It sounds like his current military college is crappy. Poor choice for him. Your definition of a good college is not that of so many people. Assuming it is not one of the US military academies, they are excellent for those who want a military career. I have only heard of the Citadel here on CC- it is not one of the better schools known to many outside its region, hence the “crappy” rating to use your words.
Your son is wiser than you seem to be. He can learn better without the poor atmosphere of a military school- I say poor because so many excellent students would not function well with a restrictive environment. It would not surprise me to hear about harassment of those who do not conform.
Your approach to him should be encouraging him to transfer out of a miserable situation. You can be positive in suggesting the best schools for his academic ability if the one his HS friends attend has students where his stats would be far above most. If the school has an honors program that could be the way to get the best education, if he does not qualify for any honors courses then the college is at his level. It is the student, not the school, that yields success.
Get him out of his lousy situation. If he does not transfer he may just drop out. An average (where the vast majority of college grads get their degrees) college degree is better than no degree.
Re the West Point seniors- I think most college seniors are tired of undergrad college life by the spring of the final year, regardless of the school. As you said, the school has done its job properly. Congrats to your son, and all college grads this spring.
Maybe you could tell this young fellow he can be reunited with his friends in 3 years or so, when they are working for him!
Or, don’t restrict him. Let him have his choice. Tell him he can go to any college he can pay for.
Kids react differently to ultimatums. If this was my kid and she was miserable and I said this to her, she’d probably drop out and go to CC part time while working, and end up where she wanted to anyway but with a much longer and painful route to get there (not to mention the strain it would place on the parent/child relationship). There must be a less combative way to find a compromise for a school the kid will be happy at and that the parent thinks is worthwhile, even if it’s a third option.
I don’t see my second message as an ultimatum at all. The second choice would be giving the student total freedom to make his own choices and select his own path without interference from parents. Requiring or expecting parents to continue paying would be practically trying to force them to bend to his will. Nope. The student has free will, but so do the parents. He is allowed to make his own choices, but they can make their own choices too.
^it’s not total freedom if the student is considered dependent until age 24. It’s a false choice and it’s thus cruel.
Attending a college where one is miserable is not an obligation, parents and child can both find a suitable college where the child isn’t miserable and can succeed - there are way more than two colleges in the US.
In addition, military life and being a cadet should be willingly chosen. The military isn’t there as a punishment, it wants cadets who want to be there, not cadets who are miserable, hate their life there, and aren’t proud but rather hate being a cadet. The situation isn’t good for either the military instituion or the student.
Would you seriously say that either your kid stays miserable in a particular environment or you stop supporting him?
“My way or pay your own highway” sounds like an ultimatum to me. It’s not the case that the only alternative is “bending to the child’s will”. Surely any parent would want to find something that’s both acceptable to them and where their child will be happy?
How about “I’ll choose anything I want, and you still have to pay!” Isn’t that an ultimatum?
Part of being an adult, which many see at 18, some see at 21, is making one’s own choices. That is true for someone at 18, but no less true for someone at 38 or 58.
Most here have recommended the student stay another year, then to decide. Myadvice is mindful of OP’s first post that the trouble chiefly seems to be missing high school friends. MANY college students go through that. The reality of paying for one’s own choice might encourage him to stay that year. AFTER THAT, the situation may change favorably or could then be re-evaluated.
OP said her son was miserable and hating it there.
The military DOES NOT want people in the military who hate being in the military.
Miserable cadets don’t make good cadets nor good soldiers.
The youth needs to be suitable for the career. If he’s not, he’s like a blind pilot or a narcoleptic tank driver.
Too much is at stake for the military. I repeat: if a young adult hates being in a military college and hates the military lifestyle, for whatever reason, then that young adult should not stay. Period.
(Maybe the kid was blinded by “prestige” and wanted to show off without thinking it through - those are the worst recruits and should get out ASAP.)
If the college where his friends go isn’t suitable, both parents and child need to find a more suitable college that is appropriate for his academic level (honors if possible?). There are more colleges than one where he is miserable and one where his friends go. If the one where his friends go is off the table but all other public universities in the state are still on the table, does OP’s son still want to transfer? If so, then it’s unrelated to friends.
In addition, OP has not explained what the “mediocre” school is. For all we know, it could be one of the very fine public universities in Virginia or South Carolina. I’ve seen enough people on this website qualify top notch colleges as being “mediocre” without cause that I take that qualifier with a huge grain of salt.
Hating a military college is not like hating Wesleyan and wishing you were at Johns Hopkins, or hating U Michigan and wishing you were at UNC.
I think some of you guys are being intentionally obtuse here. Having known and worked with graduates of VMI, Citadel, and all the service academies, I totally get where the OP’s kid is coming from. It either works for you or it doesn’t; it’s either a great environment, or an OK environment or a tolerable environment. But if it’s a BAD environment- time to bail. It doesn’t get better, it gets more intense. For those that love it- fabulous. And if it’s the wrong fit, a kid could go from unhappy to miserable by Thanksgiving of Sophomore year.
I can’t imagine making a kid stick it out for any reason.
OP- what are you trying to prove by making your kid stay where he’s so unhappy???
With respect to adult offspring, the parents role is merely advisory. This young man will stay or depart college as he wishes, and may or may not receive some amount of continued financial support from his parents. It is good to recognize the limits of one’s control.
Please note that if the OP’s son is at The Citadel, the environment is military and all undergo military training, but many attend with no intention of serving. The Citadel is not a service academy; only about a third of any graduating class is there to pursue a commission. The rest graduate and pursue civilian careers like students at any other college. Hard to fathom, but some just want to experience a military environment while pursuing a degree for a civilian career.
The OP did not specify if her son is one of those on ROTC scholarship or contracted via ROTC to one of armed services with a commitment to serve. He could just be attending The Citadel to pursue a degree and has come to hate the military structure and mandatory training and wants a more normal college experience like his friends have. Until @knobmom22 answers the questions @ucbalumnus posed in #1 and provides us with some insight to her son’s ROTC status at his military university, we’re just blowing smoke rings here.
I think many here are guessing about why the student hates the school. Those people may be guessing correctly, I don’t know, I am not guessing. But I do know the only reason the OP actually gave was that the student missed his friends.
While others may give comments based on what they guess may be other reasons, I limited my comments based on what was actually written.
MODERATOR’S NOTE:
Many questions have been asked of the OP; none have been answered.At this point, the discussion is just turning into a debate. Without any involvement from the OP, I’m seeing no reason for this thread to remain open. Closing.