<p>I’m a longtime lurker and I also used to post under a different name back when I was applying to college years ago. I stick around for fun, but you folks always provide great advice here in the cafe and I thought I’d ask about an issue I’ve struggled with my whole life.</p>
<p>The issue is that I cry really easily, often over things that I am not actually upset about–it’s a physical reaction that I can’t control, and it usually happens when I confront or talk to an authority figure, like a teacher or professor. It’s usually some form of criticism, but most of the time I deal with criticism just fine–it’s pretty unpredictable. Whenever it happens, people tell me it’s no big deal, don’t worry, etc., but I’m NOT worried, and I DON’T think it’s a big deal that’s worth crying about–I just can’t help the physical reaction, even if I’m pretty calm in my head. I am not depressed, I have high self-esteem, and I consider myself a pretty laid back, non-stressed person. I am not afraid of authority figures, at least consciously. This has been happening since I was a little kid. I would go ask a teacher about a test question I got wrong for clarification purposes, tear up in the confrontation, and the teacher would think that I was upset over my (usually excellent) grade. I wasn’t upset about the grade–something in the conversation would trigger the tear ducts and I just couldn’t help it. My voice gets raspy and starts to break, and my eyes start to water, and it’s very embarrassing.</p>
<p>I am looking for strategies to prevent crying in the situations where I feel it coming on. I have an important oral exam coming up–my PhD qualifying exam–and though I feel very prepared, I am really worried that this will happen because the point of such an exam is to push students to the limit of their knowledge. </p>
<p>Has anyone else dealt with this? If so, have you developed any strategies that help? I read that pinching the bridge of my nose or causing another physical distraction like pinching myself might work.</p>
<p>Well , I really have no answer. I have this to a mild degree and I have found getting less sleep makes it much worse. I also try to prepare my self if I know some situation is coming. I have a paper with notes ready, I bring in a notebook and write, and I have a talk with myself that it is not the end of the world no matter what the outcome. Through the years this has helped , yes the tears come driving home but this is an improvement for me.</p>
<p>I 100% concur with the not being tired recommendation. Also, get some exercise so you don’t have pent up energy in your body. Also, for me, if my eyes are at all dry, my body uses emotional opportunities to finally flood them with natural tears (ah, relief). I find if I keep my eyes really moist (like use eye drops multiple times per day), I don’t puddle up nearly as much.</p>
<p>You may actually be crying because you are angry or frustrated. People often do and they don’t know that’s what it is. Good luck. Try to find some positive way to induce a humorous thought about it into your head like “Oh, must be pissed off at this guy and I don’t even know it.” Something to lighten your thoughts. It may be a bit late for this time, but you can see someone about this to get it under control if need be. it would be an easy fix in therapy, particularly with CBT.</p>
<p>Heck, you could just flat out warn them at the start of the orals. “I have this crying thing that happens when I am defending myself. Try your best to ignore it.” Sometimes just saying it out loud will make the power go away.</p>
<p>I used to have that problem. Once I went to court for a pretty Minor traffic violation, and when I went up to see the judge I started crying and simply couldn’t stop. I was mortified. I cried at AT&T commercials. I cried, only sometimes, when someone said something to me that wasn’t even particularly bad by any measure. I was thinking of being a lawyer and my inability to prevent myself from crying probably influence my choice to not go down that path. Unfortunately, going through a pretty nasty divorce (which I don’t wish on anyone) and age are what helped me get over most of it.
I like the warning idea. I used to tell people that if I looked like I was going to cry, DO NOT ask me “what’s the matter?” Because it would cause the faucet to flow. Good luck. </p>
<p>I feel for you. Sleep and exercise are both very helpful- I think it’s a hormone thing with me since it doesn’t always happen. Mine is absolutely triggered by frustration, anger, and stress. If I feel it coming on I stop talking, look to the side, count by 2s, 3s, 5s, or something(in my head), long enough to distract my surface emotions into submission, then look back and continue with the conversation. It takes me about 5-10 seconds to get back on track. Good luck on your oral exams- btdt years ago- it is extremely stressful, but you will do just fine if you’re prepared!</p>
<p>What else you might try, ( love your screename btw) is watch a teary movie the night before a presentation that is making you anxious, to maybe get it out of your system.</p>
<p>Oh, I so sympathize. I have had this issue my whole life. My H has finally realized it’s not on purpose, it’s not manipulative, and it will go away if he just doesn’t mention it.</p>
<p>“What’s the matter?” is the kiss of death. I can usually keep tears from falling if they’re just ignored. </p>
<p>I wish I could offer some concrete advice. Mine is usually to avoid any confrontation that might lead to them. Or if not, to at least talk myself through ahead of time so I’m prepared to divert the situation ahead of time.</p>
<p>I’m sure it’s a physical thing–there was a time in life when I wished I could just have my tear glands removed. :(</p>
<p>Can you have some folks grill you hard in a rehearsal/mock defense, to help you try to gird yourself? Does that help at all? I know that I used cry more easily than I do now and it IS unfortunately perceived as manipulative or weak. I’d try to over-prepare and also warn those you’re presenting before that you “have dry eyes that make you susceptible to crying and it has NOTHING whatsoever to do with the issues at hand and please disregard this physical health issue that is being optimally treated under doctor’s care.” </p>
