<p>I’ve read a lot of great threads and posts on this forum, and have learned a lot in the process.</p>
<p>My son leaves for college in two weeks. He’s still 17 and won’t turn 18 until December.</p>
<p>I think I’ve covered a lot of the most important topics with him (alcohol, time management, etc), but I thought I’d ask folks here who have more experience, if you were able to do it all over (your child’s freshman year/1st semester) what would you do differently, discuss more with your child, etc?</p>
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<li><p>In your particular case, make sure that both you and your son have found out and understand the special rules that apply because he is still a minor. You don’t want him going to the campus clinic with an ear infection or sprained wrist and finding out that he can’t be treated because some sort of parental permission form is not on file. (They would treat a life-threatening problem without your permission but not a routine one like the examples I mentioned.) You also don’t want him to be unable to go on a class field trip or to a club’s off-campus event because of a lack of documented parental permission. </p></li>
<li><p>Make sure he has access to money for emergencies and knows how to get the money. (The type of emergency I’m thinking about here is something like broken eyeglasses or a stolen laptop, where he would have to replace an expensive item quickly in order to function.)</p></li>
<li><p>The civilized male college student does not expect a female friend to walk home alone late at night. He puts on his coat and walks her back to her dorm, even if it’s raining.</p></li>
<li><p>If he’s going to school in an area where it snows or if you live in an area where it snows, consider what you want him to do if his transportation home for Winter Break is cancelled or postponed because of bad weather and the dorms close before he can make alternative travel arrangements. The college may help out if the bad weather is in the college community (by keeping the dorms open a little longer or setting up some sort of shelter for the stranded), but they may not do so if the bad weather is at your son’s destination. And many hotels will not rent rooms to a 17 or 18 year old. You may need to talk to people at the college over the next few months and have a game plan in mind before winter arrives.</p></li>
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<p>My son’s freshman year was a doozy. He changed majors, voluntarily gave up a full ride because its requirements no longer fit his life plan, received an underage drinking citation, fell into depression, failed a class (nearly 3 classes), and pledged a fraternity. </p>
<p>The son who came home in May was dramatically different from the one who left in August. And that’s OK. Our family was in distress for most of the spring, but we came through OK, and we’re all stronger because of it. </p>
<p>The best advice I can offer is that you reassure your son that it’s OK/normal to change his mind or doubt himself. Let him know that you’ll support him if he encounters difficulties. Sometimes when kids go away to college, they think they’re all grown up and should be able to fix things by themselves. But, often, they can’t. Remind him that professors’ office hours, advisors, and the the counseling center are there for a reason. He’s not alone and help is all around.</p>
<p>I’m sorry if this is a downer or alarms you. Best of luck to your son.</p>
<p>My daughter was 17 when she started college so I had some similar concerns. Marian is right on the money with advice about being a minor. </p>
<p>Sounds like you have had the major talks with your son already. Couple things I would add about college academics. First, always go to class. Second, freshman are often surprised at how few opportunites there are when it comes to grades. No extra credit to make up for a poor grade on a paper or test, like in high school. If writing a paper, have him ask if he can send a solid draft WELL AHEAD of time to get feedback before the paper is actually due. Very few students do this and it made a huge difference for my son. Profs actually really like the initiative, too. Finally, if possible, have your son talk to a trusted upperclassman about his first semester classes. Get a little involved in helping him make a reasonable schedule with a tendency towards easier than harder classes in the schedule. There are many things to adjust to in that first semester of college. After the first semester, he will have the hang of it but the first semester grades tend to predict how successful a student will be overall. It is much easier to keep up good grades than to try to pull up a bad first semester grades. Just some thoughts.</p>
<p>I think the main talk is about getting help before you drown - for whatever - mental issues, school issues, how to write a paper issues, girlfriends issues. </p>
<p>If he hasn’t chosen courses already, I recommend not taking too many yearlong courses (if they still exist that didn’t seem to be much of a problem at my kid’s colleges, but my sister-in-law ended up in four courses she hated and couldn’t get out of.) If there are freshmen seminars try to take one even if the subject seems weird. Take a weird course anyway. How would you know if you might like linguistics or anthropology unless you try it out. If you can consider auditing the lectures of a course - I always enjoyed sitting in on art history courses though I only took one officially.</p>
<p>Also, it probably wouldn’t hurt to tell him that the late teens and early 20s is a time when some mental illnesses manifest themselves for the first time. If he or one of his friends seem to be acting or feeling strange - tell some one.</p>
