Hi everyone, this is my essay that will be used for fordham as well as other various schools. . any critiques would really help me- thanks alot.
<pre><code>The pen. This tool has to be one of our greatest achievements; we use one everyday for various activities such as writing shopping lists, balancing checkbooks and doing seemingly endless and laborious schoolwork. It holds an amazing amount of power in one solitary plastic tube. However you wield a pens power is up to you; whatever path you decide to take it on is a personal decision. My path was simple: story writing.
The pen I received as a gift at the age of four was like a blessing from God. That solitary stick of plastic and ink struck me as unimportant at first but even my young brain and limited comprehension began to unravel how magical it was. This moment I can proudly declare as my turning point in life – my turning point came prematurely but, because of this, my love for writing was allowed to develop over a longer period of time.
Torn and rumpled papers with coffee stains, frayed composition notebooks and leftover college-ruled school paper became prime targets for pen exploration as my writing years progressed. Slanted, droopy letters that seemed to careen down the page started to fix themselves on a line. My story ideas, the ideas that the pen let me explore, became more sophisticated as the years progressed and characters and plot lines were expanded. However, as time wore on and as my trail of ink seemed to fade away into boredom, I experienced the media. I saw the news, I saw what was happening outside of my window-- I began to take reality into consideration. My creative edge for storytelling was still bottled inside but now I wrote about real-life events and my pen and I began to explore this different dimension of writing.
Titles such as Tree Man from my very early years transformed into The Mysterious Car Theft on Weyman Avenue in my later youth. I still retained my creativity but factual information started seeping in, and my pen would trail across the page writing slightly fictional
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works of the latest headlines. It was at this time in my life, around 10 years old or so, that I realized I wanted to be a journalist for the New York Times. A far-fetched thought indeed but my pen and I liked to think big. From that point on, I couldnt stop writing. More and more
car theft-type stories popped up like daisies around the house and soon I was overwhelmed with sloppy scraps of paper that had sporadic nuggets of excellence. These nuggets would be thrown together to make a bigger and better story and my pen and I found this method to be useful. Somehow, I felt that this would instantly give me a job at the Times or any other well-known newspaper; I felt that if I could just throw together bits of information, my life would come together just like that story. I admit that I was a bit naive, but my pen and I always had high hopes. I would love to pursue my passion for writing at Fordham University. My road to journalism is only beginning and the endless trail of ink never ceases to fade.
<p>Here is what I think. I mean no offense, and I’m not an authoritative source.</p>
<p>1) I think it’s too short
2) I think it’s too impersonal, you need more emotion and more of yourself needs to shine through. I felt it was too dry.</p>
<p>The best essays I have read are a) Very personal, they bare out their soul and b) very detailed, in a good way. I don’t know what the prompt was or what the word limit was, so let me know.</p>
<p>yeah, the word limit for my colleges was 550 words so it goes just over that amount . . most every college’s essay requirement that I’ve applied to was “describe an event in your life that has shaped you” etc. .</p>
<p>I think you should change the “we” stuff at the beginning of the essay. Instead of saying “the pen is one of our greatest achievements” say something more direct and accurate, unless of course you invented the pen? I am assuming that your real essay has paragraph breaks, if not it should. Secondly, I stumbled over some syntax, “The pen I received as a gift at the age of four was like a blessing from God”. This sentence seems loaded without adding much to the meaning of your essay. Lastly always remember to show not tell. Over all I liked this essay – pretty creative. All you need is a few more reviews, and to get the length issue worked out. These are just some of my suggestions, I am certainly not a professional. Make sure you pick your revisions carefully to ensure the essay retains your voice. Good luck at Fordham.</p>
<p>thanks alot. . unfortunately I already sent my essay in so I can’t make any changes- I’m just interested in what people have to say… good luck to you too</p>
<p>It’s ok. It certainly has potential, but it is full of pitfalls. If you even do a web search and see the good, the bad and the risky-type essays from admissions officers. You will find that they don’t generally like vague lecturing generalities like you begin with:</p>
<p>“The pen. This tool has to be one of our greatest achievements; we use one everyday for various activities such as writing shopping lists, balancing checkbooks and doing seemingly endless and laborious schoolwork. It holds an amazing amount of power in one solitary plastic tube. However you wield a pens power is up to you; whatever path you decide to take it on is a personal decision.” --This can all go.</p>
<p>I’m not sure about the “you and you pen” affectation. I supposed it works, but you write in the passive voice too much. You don’t give rich detail. You just list titles of stories. I don’t like use use of “nuggets” in quotes.</p>
<p>Sorry if my post was to critical of your essay. Like bettina said, it definitely has potential. You just have to develop the relationship between you and the pen, and show more of yourself. You have the concept right, you just need to work on the sentences. Try rewriting from scratch and give yourself 7 minutes to compose the essay without stopping. Writing what is on your mind without thinking will give you insight into the effect of the pen and your love of journalism. Also, I would recommend using the essay service here on CC. Last year I bought an hour of CC service and I saw miracles on my work. Let me know if you need any more help.</p>
<p>I think it is funny that you sent in your essay already. I did the same thing when I applied early to NYU. I let everyone critique it after I sent it. Good luck, I guess.</p>