Prompt: Is most of what people buy totally unnecessary?
Many human magpies justify their endless buying of trivial objects and hording of said objects by arguing that each purchase was a necessity. This is argument is fallacious. Most of what people buy is inarguably unnecessary because they typically buy objects in order to satisfy their vain fancies. Several examples of this are illustrated in literature.
This unnecessary purchasing is demonstrated in James’s Daisy Miller, which follows Daisy Miller’s excessive and improprietous tendencies in conservative European society. Daisy is never found unfashionably dressed in the novel. She’s perpetually preceded by a heavy rustling or flouncing of ruffles. She even felt the need to buy an over sized umbrella in order to walk in a shaded garden. These objects have no value paralleling her lack of values. Daisy clearly demonstrates the prominence of people buying unnecessary objects to fulfill their inane vanities.
Another example is found in the extravagent life of Yuan Ming. He was the young ruler of Xiaoli Province, renowned for its prolific silk production. This economic practice brought in a surfeit of wealth, mostly concentrated in the hands of Yuan. He was an epicure and mostly the revenue from the silk went toward the purchase of exotic valuables, easily accessible through the Weizhou River in close proximity to Xiaoli. When he passed on, 3 rooms of his gilded abode were found full of lost treasures. Gold, rubies, glittering chalices and the like, however, have no practical value. Thus, Yuan Ming squandered the hard work of his people on useless objects to satisfy his material desires.
Through the analysis of these people, Daisy and Yuan, the trend of unnecessary purchasing to fulfill vanity is illustrated.
Thanks in advance!
I think its good but do you think you can use active tense more?
Through the analysis of these people, Daisy and Yuan, the trend of unnecessary purchasing to fulfill vanity is illustrated.
This sentence is not a complete conclusion. That’s only a statement of what you wrote in the essay. In addition, you should restate the thesis in a broader way. For example, “Through the examples of Daisy Miller and Yuan Ming, the acquisition of frivolous stuff does not hold potential value and only serves to waste money.”
The comparison of human beings to magpies is overly harsh. Right from the get-go, the reader senses that you may be a bit of a misanthrope. That kind of negativity is not what you want to convey, unless you can back it up with a powerful argument. You’re trying to be colorful and descriptive, but really, it comes across as cruel.
You also say that most of what people buy is “inarguably” unnecessary. You mean the issue is not even up for debate? And “vain”? You don’t know that. You don’t know the thousands of reasons why millions of people buy things.
Strong words (magpies, endless, trivial, fallacious, inarguably, vain, perpetually, no value, inane vanities, useless objects) push your argument toward the extreme. The more extreme your position, the more convincing you need to be with your examples. When I read your two examples, I’m not convinced of your premise. Two examples rarely make for a “trend” toward one end of the spectrum.
Tone down your premise in the first paragraph. Identify exaggerations in your language. Think about what you actually know. Look at how your two examples relate to the prompt and what the examples actually prove.
@punctiliouseye Thank you for responding! I could definitely try to use active tense more but for some reason I have a propensity to slip into passive voice 
I ran out of time so that’s all I got for my “conclusion.” Although I agree it’s not much of a conclusion. Also do you think you could give me a numerical score? (x/6 or x/12?)
@Dunboyne Thank you for your critique! I didn’t realize that that comparison would be too harsh—my dad compares me and my mother to magpies all the time so I guess I became inured to it. But I’ll be sure to remember that so I don’t make the same mistake! And reading over my intro again I see what you mean—I inflated my argument too much but I didn’t have the evidence to substantiate. If I had been more organized I probably would have created a thesis that more directly links to my examples, like shifting the focus from “people” to people with an excess of money like Daisy and Yuan, so “Because people who possess an abundance of wealth already easily meet their most basic needs, most of what they buy is unnecessary and only meant to satisfy their vain fancies.” Could you also give me a numerical score?
@Nothings Nicely done. Regarding the magpies, yes, be careful with how others are likely to interpret what you write. lol
“Because people who possess an abundance of wealth already easily meet their most basic needs, most of what they buy is unnecessary and only meant to satisfy their vain fancies.”
You get the idea, but are you sure that “most” of what they buy is unnecessary? It’s very difficult to establish that, even for the purposes of an essay. And the word "only " makes you sound too certain about their motives. Take a position, by all means – an essay demands it – just avoid language that polarizes the argument. It’s very hard to substantiate “extreme” thinking with any word count, let alone 300.
@Dunboyne Alright, thank you very much!