Cracking my very challenging child

Parent Cafe
1

Today we found out that my 8yo finished the year meeting expectations in math, a subject for which he was below or approaching expectations since he started getting grades at all. It took a TON of work – mostly tutoring using online resources – but he did it. Unsurprisingly, he exhibits much less frustration doing math homework now. Perfectly logical. His skill set is much stronger.

We saw the exact same sequence with reading. Total nightmare at first, ripping up books, crumpling up sight words, screaming I HATE READING, basically melting down over pronouncing “C-A-T.” Two years later (and a ton of 1:1 tutoring with a teacher who just put up with it and didn’t back down), he now reads for pleasure - fiction, non-fiction, technical books, epic graphic novels - hours per day, nestled like a baby bird in his giant bean bag.

Here is my takeaway, as I stare at beautiful mountains while my kids and H splash in the pool on summer vacation… The first pass at new academic subjects makes S1 anxious, frustrated and upset manifesting as oppositional behavior, defiance, explosive anger (we are still in the thick of the “I HATE” phase with writing… when it is time to journal we dive for the coat closet, burrow under soccer cleats and boots and defend our position with a deployed umbrella).

OK. It seems that my job here is pretty clear. I need to stay a beat or two ahead of where he is academically so that all that anguish plays out on me at home rather than in a classroom with 30 kids. First with reading and now with math, it turns out that just relentlessly drilling the skill is the most effective anti-anxiety intervention we’ve tried. My 6yo seems to enjoy challenges so there is no prep-step necessary for him (whew!).

Anyone BTDT and/or have any observations or advice?

2

Sounds like he might be a bit of a perfectionist combined with a short fuse. In addition to some of the strategies you’ve deployed, I think it is important to get across to him that mastery comes with practice. I had a child who would get frustrated when not picking up skills right away. I constantly had to repeat the mantra practice, practice, practice makes perfect. For pretty much anything in life. I would make an effort to point out real life examples of this in other people. I still have to remind this child of that sometimes and he’s in college. :wink:

3

OP, if I may ask, are you the Aspie, or is your child?

4

I’d be interested in hearing any strategies to relax perfectionism.

5

Remember to praise effort, not results. “I can see how hard you are working”… Kids need to be recognized for their efforts, and need to expect that there will be effort in learning things that don’t come easily to them.

6

and just when you think you have everything figured out they enter a new phase… :((

7

Yes, I make a big effort to praise effort, calmness, sustained focus and asking for help using labeled praise “Nice asking for help!”