My girlfriend and I will be moving to the same city after graduation for work. I figured that some of you might have sons or daughters, or know of people, who have been in similar situations and would love to hear your advice. Do you suggest living together immediately or to start off living separately?
I always told D that though I have no moral issues with couples living together, breaking up can be messy enough without having a shared space to split up as well. So D waited until she had a solid relationship where they had agreed to marry at a future date.
My D and her BF waited a couple of years. The good news is that you will be on about the same lease schedule – so if you decide to move in together in a year or two, the timing will work well.
How long have you been together? Have you already been living together?
Thank you for the advice. Anyone else have input?
I agree with @romanigypsyeyes that more info is needed. How serious is the relationship? How long have you been together? Do you basically live together on campus already? For example, are you staying the night together pretty much every night? How much time do you spend together now? Are you best friends in addition to BF/GF? Each relationship is different so there is no one answer to this question.
(since your asking, i’m assuming you have some history with this person, and you didnt just hook up yesterday–if so, then disregard below, and no)
i would have no problem with you living together, but until you are married, keep the money separate, and each be responsible for half the expenses, no different than any other roommate arrangement. i wouldnt buy big things together (like houses, cars, even refrigerators!) until you are in a committed long term relationship–as in putting a ring on it. its an opportunity to both learn alot about each other and your own selves, assuming you are somewhat serious about this relationship.
in any event, good luck to both of you!
I think living independently after college graduation is a valuable experience - one that I am very glad I had. It’s a good time to mature as an adult. If you go from being a child in your parent’s home, to dorm life, to living with someone - I do think you miss a step.
A dear friend is divorcing after 27 years of marriage - she married her college bf soon after graduation. One of the things she remarked to me is how liberating it is to be on her own - live on her own, etc. She never had that experience earlier in life. Food for thought.
Not knowing you or your GF, it would be impossible to have much of an opinion. What do YOU think?
I broke up pretty much every time I left an area or a school–transferring to a new college, starting law school, beginning career back in hometown.
I think living alone or with room mates really helps you grow and am glad I did both. I lived alone for 4 years, when I began my new career and found it very freeing–I was an excellent chameleon and would adapt to the people around me well. When I lived alone, I was able to please MYSELF and think what I really wanted, instead of my room mate or the current boyfriend.
As others have mentioned, mingling finances adds even more complications if there is a breakup.
When in doubt, I would NOT not move in with a loved one, for convenience or to save on housing. I don’t think those are compelling enough reasons, IMHO.
Has there been any discussion of an engagement or eventual marriage yet?: Or has it been only college sleepovers and fun?
If you choose to live together, be sure each person has the financial resources to move out or take on the entire lease if the other party leaves. Working life holds new challenges: new bosses, office demands, the realization it may take years to be promoted. While, in your apartment life, you will need to face the boring chores of grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, bill-paying with an equitable division of labor.
Are you ready to compromise, contribute equally to the chores, and commit to a future together? What will happen if there is an accidental pregnancy? If these topics are scary, you might want more time living in your own place and having some independence.
I like your post @fauve but I think this applies regardless of shacking up together or not: “What will happen if there is an accidental pregnancy?”
Totally depends on how serious you are. After college graduation my girlfriend followed me 1/2 way across the country - obviously to be with me - but we did not live together. We broke up when I was in graduate school. After I finished graduate school (with my new very serious girlfriend) we moved to San Francisco together (from the east coast). Before she would move with me she made me buy her an engagement ring, and she made me promise that I would not turn gay after moving to San Francisco. We lived together right away, and happily ever after. But that was 35 years ago. Maybe things are different today.
I moved in with my now-spouse, then-boyfriend before graduating college and we moved to a new city together. I’ve never lived on my own and I have absolutely zero regrets. There is nothing appealing to me about living alone.
However, this is not what I advised the OP to do (based on other PMed info).
How would you feel if you were to get into a major fight and want to break up? Would you be able to to leave immediately (find another place to live)? Are you in a relationship that you would be comfortable staying/sleeping at the same place if there should be a fight or would you want your own space to chill out?
I advise my kids not to move in until they are ready to commit to that person. I told them to always have a place to go back to if necessary. Don’t stay because they no other option.
^this. One of my friends told her daughter, if you live together and things don’t work out, you’ll experience a double whammy: you’ll lose your BF and your home, all at once. Better to have your own apt, even if you’re spending a lot of time together.
One of my friends has a daughter in law school. She was living with her BF when she joined her parents for a winter vacation in Puerto Rico. They returned to JFK airport, the parents dropped their daughter off at her apt, and then drove home to westchester. Soon after entering their house, the daughter calls in tears bc her BF told her he wanted to break up shortly after she walked in the door. Parents have to drive back to NYC to pick up daughter who was waiting with her suitcases. Luckily she was able to stay at her parents for several months and commute to law school in NYC. Didn’t have to find her own apt until summer break. But it wasn’t a good time.
Parents had to drive…sorry for typo. On phone and can’t easily edit.
The fact that you’re asking the question suggests that one or both of you might be more comfortable if you did not live together – at least, not yet.
Sometimes a relationship needs to grow and mature for a while before you’re ready for the intense togetherness that comes with being both a dating couple and housemates. If it’s not time yet, it’s not time yet.
Relationships in college are not the same as relationships in the real world. The transition to careers is challenging. It’s just as much a transition as high school to college (and in some ways, an even bigger one).
I wish I had lived on my own for a while (even if it had been with roommates). It’s important to have that experience.
If you are still together a year from now, then it might be a good time to reevaluate living arrangements.
My DD dated her BF for five years, long distance for a large part of that. They both got jobs in the same town, they discussed moving in together. I strongly suggested they each have their own place to give the relationship it’s best chance by allowing them both to have some time to themselves. Sadly, they broke up three weeks after she arrived in that town. She thanked me deeply for that suggestion as the break up was bad enough, having to move would have totally stunk!