IMO–" Do you suggest living together immediately or to start off living separately?"
if you do not move in together upon arrival…it will more likely lead to a break up. if you are gf and bf and close enough to move to the same city “together” than it should be moving there as a couple. of course this is IMO.
but let me also say the probability of 2 people going in 2 different directions after moving to a new city in their early 20’s is probably fairly high. both transitioning into a new setting, new people around them,new jobs, still growing and maturing etc…
I often wish that I had lived on my own a little while after college. Your early 20s are a special time in your life, and being in college is not necessarily the same as being a grown up (though for some people it is of course).
I would suggest to my sons that they wait.
Obviously you are an adult and it is your choice. It’s a good sign, imho, that you’re asking the question.
southfloirdamom9–is probably a person you should listen too! she is always on point and has a good head on her shoulders! (however from previous posts I believe she is a lawyer…nobody is perfect)
To the OP: How did the two of you end up making the choice to take jobs in the same city?
Did you do it because you had made a commitment to stay together? Did either of you, perhaps, turn down better job offers (or not apply to certain jobs) because they were in a city where the other one could get a job? Did you plan this together?
Or did it just sort of happen? Did you two search for jobs independently, without considering whether they would allow you to stay together, and then discover that you both had offers from employers in the same city – perhaps a city where many graduates of your college start their careers?
If the two of you deliberately set up this situation, that implies a greater degree of commitment in your relationship than if it just sort of happened.
“IMO–” Do you suggest living together immediately or to start off living separately?"
if you do not move in together upon arrival…it will more likely lead to a break up. if you are gf and bf and close enough to move to the same city “together” than it should be moving there as a couple. of course this is IMO."
Well…DH and I had been GF and BF in college. We moved in together when we moved to a new city after college… it lasted about 6 months. We broke up I got my own place, we got back together about 6 months later and ended up getting married. We have been married almost 29 years. So while we may be the exception. I don’t think living together is necessarily the best idea.
If you have to ask, it might not be such a great idea. S2 and the gf are headed to the same town on purpose; she to do grad school, he is looking for a job there because they want to stay together. So living together makes sense for them, financially and emotionally since in their minds, they’ve made the committment to be together when they could have easily decided to part. There are no guarantees in life, of happiness or commitment. You can live cautious, or live with your heart wide open – just depends on your tolerance for heartbreak.
An old lawyer once told me that “you never learn anything without paying a little tuition.”
All I can do is try to answer from my own life experience, and what I would tell my sons if one of them was asking the question. We are at the beginning of some of these issues so I appreciate hearing from young adults newly out of college. Wishing OP all the best!
"We are at the beginning of some of these issues " just make sure not to marry your first bf or gf!(IMO) yes some people married the first girl/guy they danced with at age 11 at the county fair and happily lived to 115 together. but I like playing the odds and I would discourage going that route. my youngest brother pulled that trick out of the hat and it played out just like a movie. (warned him) --first highschool gf…now ex wife.
The couple of people I know who have been in your situation have started off living separately and (if still together) then moved in together after a year or two. I think they all wanted to have a little space to stretch out own their own without feeling completely tied to someone else.
I married mine. First relationship for both of us. Our 40th anniversary will be in May.
In retrospect, though, we both regretted marrying so young. Fortunately, we waited a long time to have children, but still, we probably would have been better off waiting to marry, too.
My sister is still married to her high school sweetheart and first boyfriend - you never can tell! I love my BIL too. It feels like we all grew up together.
ETA: my sister did go away to college, though, and her boyfriend (now H of many years) stayed back at home.
When my niece left for college, my BIL said that he remembered very well the day that another petite beauty left for the same campus. :’) Made me cry when I heard that story.
Regardless of the circumstances of your relationship, you’re both in a big transition right now. I would advise living separately, with or without roommates, depending on the affordability of your city.You’ll both be a lot more independent and well-grounded if you’re not coming home to each other at the end of every day. It’s too easy to lapse into the familiar that way, and you might miss opportunities for growth. Then, when your leases are up, you can decide what the next step in your relationship should be.
So, CC people, how shall our OP tell his GF that he does not want to live together and not offend her or hurt her feelings. Many of the very legitimate reasons (for both of them) would tend to make the person hearing them feel pushed away, not wanted, or just that the OP really is not very sure about her and wants to keep his options open.
I feel like DD listened to me and I told her it was the best way to develop a healthy relationship. But I feel sad for the person who seems to be making all the sacrifices and don’t want her to feel like she is doing everything and he is doing nothing.
In truth, they owe to themselves some time living alone to grow as people before committing to their long distance SO.
Not wanting to offend is a bad reason from shying away from a slightly awkward conversation and be less than honest with a sweetheart. It’s an even worse reason for living together and would bode poorly for a strong future relationship.
I get the sense he has already broken the news, and she is not happy. Not sure what he can do, except to offer to help her as much as possible in getting settled in her own place, and show that he really does want to spend time with her once she is there.
