<p>My D was just notified about a crowdfunding site for a high school classmate. She is going to grad school 9 hours from her fiance, so they want people to donate to their travel fund so they can see each other. D was floored - as she says, thousands of people figure out a way to make long distance relationships work without begging for money from friends. The fiance has a good job. Not that it’s her parents’ job to finance their adult daughter’s life, but they are loaded. Not quite sure who is going to give the couple money, but it sure won’t be my D. </p>
<p>Begging has become very popular lately. Maybe I’ll do that when I retire from my first job :D. I was literary begged by 3 people in a row in one day, unbelievable. I must have the sucker face as one of my daughter told me(jokingly of course) because I never wore fancy clothes any where. I was more dressing like one of the bums.</p>
<p>That’s said I did see a sister of D1’s friend had a website for pre wedding trip like massage, restaurants and such, perhaps this is for her immediate family. This person comes from a reasonably wealthy family and her soon to be husband has been working for years at the company that is now a verb for everybody like in google it. It must be a new trend.</p>
<p>I didn’t see any problem with donating money to honeymoon and such, my husband and I gave money to his niece’s honeymoon package because we couldn’t travel for a long trip in a short time, we don’t have the health and the vacation, so we thought we could be generous. We technically gave them our airfare equivalent.</p>
<p>Nrdsb4,
Your last post expresses my feelings perfectly. And, I’m sorry if it offends anyone but i AM judging people who exploit their friends, family, acquaintances and strangers by putting them on the spot for a donation. It IS shameful because a fancy wedding is NOT a life or death need. It is a want. There are times in life when you may really need to ask others for help. My family has been fortunate in that we have never needed to do that. We had tight times and times when we really needed to pay close attention to every expense. We had many years when camping in the woods for 11 dollars a night was our vacation and once planned a vacation to a hotel in NH that we had to cancel the week before due to cash flow problems. I don’t consider any of that to be an emergency and would have died a thousand deaths before I asked someone to give me money so that i could go on a vacation. It’s about pride. Nobody deserves a vacation or a grand wedding or a chess camp. Suck it up and do what you can with what you have. The wedding is only one day but your ego and sense of self esteem is forever.</p>
<p>Why would their self esteem be tarnished when they don’t give a damn what you think?</p>
<p>I will repeat “Shameless people do shameless things.”</p>
<p>I have less of a problem giving a wedding gift off a gift registry or even a honeymoon registry as good will to get someone started in life. I feel asking for money to fund an extravagant wedding is extremely tacky. Young married people do usually need pots and pans and such and I’m happy to give a gift or a check which has no strings attached if I get the sense the couple is good in that area and deficient in honeymoon funds. I feel that is different than being hit up for a party with expensive and unnecessary trimmings, which often comes off as some kind of show that has nothing to do with joining two lives together. But I’m also a person who was appalled to hear that there is an expectation that guests “cover the plate” with their gift rather than seeing a gift as an optional gesture of good will which would in all likelihood be commensurate with that individual guest’s budget and which wouldn’t necessarily line up with the per plate budget of someone potentially far more affluent.</p>
<p>And Niquii, your last statement is unfortunately true and borne out by some of the stories I’m reading here. A crowdfunding solicitation for hanging out with the long distance boyfriend? Really?!</p>
<p>If I was the mother of any of these people, they would be getting a tongue lashing that would leave quite an impression.</p>
<p>As someone planning to marry within the next few years, I find crowdfunding of weddings and honeymoons to be very tacky. Your friends and guests are not there to see that you get “the wedding of your dreams”; they are there to see you join in a lifelong union. It’s your job to offer them hospitality, not the other way around. If a friend comes to you on their own initiative and asks to help in light of extenuating circumstances (i.e. providing food for the reception of an impoverished young couple), that’s another story, but you do not solicit for it. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it. </p>
<p>With regard to travel registries, an acquaintance of mine was married recently. They asked people to pay for their honeymoon:</p>
<p>“We don’t need any more stuff. We really don’t. We live together and own all the typical things one would need in a home. […] We are planning an epic honeymoon trip and your help would be much appreciated.”</p>
<p>I’m not sure if they realized how tone deaf they sounded, but a person with everything they need who wants “an epic honeymoon trip” doesn’t strike me as someone in need of financial assistance. Maybe I’m biased because my parents had the church-basement wedding they could afford and took their honeymoon on one of my dad’s trips as a long-haul trucker in the 1970s. I also see no problem in giving cash if that is what the giver decides to do. But asking someone else to pay for you to go and drink beer in Ireland or upgrade to first class when you clearly have a lot of financial wherewithal? Nope. </p>
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<p>If I were the mother, I would die of embarrassment. There are some things that one can pass off as coming from another tradition, such as collecting money at the wedding. (The first I ever knew of such a thing was when I saw The Godfather. 
