<p>I’ve edited it some, with comments in [brackets]. I’m not always sure that I understood what you were trying to say. </p>
<p>Most generally, I’m not sure you completely addressed the question: even if everyone can contribute (and even if we ignore the fact that what some people think is a contribution might seem to others not to be), does that mean that we can solve the problems we have come to rely on government to solve for us? Or that we should? We can all work on volunteer housing projects, for instance, but it’s hard to come up with the money to ensure that we have land on which to build homes for people who can’t afford to buy houses already on the market. Many of us have the skills to go out and teach, but a lot of us do not have enough money that we can afford to spend much time teaching or travel far from our homes in order to teach. And what if some of us donate clothes to people who need them, but we don’t collect enough clothes to meet the needs of people who need the donations?</p>
<p>I think that part of your argument (from the “ignorant old people” section of the essay) is that if enough people donate their labor and their resources for the good of the larger community, everyone will start doing it. I would have preferred to see you develop that part of your argument more. Do you think, for instance, that if donating clothes to people who need them becomes common enough, we will end up collecting enough clothes so that everyone will have the clothes he or she needs?</p>
<p>This probably isn’t something you can do in an essay this short, but since you’ve noted that people will feel good once they contribute, it raises the question of what it feels like for people to receive those contributions, and whether there’s a difference in how those people feel when their needs are provided for as an act of charity versus a government-administered right. </p>
<p>At any rate, I think it has promise and I think you have some good ideas, but I would have preferred to see you go into more depth when it comes to exactly how you think people contributing what they can will free us from overdependence on government.</p>
<p>I think people should take more responsibility for solving problems that affect their communities because everyone can do something to help, regardless of one’s age or education. This would make society better and less dependent on the government.</p>
<p>Few could disagree with the assertion that no matter who you are, you can do something helpful to the community. [Actually, I can think of several counterexamples: children under the age of 2, people who are stuck in nursing homes because the services necessary for them to live in the community aren’t available to them, people who need all their energies just to have enough resources to survive, etc.] If you are strong, you can help as volunteer worker with road or house building projects. If you know foreign languages and know much about your city, you can be a volunteer tour guide to help foregn visitor understand the true value and beauty of your homeland. [In the US, which is large and sees itself as diverse, I think you’re going to run into a lot of people who don’t see showing off your city as a way of showing off your homeland. I think it’s easier for people from smaller countries that see themselves as culturally homogeneous to make that leap.] If you are pretty well-educated, you can register to be a volunteer teacher and go to work in some remote areas where the need for good teachers is high. If you are active, you can create your own projects to help benefit the community, such as having people donate food, clothes for poor people, or having aid workers go to some tornado-ravaged areas to help local people there. If technically everyone can help, why don’t overcome laziness and ignorance to volunteer. [I’m not sure how you see this sentence fitting in here. I might edit it to “Since everyone can help, we should overcome laziness and ignorance to volunteer” or to “If everyone can help, why don’t we/more of us overcome laziness and ignorance to volunteer?” I think it’s stronger as a sentence than as a rhetorical question, though.]</p>
<p>The second reason why people should do something helpful is that if we do so, our society will be much better. If more and more people do volunteer work, then volunteerism can easily be fostered in the mind of young kids, the future generation. They in turn will do a great deal to help society. Some ignorant old people [I have the impression you’re using “ignorant old people” to mean “people who don’t know what they have to offer” or something, but in the US “ignorant” is very often used as a pejorative. The rest of the essay has a sense of optimism about people, and the word “ignorant” here is jarring] will feel inspired and motivated to contribute their talent and experience to help build the country [here again, because the US is large, I would probably use a word like “community” instead of “country” when writing for an American audience]. Most importantly, people will feel good about their contributions and themselves, and this happiness would be the biggest reward.</p>
<p>In conclusion, each individual has to feel his or her own responsibility for other fellow citizens, and this will make society better. We should not rely too much on the government. It is definitely essential to the well-being of people, but still it can sometimes become perverted by special interests, as has occurred in some countries in the world.</p>