My son is at a very difficult military university and has had a tough year. He does not love it, hates it in fact, but is doing pretty well in classes and it is likely due to the structure. It is far and away the best school he will get into, but has his heart set on transferring to a mediocre college to be with friends. How do I convince him that doors will open with any degree from this university, but going to a crappy college yields no future?
By “military university”, do you mean a service academy? If so, is his goal still to be an officer in the military?
No one can give you much of a specific answer if you do not name the schools, his goals, and his desired majors.
Happiness is important.
A military environment is not for everyone.
I"m assuming your son is a freshman. In that case, I’d tell him that if, halfway through sophomore year, he still wants to transfer, then go for it. You don’t want him to have a completely miserable four years. By the time two years at this place have passed, he may have found a group of people who appeal to him and find himself fitting in better.
You don’t. He’s an adult. If he’s at a service academy and no longer wants to serve you shouldn’t try to force him to stay there.
Most colleges in this country are perfectly fine. I don’t know how you define “best,” but the best college for him is one he’s happy to attend and will thrive at if he attends. Make sure he applied to a few schools so he has options. Are finances an issue?
If he’s at a military college and the military lifestyle isn’t for him, you can’t force it on him. If he’s at a service academy, he MUST get out so that he can transfer without having to repay.
Your son’s future will not be bright if he’s miserable.
What you CAN do is help him find other, non military colleges where he has a shot at transferring, encourage him to apply to 5-6 of them asap (deadlines may be past for Fall 2019 but nor necessarily, you can help him there), assure him that his future doesn’t depend on his college but on himself and what he does there. If he’s done well at a college he’s miserable at, imagine how he’ll flourish at a college he enjoys attending.
You can add some strings : no social fraternity (to ensure he doesn’t waste time in social activities), wellness/substance free dorm (if you’re worried leaving the academy will result in his partying too much), mandatory participation in intramurals (if you think he needs the exercise and would not join otherwise) …
Can you please share your definition of a “crappy” college, and provide the source that tells us a “crappy” college yields no future?
Are there other schools he can transfer to that will meet both of your concerns? Are you paying for school? If he is miserable, it is unlikley he will do well. If you aren’t willing to pay for the “crappy college” give him a list of schools you will pay for and if he can get in as a transfer, let him go there. But really look into the college he is interested in. It may be just fine.
I transferred after my freshman year. It was a very smart decision for me.
What is this “crappy college”?
Part of college, and doing well…is being happy where one is. If your son isn’t enjoying this military style college, then I would help him, not discourage him.
If it is a service academy, he can leave before he starts his “junior” year without having to repay anything.
If it is a senior military college (e.g., VMI) then I would talk to him and see what he likes and dislikes about both colleges.
Is the cost a factor? will the new one cost more? How does he plan to pay for that?
As a Crappy College graduate I would respectfully disagree that there is no future. Me and my other Crappy College classmates are doing pretty good. Several are doctors, one is a college professor and very well respected researcher working with the Michael J Fox foundation. Others are business owners and leaders. Some are now even officers in the army. Getting that first job might take a bit more effort but after that, we are judged more on the results we drove and our achievements more than where we got our crappy degrees.
I’d like to know the names of the colleges - I have a feeling I might disagree on how wonderful the military university is vs the “crappy college”. If he’s getting good grades where he is, there’s also the possibility he could transfer to a better college than his original high school choices, though it sounds like what he really wants is to be with his high school friends. I would never make my kid keep attending a college he hates.
Kids who feel trapped sometimes do really stupid things. I would be wary of forcing a kid to remain in a situation that he hates. I think you need to have a heart to heart and come up with a mutually satisfying solution. These are the only college years he’s going to have - you really want him to spend those years miserable because his chance at a good job is better, but not guaranteed?
I agree with the posters above. Freshman year in a military college is the worst. If a service academy he can leave prior to 3rd year with no service commitment. If he’s (you are) paying for a hated military environment that’s different. Does he still intend to serve in the military? And his future is up to him, not his school.
Student is an adult. He’s the one who has to spend day after day at this college. In addition to that, many military academies have a required service commitment if the student goes beyond a certain point. I would not push my kid into staying n an environment he finds toxic and risking his life with the military when he chooses not to do so. If he has another term before having to sign commitment papers or be committed to military service , discussing such a limited time trial is about as far as I would go.
