Criticize my Short Essay

Applying to College
1

I am working on short essays, and I am not proud of them. I personally feel that they need dramatic changes, but what changes?

[Prompt: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.]

It took me almost eighteen years to realize that my grandfather has been an extraordinary influence on my life. With his contribution to his community, he made me develop passion to help people. More importantly, he made me understand the idea of giving back to the community in exchange for a sense of life and love.

My grandfather’s contribution to his community was evident in volunteering. He enthusiastically participated in the International Red Cross and fund-raisers. I noticed how he grew personally and became more understanding and accepting. He made me want to give back to my community because I too wanted to grow personally and become a responsible young adult. Thus, I participated actively in community services, developing passion to help others.

While I cherished the contribution my grandfather made to his community, my life was transformed by what he did broadly to people in other countries. He actually traveled to third countries and helped unfortunate families. After this experience, he truly appreciated life and blessed for everything he had. He taught me not only the idea of just giving to others, but also of deriving from them a sense of life and love.

While the experiences I had at high school and in my community were thrilling, I learned to truly value them because of my grandfather. He enriched my life with his passion for helping others and changed it with his devotion to humanity. In his endless love of everyone he touched, I saw exceptional life and determined to go into the medical field.

[Prompt: What talent, accomplishment, or pursuit has given you the greatest joy or satisfaction?]

Research is something I love and can picture myself doing in college and real world. There is nothing like the thrill of having your experiment work, discovering new information, or seeing cells under the microscope. It allows me to apply the information I acquired in high school to major scientific research and to exercise my passion in science at the same time.

Nevertheless, I need to feel that my research has the potential to have an impact on the way people live their life. I have no illusions that my high school research will be innovative and change the world; after all, I may be too young for a Nobel Prize or worldwide recognition. My intentions are to apply my knowledge to research, to communicate with others, and to improve my critical thinking skills. Research takes me closer to those goals and gives me the greatest joy.

Research also gives me some direction in my life when I didn’t decide where to apply for undergraduate study. I came into contact with dozens of researchers doing experiments in biomedical engineering. Being interested in research and biological field, I often asked them what college had the best program for them. The answer was overwhelming [Name] University- everyone seemed to be convinced that it was the academic center of research and undergraduate study. I know that at [Name] I can pursue research, while also learning more about the subject I am passionate about: [major].

I know that these essays need grammatical corrections, but what do you think of them in general? Too much details? Not personal enough?

2

<p>I think the problem with this essay is that you mention how you’ve grown personally and volunteered to help out your community but you don’t give specific examples of your involvement. This is a classic example of telling instead of showing. Omit the vague sentences and substitute them with specific examples, which are more powerful.</p>

3

<p>Okay, excellent suggestion! Any more ideas?</p>

4

<p>the first paints a wonderful pic of your grandfather, but shows little about you - [I used the word shows intentionally, as opposed to tells]</p>

5

<p>You did a good job of talking about yourself and not making the first prompt not all about your grandfather, although I think you could do yourself a favor by “bragging” about yourself a little more. Proofread for some basic errors–a couple of times you left out a few words or your sentences were awkwardly constructed.</p>

<p>I agree with the above poster, cite more specific examples.</p>

6

<p>Yeah, that’s what I thought. I think I should put, like banana said, specific examples of ME being involved in community and WHAT I got out of it (became more “” ). What about the second prompt (research)? I feel like it’s not completed.</p>

7

<p>on the second, talk about your research in biomed, and then how it impacted you. the last two lines about why [name school] are at best solicitous – telll them why YOU and they are a GREAT fit – they already know (or think) that they are the best.</p>

8

<p>Okay, I will do that, bluebayou.</p>

9

<p>Bump </p>

<p>(10 characters)</p>

10

<p>umm how about more attention grabbing openings? i didnt really read them because i was bored right away…make the reader want to go on</p>

11

<p>okay. but how do you grab attention in the beginning?</p>

12

<p>One way is to mention some incident (with you in it) with your grandfather that had an impact on you. It doesn’t have to be dramatic. How about he sat you down and told stories about his travels. Or how he personally affected someone (a short incident) but you in it and your reaction.</p>

<p>I agree the first essay is too much about your grandfather and not enough about you. Both need to be more interesting. Just stating facts is not enough. Remember, college essays are a different animal from what you are used to write in school for classwork. Many students stumble here. I’d recommend you buy some college essay books (the one by Harry Bauld comes to mind) and get an idea of how to present yourself.</p>

13

<p>For the second essay as well, mentioning an incident in the lab where you did research, or a significant interaction with a researcher that had an impact on you would start off the essay nicely.</p>

14

<p>“I have no illusions that my high school research will be innovative and change the world; after all, I may be too young for a Nobel Prize or worldwide recognition.”</p>

<p>The second half of this sentence doesn’t seem to match the first. I think you won’t win a Nobel as a high school student because (as you say in the first half) your research is not innovative – not because you’re too young. Plenty of young people get world-wide recognition.</p>

<p>Otherwise, I like your second essay.</p>

<p>Your first essay, IMHO, needs more stories. Things that tie you and your grandfather together, and that show us more about you. I just don’t “get” why your grandfather’s “contribution to his community” MADE you anything. It didn’t make me anything. Why are you different? (I think I just don’t like the word “made” – it seems like you had no choice.) You saw your grandfather DO something – it triggered a connection in you. Why? How?</p>

15

<p>I don’t know if people agree with this, but I’d leave off the “…and determined to go into the medical field.” at the end of the first one, unless you weave it into the essay a little more. It seems sort of tacked on and not quite related. Maybe you could talk about doctors without borders (if you do plan to be a doctor)–like an image of you doing that someday due to your grandfather’s influence?</p>

<p>The second essay seemed a bit cliched to me. I’d add some examples of specific research you’ve done or specific reasons you like to do research and want to continue to do research in the future. You could be more descriptive: describe the first time you saw cells under the microscope–how did it feel, what were you thinking, maybe who you were with.</p>

16

<p>wow_98: where are you applying? (you don’t have to say if you don’t want to, i’m just being nosy, lol)</p>

17

<p>i have to agree that they dont tell me much about you, and no offense but they are sort of boring. the research essay doesnt seem to click with me because it really seems like you are showing off and i dont think colleges really like that- rather write about the topic you are researching on and make them interested in the research, no nobel prize or other things
secondly the grandfather essay is good in the sense that i like the idea but you should write about one incident relating to your grandfather and its impact on you and/or him to make it more engaging and personal…</p>

18

<p>Like a couple of other posters have said, you need to show, not tell. </p>

<p>For example:</p>

<p>“My grandfather sported a toothy grin as his worn hands nailed the final board, marking the end of construction and the beginning of a new home and new opportunites for the recipent.”</p>

<p>Not:</p>

<p>“My grandfather enjoyed working with Habitat for Humanity. His favorite moment was when the house was completed.” </p>

<p>Talk more about yourself on that one. Give a paragraph or so about your grandfather, then move on to you. Maybe you volunteered together? That could be your transition.</p>

<p>Your research essay definitely shows some potential, but I would open it up with an in-depth description of, say, one of your favorite projects. Instead of saying you love it, say, “I peered into the microscope at the tissue sample, another world within ours coming to life” or something like that. I know nada about science, so I can’t help you there.</p>

19

<p>Thank you for all your wonderful suggestions (they’re excellent)- I am revising my essay, and I will post it again some other time.</p>