<p>A lot of parents disagree on the subject of having access to students’grades but I wish I had had access to S2’s Blackboard account when he was a first sem. freshman. He was an avg. student who didn’t keep up with things as well as he should have so fell behind and was unable to recover that first sem. He didn’t keep up with Blackboard announcements fr. teachers or even check on grades so was over his head and didn’t even know the full extent of it until it was too late. Thought he’d be able to “pull it out” at the end with a great exam grade…didn’t happen. </p>
<p>When he started second sem. of freshman year, I insisted on having access to Blackboard (as part of the deal that we let him return for Spring sem and try again ).<br>
Told him I would be keeping tabs on him so he better get it together. He did much better that sem. and has done well ever since (is a senior now). I’m convinced that he was more diligent that spring sem. of freshman year ( forming better work habits)because he knew I was looking over his shoulder. He is now one of the few of his friends who will actually grad. in four years. Not sure that would be happening if left to his own devices after that first sem. meltdown.</p>
<p>Every kid doesn’t need monitoring but some (like my S2) really need some oversight (that the school cannot always provide) in learning how to be a successful college student.</p>
<p>momof3, I’ll never forget S2 bringing a duffle bag of dirty clothes home from college one weekend and when I dumped them out on the floor in the laundry room the birth control came tumbling out too! Glad to know he was prepared. </p>
<p>mathmom, that’s weird. S2’s profs. (if they use Blackboard) usually had test grades up within a week of the test/assignment.</p>
<p>I’ll second the birth control situation. And that no means no. There are a lot of situations where drinking occurs and people’s judgement is compromised. Even if a girl says she’s using birth control, I’d advise him to use a condom to protect himself. And remind him that if a girl is in a compromised state, that even if she says yes the police may find cause to file rape charges if the girl wants to press charges. Not saying it’s right, but he needs to protect himself. Someone on CC had a friend who had to deal with a nightmare like that last year.</p>
<p>also go over the dorm policies re drugs or alcohol etc in the room…if he gets a room mate who violates that rule…how should he handle the situation. especially if scholarships etc are at risk…does his school feel all students in the room are responsible for any illegal substances so all students in the room receive the penalty</p>
<p>Another thing to discuss in advance is fraternities & recruitment. Some schools begin “Rush” the first week of school, while other colleges wait until the second semester. There are advantages & disadvantages to both. The main thing - if your son is interested in joining a frat - is to discuss your expectations in advance. That can include who pays frat dues, expectations about grades during the pledge period (and they WILL take a hit), and deferring a fraternity bid.</p>
<p>My daughter was also 17 when she went away to college (in Europe no less). She had some difficulty opening a bank account because of her age. The issue of mental illness is a personal one for me as my daughter’s illness manifested itself last year. I think beyond grades, drinking, etc the biggest message you can give you child is that although they may think they need to start doing things on their own, it doesn’t mean they need to do them alone. Lot’s of kids think that just because they are now “adults” they should know how to do things that they don’t have experience with and they are too afraid to ask for help. At the same time, for parents who have been so involved in the minute details of their off spring’s life, now is a time to let go a litte. Sure, its going to be ugly. Sure they are going to make mistakes. Didn’t we all Try to remember what you were like at 17/18/19. I’m sure it wasnt pretty all the time. But you needed to make those mistakes in order to grow and develop. And your children do too.</p>
<p>One thing we did need to do once our daughter turned 18 was have her sign a HIPPAA (or however you spell it) agreement to have access to her medical records. Just good piece of mind in case something happened. </p>
<p>And possibly ask you child what they are most worried about, where they think they may need your assistance, what they can say to you when they feel your intruding a little too much in their lives, and let them know that no matter what, you’ll be there for them.</p>
<p>Oh they should also know what to do in the event they get arrested. What to say/not say, who to call, the number of your attorney, etc</p>
<p>I think a critical issue is being realistic about how quickly you will make close friends. Colleges, and sometimes other students, like to create the impression that you’ll form deep friendships the moment you step on that glorious campus, but it isn’t always that swift or simple. I didn’t meet my best (and now lifelong) friends until sophomore and junior years. Don’t get too down if you feel a little left out at times during your freshman year. Keep trying and good things will come your way eventually.</p>
<p>–give him a pack of condoms and say one word–“Always”
–tell him to focus on earning a strong gpa right from the start just in case the idea of transferring comes into play
–be open minded when meeting people
–respect differing beliefs
–don’t procrastinate.<br>
–try to make healthy food choices
–don’t be afraid to ask for help (academically, physically, emotionally) and don’t wait until things get really bad
–tell him to put the phone numbers of a couple of taxi services into his cell phone contact list just in case he finds himself in need of a safe ride</p>
Try to remember what you were like at 17/18/19. I’m sure it wasnt pretty all the time. But you needed to make those mistakes in order to grow and develop. And your children do too.</p>