As for the “crappy”college he wants, well, ummm, that could be someone’s beloved alma mater. Maybe even mind. Not a cool choice of words here.
What could be a real issue, however is the cost of this college, and any other college out there. If he is getting a free ride at the military academy, it’s going to be tough to match that price. What’s available to him moneywisr has to be discussed. Where is he going to get the money to go to any college? Transfers don’t tend to get much financial aid. Commuting to school can be very difficult after being away from home for a year, even at a stringent environment like a military academy. Even then, you have to pay tuition and transportation costs, and more. The money situation needs to be discussed
As I read this, part of the OP’s concern about “crappy college” is the “to be with friends” part coupled with “doing pretty well in classes and it is likely due to the structure” - meaning OP feels without that structure he may fail, and that plus the presence of friends means he will party, not study, something like that?
If you are paying for this college (like the Citadel or VMI - not a service academy), you can agree to pay for it and not another if you decide that is best. Of course he may just drop out. You might put minimum grade strings on the “mediocre” college.
If he’s at an SA, then it’s much more his call as he is the one paying, albeit later.
Even with a military college I wouldn’t force a student who’s miserable there. It’s like the seminary - either you WANT to be there, or don’t do it.
There are many ways to structure party avoidance at a state or private college: substance free dorm, athletic team with substance testing, ROTC, outdoors club, mandatory church on Sundays, mandatory registration with tutoring services…
@ChoatieMom may be able to give more guidance wrt service academies.
However there are more than two colleges out there. If he has good grades, he can apply to your State Flagship (s), perhaps even enroll in their honors college. There must good colleges that he’s eligible for as a transfer of his grades are good.
What’s your budget for his college?
If it’s a service academy, his enrolling there saved you one full year of tuition +Room&board, so the savings can help pay for the other college.
Given the OP’s screen name, it appears her son is a student at The Citadel where freshman are called “Knobs.” The Citadel does not have the same requirements and service commitment as the federal service academies, and it’s not free, although residents of South Carolina receive a discount. All cadets are required to undergo four years of ROTC training in one of the four branches of the armed services that offer ROTC programs, but they are not required to enter military service after graduation unless on ROTC scholarship or contract. Approximately 35% of Citadel cadets commission upon graduation.[wiki]
I don’t have much more to add to the advice above. Our son commissions from West Point in less than three months and often mentions that he “can’t wait to get out of this place.” He doesn’t know a single senior who isn’t ready to leave skidmarks in the academy rearview mirror, which means the school has done its job properly. But, for all the suck (and it’s mostly suck), he’s never waivered on his goal of becoming an Army officer, so he’s soldiered through his years there never losing sight of the end game to sustain him.
@knobmom22, did your son not understand what living in a military environment would entail? Like the service academies, The Citadel is not exactly known for its nurturing environment or characterized as fun, and freshman year is designed to be a haze. Plebes/Knobs are broken down before being built back up into strong leaders over the ensuing years. That’s just the program. Or is there something else that is disillusioning him? What were his goals going in to the program?
In any case, The Citadel will not open any more doors than any other college if the student is not happy and doing well there. Nothing good will come of forcing your son to stay where he cannot achieve his personal best. If your son embraces another school and does well there, the future will take care of itself. I believe crappy choices rather than crappy colleges lead to shaky futures, and I’m not sure I can name a crappy college. 
“going to a crappy college yields no future”
My partner and I both went to community college after being unable to pay for the private and flagship schools we were accepted to. We graduated and work in our areas of interest in a major metro area and have salaries that put us well into the top 10% of earners for our age as individuals, in spite of working in medium-paid fields. We are technically minded people who work hard and that seems to work well. Of course… our CEOs graduated from public universities as well.
We are not exceptional people.
I would be incredibly proud to see one of our kids go to a service academy, however, I don’t think that’s something you can push.
I also get the concern about drinking, but your son needs to form his own character. Being resentful is not going to drive the energetic passion to yield the future we all dream of for our children.
Perhaps paying tuition contingent on GPA would provide you with the strings you are looking to pull in terms of driving him to succeed. It’s something I’ve thought of and I don’t think it’s unreasonable.
More thoughts:
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If he is on an ROTC scholarship at The Citadel, also find out if there is a payback requirement if he starts his Junior year.
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Tell him to be careful making plans based on other people…would he be happy there if his friends all dropped out/transferred?