn something around a four. :slight_smile:

Agree with the above grammar corrections, except for the “while” and replacing the dash. One more thing: you cannot use contractions like “it’s” vs “it is,” Contractions are too informal.

I would give a slightly higher score for the strong thesis/intro and fairly strong supporting examples. Scorers don’t notice the smaller grammar mistakes when they read through quickly, so you just need to make sure it reads through well; nothing obvious.

Also, try for at least two sentences in the conclusion, although one sentence is enough for some readers. You want to make sure it’s an actual paragraph, and two sentences will make it seem more like a solid concluding paragraph.

How long is this on paper? Does it fill both SAT essay pages?

@nfkrieg‌ Thank you for taking the time to make those suggestions!

@Woandering‌ Yes, it filled both pages.