) There are things that one can remedy, such as offering to pay for the liquor if the other family suggests a cash bar. I would be able to make elaborate wedding cakes and favors, cook the food, arrange the flowers, whatever. But if my kid and his SO wanted to beg for money…</p>
<p>You know, I really would have no problem if a person resorted to this for necessary medical treatment for a family member or pet that they could not otherwise provide. I would have no problem contributing to the crucial car repair mentioned above if it would help a person trying to get on their feet take a job. But to throw a self-aggrandizing, vulgar wedding? No way in hell.</p>
<p>Really, what a way to start off married life. What message does it send to this couple when others step in and finance something that they can’t afford? Basically it says that other people will pick up the bills and indulge their fantasy lifestyle. Bad message that will only lead to heartache. </p>
<p>When I was first out of college I can remember numerous “friends” that would always show up at group dinners or other gatherings but had always “forgotten their wallet” or simply just asked the group to “spot” them their share. Of course the debt was always conveniently forgotten leaving the lenders in the dubious position of asking for the re-payment of a small sum of $. Most of us didn’t bother asking. I do not like these sorts of people and do my best to avoid them.</p>
<p>I worked with a couple like this many years ago. They were already living together when they got engaged and were in the habit of buying whatever they wanted, so it was no surprise when the bride admitted they didn’t really need anything. They made it clear to everyone that they preferred cash to wedding gifts and chortled that they registered for expensive gifts just so any that were bought could be returned for the cash. Even their closest friends found their behavior distasteful. It didn’t help that a lot of this boastful activity took place at work. When the relationship blew up, which it did before the wedding, it was a nasty, nasty mess. Our bosses had lost all respect for them. Both ended up leaving the company a short time later. What stuck with me, though, is the difference between what this couples’ friends (including our supervisors) were saying TO them and what they were saying ABOUT them when they weren’t present. </p>
<p>Cardinal Fang is correct about the effect this behavior can have on your career. Young people may feel that society’s traditions don’t apply to them; certainly many feel no shame in posting questionable personal details on social media sites, but violating the “unspoken” rules of society can hurt you. What some are terming “resourceful,” others would call living beyond your means and possibly attribute it to poor planning, laziness, an unwillingness to work for what you want, and an unhealthy need for instant gratification. If I was an employer, especially one whose employees had access to money or financial accounts, any or all of those traits would make me reluctant to take a chance on you. </p>
<p>Sigh. Fwiw, we are having a wedding and honeymoon that are completely, 100% within our budget. We are NOT relying on people’s gifts to pay for anything. We’re doing everything under the assumption that we will get NO money and anything we do get will be a happy surprise. </p>
<p>Not everyone who asks for cash in lieu of gifts is greedy and selfish. I already explained why we’re asking for cash instead of gifts and it is NOT for any of the reasons that people are assuming on here. I’ve been posting on here for years and most people know that I am a very simple person with very simple tastes. We’re getting married outside, on a beach, essentially in my parent’s front yard. My dress is coming off a clearance rack. Our honeymoon is probably going to be a cheap Carnival cruise. We’re asking for cash instead of gifts because, frankly, we just don’t have anyone to put gifts and we’ll have to then ship them all to wherever we’re living. </p>
<p>I think people judge others too much. If you don’t want to give cash, that’s fine- don’t. If my guests don’t give us anything, I certainly won’t think anything less of them. I just want them to be there. I just thought that gifts were supposed to be about the recipient and not the giver. If the recipient wants cash, I guess I just don’t see what’s wrong with that. I’'ve been to many weddings where the couple wanted cash for whatever reason and I’ve never thought twice about it- neither have my parents so it’s not just a generational thing. To each their own, I just wish people would be a little less judgmental about this and all things just because someone is doing something that is not what you would choose for yourself or your family. </p>
