<p>A very close relative will be married this summer. This is a second wedding for both of them. they are middle-aged and well-off. They have several homes that are completely set up; in fact, the problem when joining forces was deciding what to keep and what to give a way. The wedding will be at a small resort that they are renting entirely, and we will be their guests there for the weekend. They have specified, “no gifts.”</p>
<p>Of course, I want to do something to mark the occasion. I have not yet been to the city where they live (a new city for my relative), so I haven’t seen their homes and don’t know anything about style. I do know that all of these homes are on the small side.</p>
<p>I’m trying to think of something special to give them that will not be a typical gift. </p>
<p>Honestly, I know your heart is in the right place, but if they specified no gifts, I would respect that.
With that said, after your stay at their rental, I’d write them a lovely thank-you and and send them something consumable- wine, cheese, chocolate–whatever you think the two of them would enjoy.</p>
<p>To me “no gifts” means just that. However, a donation to a favorite charity might be in order, or send them a gift certificate for dinner at a very nice restaurant for when they get home or send a bottle of a very nice wine to their home or a nice basket of usable goodies, if you really want to send something.</p>
<p>Curb Your Enthusiasm Larry David: His manager invites Larry to his birthday party. The invitations said “no gifts”. Larry was the only guest without a gift. The manager’s wife said quite definitely, “Lar…everyone says no gifts, no one means it.”</p>
<p>My mother always said, “You NEVER go to someone’s home for dinner empty handed.”</p>
<p>No, actually when some people say no gifts, they mean no gifts. I heard about this one couple getting married and my friend was “insulted” because her invitation said no gifts She took it to mean that she wasn’t thought of as a good gift giver. She got mad and ranted to other people that knew the couple. After she took a fancier than normal gift for the couple she realized they really didn’t want gifts. She then got embarrassed.</p>
<p>I can’t imagine what gifts a well-off middle-aged couple with multiple homes who say, “No gifts” could possibly want. I would take them at their word. But if you can’t just leave it alone, give them a “thank you” kind of gift as mentioned above. I mean, how much more stuff do people need?</p>
<p>Take a long a digital camera. Snap candids the entire weekend - of them and their guests. Make a shutterfly photo book for them after the big event.</p>
<p>There are many worthwhile charities and all are crying out for donations–schools, various particular health and community issues, elderly, churches, Boston, Japan, ==and a host of national, local and international organizations. Giving them a photo book would be lovely, as would making a donation in their honor to a charity you know they’d support.</p>
<p>I would do the charity donation. Try to pick a charity that would be personal for the couple. If one of them has lost a family member to cancer, you can donate to the Cancer Society. A heart attack…the Heart Association. If they have a tie to Boston, do the OneFund. I think it makes it more personal if you can make a connection to them.</p>
<p>Please respect the wishes of those who specify “no gift.” My D is getting married this fall and she and her fiance definitely do not want gifts – to those who ask, they say if you really insist on doing something, we will suggest charities. They have all they need and prefer a minimalist approach to their home.</p>
<p>That said, IMO a photo book or music CD of special songs are very thoughtful ideas. Neither would take up much space and both are nicely personal. A lovely note with details about what you especially enjoyed about the wedding, the couple’s relationship, etc. would also be appreciated IMO.</p>
<p>Well intentioned as it may be, according to etiquette, " no gifts" doesn’t really belong on an invitation. The reason is you don’t want to give the unfortunate impression that one is thinking of gifts or anything other than offering hospitality to your guests. Not to mention that today there are people who will actually interpret this as “cash only!” If people ask about a registry, word can always be spread that the couple has everything they need or that they support a particular cause.</p>
<p>But if an invitation does say “no gifts” and you feel especially moved to do or give something, I wouldn’t bring anything to the wedding itself. It should go without saying that it is wrong and turns good manners on its head to actually be “insulted” or “offended” by the fact that someone gives you a gift. On the other end, you can, of course, take the couple’s wishes into account if you know about them.</p>
<p>PS I’ve been to many of those Larry David parties, too.</p>
<p>^ Yes, the etiquette point is correct, and my D and her fiance are only passing the word about no gifts to those who inquire – or through me! It is not considered appropriate to mention on the invitation, although personally I have received some that specify that, and I am fine with it.</p>
<p>I think there are many people today who are trying to simplify. “No gifts” celebrations are part of that.</p>