<p>It’s 164 words long, won’t take longer than 5 minutes to read and 10 minutes to write something, so please feel free to hammer it or do anything if you have some spare time
BTW, this is such a unique experience that I’m not afraid of plagiarizing at all.</p>
<p>Please briefly elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience). Attach your response on a separate sheet (150 words or fewer).</p>
<pre><code> Discarding the last hotchpotch of agglomerated panda poop and jagged bamboo debris from a bottom-rusted dustpan, I glanced at my trainer with admiration for doing so in this Wolong Natural Reserve over twenty years for minimal wages. Discovering my gaze, he handed the panda last bit of carrot and awarded me a ten-minute break from the pouring rain for my swift finish. I sat in the resting room fully soaked, drying my gloves above the stove while regurgitating the diary he showed me. He wrote, It bitted my calf and just wouldnt let go, I could have smacked it with training rod but wasnt able to, I simply couldnt Its hard to love you panda, really. Devotion is not all about rewards, without the belief nothing can last. In our case, we wake at six training, feeding, cleaning, giving prenatal care, and touring not for anything, but for the thrilling drive of contributing something to the world and saving 20% of a race.
</code></pre>
<p>I don’t know anything about these questions in particular, but I’ll look at this just like a paragraph.</p>
<p>I think the first sentence is awkward grammatically. you have this big long “ing” (gerund?) and at first I thought all those words were random. the words “poop” “jagged” and "debris don’t put me in a good mood, and definitely pop out. maybe rather than describing it using creative terminology, you could describe the color, size, texture, etc. of the debris so we can envision it. that description makes me think of a piece of art or something, but given the setting I think you should go for something more rustic. also “for doing so” is not the best way to put it, in my opinion. start out the paragraph with more statements, perhaps.</p>
<p>with us talking about “panda poop” I thought of regurgitating the diary as something to actually do with vomit. I am not even sure what you are trying to describe. you are reading it aloud? your long line of verbs in the second to last line doesnt exactly work, I think. you could try using “to train, to feed, to clean, to give prenatal care, and to tour motivated only by…” finally, I think it would be more accurately a species than a race- that sounds more scientific anyway.</p>
<p>I hope this helps, or at least doesn’t hurt. I think you chose really good things to capture. I enjoy the way the action moves from the field, to inside, to a global statement.</p>
<p>I didn’t realize you were supposed to explain like that, I was gunna just write something like “I did this sport, and I went to this meet and that meet and achieved this and that, etc.”</p>
<p>Thx so much for the reply! I decided to cut most of the morales and themes to clinch the topic “elaboration” a little bit more. Here comes my second draft, it’s way too long and if someone may make it subtle I would be so thankful :-)</p>
<p>June 24th, 2006. Heavy cloudburst.
Surrounded by the verdant bamboos and sheering mountains and canyons, the Wolong Natural Reserve in Sichuan has created an emerald dream for the nearly extinct creature, the giant panda. I arrived eight days ago as a volunteer, one full of excitement and respect, to assist their dreams. I dressed up as usual in the brown employee robe and the rubber boots before the sun even rose and started a new day of work. After the sterilizing pit, my trainer and I carried the trolley full of bamboos and other provisions in buckets toward our four enclosures. The rain didn’t affect the pandas much—they were still excitedly rattled and banged the fences as their own ways of welcome. As usual my trainer tackles the technical task in feeding and training, while I am to clean their enclosures. Drenched in the mud, I first gathered long, jagged ever-green bamboo stalks, grab them up to chest-high, squeeze back and load them on the trolley like soldiers loading arrows. Then the lemon-shaped, scale-surfaced excrements were scooped onto the dustpan and were carefully stacked upon the sewage-dipping stalks. After that I sweep through every inch of the sludge to ensure no residues were left over. When four eighty-square-meter areas were done, all the debris loaded and discarded, my trainer and I sat in the resting room fully soaked, drying our gloves above the stove. The whole process would repeat after lunch. Filthy? There is nothing more thrilling than to contribute in saving 20% of a species.</p>
<p>It is pretty good. I edited words and sentences and showed their changes with parenthesis. I omitted irrelevent sentences and words with (_). </p>
<p>Take this advice with a grain of salt, I only changed what I thought sounded awkward to my ears.</p>
<p>Surrounded by the verdant bamboos and sheering mountains and canyons, the Wolong Natural Reserve in Sichuan has created an emerald dream for the nearly extinct creature, the giant panda. I arrived eight days ago as a volunteer, one full of excitement and respect, to assist their dreams (Whose dreams? The pandas? The Reserve?). I dressed up (<em>) in (my) brown employee robe and rubber boots before the sun even rose and started a new day of work. After the sterilizing pit, my trainer and I carried the trolley full of bamboos and other provisions in buckets toward our four enclosures. The rain didn’t affect the pandas much—they were still excitedly rattled and banged the fences as their own ways of welcome. (</em>) .Drenched in the mud, I first gathered long, (<em>) (another synonym for green) bamboo stalks, (</em>), (squeezed) back and (loaded) them on the trolley like soldiers loading arrows. Then the lemon-shaped (_) excrements were scooped onto the dustpan and were carefully stacked upon the sewage-dipping stalks. After that I (swept) through every inch of the sludge to ensure no residues were left over. When four eighty-square-meter areas were done, all the debris loaded and discarded, my trainer and I sat in the resting room fully soaked, drying our gloves above the stove. The whole process would repeat (even) after lunch. Filthy? There is nothing more thrilling than saving 20% of a species. (Or you could use “There is nothing filthy in saving 20% of a species.”).</p>
<p>“Verdant bamboos” and “sheering mountains and canyons” is rather redundant. What other colour would bamboo be? </p>
<p>Simplify where you can and don’t use a big word where a smaller word would do just the same. You will come across as pretentious. You’ll be surprised by how much stronger a paragraph becomes when you break long sentences into two or three shorter, more compact ones. </p>
<p>Also, what exactly does “emerald dream” mean? What does the “one” in “one full of excitement and respect” refer to? It seems almost as if you’re referring to “eight days.”</p>