<p>^^^^Romani, have you publicized a GoFundMe site for an extravagant wedding which you cannot afford but want anyway at the expense of guests (and others who are not even invited) rather than bestowing hospitality upon your guests within your own doable budget?</p>
<p>That’s what I am finding tacky, self-indulgent, and not indicative of good things to come. I’m not thinking we are talking about the same thing.</p>
<p>I don’t have a problem with a couple requesting cash or requesting contributions to the honeymoon. The assumption is that people WILL be giving a gift and even if the couple asks for cash, it is still up to the guest to decide how much, if any, they are comfortable giving. I would rather give something that is genuinely helpful than not. That is VERY different from asking for people to help pay for your wedding. Very different.</p>
<p>No, I don’t have a GoFundMe. (I actually have nothing set up yet- I’m still trying to figure out what options are available to me). Fwiw, I wasn’t referring to you, nrdsb. I was talking to people on here who think it’s tacky for anyone to dare ask for cash (in any form) in lieu of other gifts.</p>
<p>I agreed from the very beginning that GoFundMe (or whatever) isn’t appropriate to fund a wedding because you want more than you can afford. What I have issue with are those who think it’s “tacky” to request money in any way rather than gifts. I’ve seen that sentiment not only from certain posters on this thread but on pretty much every related wedding thread I’ve ever read on here. </p>
<p>All I’m trying to do is explain to those posters why someone might request money instead of stuff because the only reason, it seems to them, is because the people are trying to live beyond their means. </p>
<p>Well, I think everyone understands why people prefer cash to gifts. Geez. Ask almost any kid after a birthday party if they would prefer a pile of cash and a personal shopping spree to the assortment of junk they just unwrapped. I think this one is tricky and if it’s people you are close to it makes some sense. However, if it’s one of those big parties where random invitations go out to everyone in the class I would find it much worse than tacky if the invitation indicated that the birthday child preferred cash because they already had enough toys. lol. But, none of that has much to do with crowdfunding which I do think is here to stay because it works and beggars don’t care about perceived tackiness. They care about the donation totals, only. </p>
<p>Romani, in your case, putting the explanation you gave us on your wedding website along with the directions where other people might put their registry info would be, IMHO, perfectly fine. </p>
<p>That is VERY different from resorting to GoFundMe to pay for a wedding you can’t afford, something that you would never, ever do, I’m sure.</p>
<p>No. These two things are not related. Especially with Romani’s circumstances, requesting that guests give cash is helping both Romani and the guests. I think the way that the request is delivered is important and perhaps people on other threads were objecting to the delivery method of the message, I don’t know. But I tend to be very judgmental in regard to manners (sorry, I had a crazy upbringing) and I think what Romani is doing is fine.</p>
<p>Exactly. When I give a gift, I want it to be something that the couple can enjoy or find useful. Registries or requests like described above (not the gofundme panhandling) are helpful since they give pointers in the right direction. </p>
<p>I think what Romani is doing is different than most of the social media fundraising I’ve seen. I apologize for not stating that earlier because I had intended to…</p>
<p>I got married a few months after college graduation too, and most of our family and friends gave us checks. We lived in a matchbox sized apartment at the time, and I suspect that my husband’s mom clued family and friends who asked what we wanted or needed in to that. I think what Romani is doing is similar to that, handled in a different way perhaps, but a similar sort of situation.</p>
<p>A client of DH’s gave us a check for 3K right before the wedding. We were doing a bare bones honeymoon, and this helped immensely. We would have been fine without it, but it certainly bought us some lovely meals, champagne, and lift tickets to the ski resort we were honeymooning at (staying for free at FIL’s place in Utah). My Dad, an AA flight instructor, chipped in for free air fare. </p>
<p>There’s nothing wrong with sharing bounty with newlyweds who are likely not able to do many of these things, but I think we can all discern the differences between that and what the article references.</p>