Critique my UC Essay (Prompt 1) Please

<p>College Essay</p>

<p>The World I come From by mgmtlol</p>

<pre><code> The world I come from is quite interesting and spectacular in my regard. My name is mgmtlol, and I am a senior at JSerra Catholic High School and currently reside in Orange County, California.

When I was younger my life was much different than my peers. My father suffered a heart attack when I was five (5) years old and my little sister was two (2) years old. Our world quickly changed.

Growing up in a mainly caucasian neighborhood with a full-time working single African American mother was challenging. My mother is a true inspiration to me as an African American single mother, always pushing the boundaries just for her children to have a better life. These characteristics of putting others before myself come straight from my selfless Mother. Growing up, race confusion was always alarming to me as many people would speak with a racist undertone around me that was quite upsetting. My approach to this issue was simplistic and peaceful, for I know from history that ignorance is bliss. I often envisioned myself as a leader especially when it came to issues regarding inequality and hatred.

My first real traumatic event occurred at the age of six years old were I became “the man of the house,” as my mother said on the day my young sister was diagnosed with Febrile Seizures. The seizures began wrathfully. I always had faith and hope that she would be alright when these seizures struck. For I knew that a hopeful optimistic attitude was not just needed for me but more importantly for my sister, the one actually dealing with these horrible seizures.
Through my adolescents, I started to begin to get further fascinated with my interests. Mostly ranging from science to history and even general areas like business and math. I began to absorb knowledge on my own time outside of school. My step-father entered my life eight (8) years ago. He is a very hard-working man who is my hero. His excellent math and business skills rubbed onto me to become the young man I am today. Becoming his protege, I have learned the art of business and communication skills. The climax of these interests became hands on the summer of 2011 when I decided to open and run my own kiosk located at our local mall. As my first business I must say it was quite enjoyable as I strengthened my communication skills and I learned more of the in’s and out’s of running a business. My business was successful and I tripled my savings in one summer. Soon many other kiosks opened with a very similar concepts as I. It felt quite amazing to have my own business and succeed! I will never forget the summer I opened my first business.
Once you start business it’s hard not to continue. During the school year I have spent my free time designing computer apps. I enjoy creating and working in challenging environments. I plan to open the balloon kiosks at two (2) locations over Christmas break 2011.
My goals vary, but basically I want to be the best person I can be going into my adult life. Someone who is not a follower but a leader willing to help those in need. Someone who takes charge without prompting. I will work hard to accomplish great things. I can promise this to you, if given the chance I am the type of student who will thrive in your campus environment. I will work hard to become the best I can be.
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<p>I think you should focus more what made you interested in business since the kiosk is what most sets you apart. You talk things that effected you but don’t go into enough depth in explaining how it effected you. It has a lot of potential but it would be more effective if it deeply developed one thing rather than just touch on a couple.</p>