<p>I agree that looking away and focusing on something else (which you should also practice until you master) can help give you time to regain your composure. </p>
<p>Something I learned here on CC is to look up, with your eyes only. Like don’t move your head; just look up. Another thing that helps is thinking about something you don’t care about; sports, in my case. A third suggestion is to eat ahead of time, preferably something with protein. Low blood sugar can trigger crying. I’m a very emotional person and I don’t like it, but it’s better than being a sociopath.</p>
<p>This happens to me when I am in a confrontational situation (sometimes). I have always attributed it to my childhood environment. I am the youngest of four raised in a home where there was a lot of disfunction and yelling. Two of my older siblings would put me down when I expressed an opinion or tried to contribute to a conversation so I learned to stay quiet.</p>
<p>I have gotten better as I’ve gotten older but found myself tearing up in two different work situations last year. It was horrifying because in one of the situations I really didn’t care that much about what we were arguing about but it looked like I did.</p>
<p>One thing you could do, in some situations, is to have email correspondence when you have an issue. I know it isn’t ideal but might be a way to handle some of the confrontations that would otherwise lead to tears.</p>
<p>I think the e-mail idea is good, even if just to introduce something, like “I’d like to talk with you about____”. That way, you’ve already said the emotional part.</p>
<p>I wish you the best. I’m at worst when illl, tired or hungry. Mid morning protein snacks help tremendously. I think mine comes from childhood experiences, recognizing that fact has helped me. I will say I do not have hypertension and amazingly am cool and calm under extreme stress.i also will say ignore the tears, they don’t mean anything. </p>
<p>While I don’t usually tear up unexpectedly, my voice gets quivery very easily. I have to practice reading emotion-filled passages aloud.
What I have never found a solution for is sudden emotion-filled interactions with my students. I don’t actually cry but my voice is no longer a “teacher voice”. It gets teary before my eyes do.</p>
<p>My mother was a “candy striper” high school volunteer meeting planes of wounded military personnel during WWII. Her Dad was active duty Navy overseas. The girls would circulate and bring snacks, light cigarettes, take dictation of letters, play cards, etc. to distract the wounded GIs in Honolulu before they got shipped stateside.</p>
<p>She told me that she had to learn to just “buck up” and not let others see your distress. I never figured out how to do that…I guess you learn more during times of stress.</p>
<p>I have certain issues that just bring out emotion in me. One is parents rejecting kids with gender-identity issues. I’m a psychologist and have worked with so many suicidal young people dealing with this. I guess I just can’t shrug it off or harden myself to it.</p>
<p>OP, please consider toastmasters as well. It’s an organization that can boost your skills and confidence in public speaking, which may help with tearing and crying as well. It has helped several family members a great deal. </p>
<p>this may sound extreme, but you may be having a PTSD-like experience that triggers excessive crying or easy-trigger crying. </p>
<p>I was physically assaulted by strangers when I was 4 years old. Since then, I startle very easily and cry very easily. </p>
<p>As someone mentioned above, the same thing can happen if you were raised in a dysfunctional home…yelling, raging, verbal abuse, etc. My H has only recently understood that his dad’s unpredictable rages when H was growing up has affected him in a deeper way than he realized. And, for many years, H never even thought that his dad was abusive or that his home was extremely dysfunctional…because like most abusive parents, his dad had many “good days”…which can confuse people into thinking that “oh, dad wasn’t so bad.”</p>
<p>I’m usually not like this (though I was very sensitive and cried a lot in elementary school. . .) As an adult, for me this type of reaction has always been hormone-related. PMS, pregnancy (sometimes I realized I was pregnant just because I started crying at something like a song/story I heard on the radio. . .) and now, menopause. Now, even sappy commercials get tears flowing. I also have some bad memories that will set me off if they are triggered. Sometimes I just take a deep breath and try to “put myself somewhere else.” I look up so the tears don’t drip.
Before you go into the situation you dread, imagine the worst that could happen. Picture yourself playing the role of the new recruit being verbally abused by the drill sergeant–you are tough, and cool, looking straight ahead, with your chin up saying, “Yes, sir, Sir,” while he rips you to shreds/calls you every name in the book. . . </p>
<p>OP here. Thanks, all, for all of the tips, and for sharing your own experiences. It’s nice to know that there are other people out there with a similar issue.</p>
<p>I will definitely try some of these tips–looking up, counting, etc. I have a mock exam tomorrow, which will be helpful, but I don’t think I’d have the same reaction with the audience there, who will be mostly fellow students.</p>
<p>I don’t really think it’s any kind of trauma–I was fortunate to grow up in an pretty happy, close-knit, very functional family. Not much yelling there. I can’t think of anything else.</p>
<p>I am actually totally fine with public speaking–it tends to be one-on-one situations where I get emotional.</p>
<p>@garland–“What’s the matter?” is the WORST. I just want people to ignore it.</p>