Critique my Common App mini essay?

<p>The 150 word essay...</p>

<p>Crisis committee. Even the name sounded intimidating. At the upcoming Model UN conference, I’d chosen to take part in the US Security Council of 1962: The Cuban Missile Crisis. Crisis was meant for more seasoned delegates; nevertheless, I’d done my research and written my paper like always. I felt prepared. Once I got there, however, I was completely blindsided by the other delegates’ unique and innovative strategies and ideas. It dawned on me that not only was their research thorough, but their approach to each topic was purposeful and original. In the following conferences I learned to become each role; to push aside my personal opinions and think in terms of what was best for the country I represented. Winning “Best Delegation” later that year was only part of the gratification; being able to adapt my perspective to different situations, not only in MUN but in real life as well, was my true reward.</p>

<p>I'm not looking to make it PERFECT, but it definitely could use some improvement. I'm especially bothered by the end for some reason. Any suggestions? Thanks!</p>

<p>Anyone??</p>

<p>you can critique right on the thread if you want, I don't mind it being public since it's only my short essay and it's no work of art :P</p>

<p>your problem with the end is that it borders on cliche, the last sentence is borderline cliche, change that out and it becomes much better. Overall it is pretty good, a bit plain, but then again I think this essay is just supposed to describe what you do in an EC.</p>

<p>The good:
It is cohesive and you have a good story arc: showing how you had a flaw ("over-self-confidence") which came into a conflict ("finding out you weren't so prepared after all") and overcoming the flaw to resolve the conflict. Very good for so few words.</p>

<p>The bad:
I totally agree with TheWikiMan.... it peters out at the end and falls off the edge with cliche. But have no fear, that is easily fixed.</p>

<p>Edits:</p>

<p>Crisis committee. Even the name sounded intimidating. At the upcoming [this essay is all past tense, so "upcoming" is not the right word here] Model UN conference, I’d chosen to take part in the US Security Council of 1962: The Cuban Missile Crisis. Crisis was meant for more seasoned delegates; nevertheless, [awkward - drop the "nevertheless and the punctuation here and make two crisp sentences] I’d done my research and written my paper like always. I felt prepared. Once I got there, however, I was completely blindsided by the other delegates’ unique and innovative strategies and ideas. It dawned on me that not only was their research thorough, but their approach to each topic was purposeful and original. In the following conferences I learned [much more powerful to say "They taught me"] to become each role; to push aside my personal opinions and think in terms of what was best for the country I represented. Winning “Best Delegation” later that year [later that year? - irrelevant to this... I'd drop this phrase - only a slight fib] was only part of the gratification; being able to adapt my perspective to different situations, not only in MUN but in real life as well, was my true reward. [ rewrite these last few words - avoid "real life" and "true reward"]</p>

<p>Summary:
Could be quite strong with just a few edits.</p>

<p>Thanks a lot!!! This really helped</p>