<p>A perspective from the other side of the pond…</p>
<p>I’ve always thought that part of growing up is learning when to say to your parents “I am” not “can I”. For me, that point came at about 18/19, a few months before I left home. Now, at 21 I have been living completely independently of my parents for over 2 years, including a 6 month stint on the other side of the world. My dad occasionally makes jokes about cutting off the money if I don’t do x, and which point my reply is (with a big grin on my face) “what money?” (it’s a completely different system for funding university education here, and the government gives me all I need to live off). I go home to see my parents over the holidays, and I can’t imagine them trying to lay down the law (if I they did, they know I’d just go back to my house). </p>
<p>In the UK (or at the very least, in white British culture), people are fundamentally expected to be adults and act like it from 18. One of the most striking things for me is how parents on CC tend to refer to their adult offspring as “children”, and treat them as such. There’s no fundamental reason why Americans cannot act like adults until later than their European counterparts, so it is entirely a cultural thing.</p>
<p>I have most frequently often heard “my house, my rules” invoked in situations that can arise when a child is older, perhaps over 18 or out of the house. The young adut thinks they can do “whatever they want” because they are independent and have freedom when they are not at home. For example, someone who is home from college, but insists on staying out until 3 am disrupting everyone’s sleep. Or wanting the GF to spend the night in his room, rather than a guest room. </p>
<p>I don’t like the expression in any case - IMO it’s good to send kids the message that it is and always will be their home, too.</p>
<p>No, it’s not cultural. It’s economic. In the US, parents pay for tertiary education, not the state. It’s the Golden Rule: he who has the gold, makes the rules. The state pays for your livelihood so you don’t need your parents to the same extent. I’m not sure that makes you more “adult.”</p>
<p>It also depends on what you mean by “acting like adults.” Many middle-class US students work long hours at jobs in addition to going to university, or instead of a gap year, they work to pay for school. How many middle-class students in the UK work while going to university?</p>
<p>I’m not saying that parents should never let go. Of course they should. But it seems like in most scenarios, the children believe that they’re ready to be independent no matter what their age. Almost every child over the age of 14 believes that they deserve more independence. The parents are the best ones who can determine when it’s appropriate to give the child certain privelages or when it’s important to let the child become more independent in some aspects. I don’t like using 18 as an age where the child should automatically become more independent in many aspects, because some people mature before 18, and some mature afterwards.</p>
<p>Let me make myself more clear. Obviously, if a child is living outside of the house, they’re not going to call their parents to ask about things like whether they can go out. But I find that sometimes there is a situation that proceeds like this: Child A is in college. He/she knows that his/her parents won’t approve of something that he’she wants to do. He/she asks for advice on convincing said parents. Most people advice he/she to simply tell the parents “This is what I’m doing,” because they’re an adult and don’t need the parents’ approval. Even worse, I sometimes hear people directly say “you’re an adult, so your parent can’t hold anything against you fincance-wise, so simply tell them what your decision is.” As if your parents not providing for you anymore makes their opinion mute.
I don’t think the parents should be brushed off so easily to the extent that you can simply tell them “This is what I’m doing regardless of whether you like it.”</p>
<p>This was where my question came from. Obviously, I’m seeing that’s not always the case here, as many on this thread have said that, though they themselves make final decisions, they still value their parents’ input.</p>
<p>
Yes, that’s what I was saying. Although I don’t think “white parents” is the right way to categorize it, since it’s not always white parents, and it’s not applicable to all white parents.</p>
<p>"As if your parents not providing for you anymore makes their opinion mute. I don’t think the parents should be brushed off so easily to the extent that you can simply tell them “This is what I’m doing regardless of whether you like it.”</p>
<p>Well, I guess here’s where we disagree. As an independent adult, it is MY life and my decision. I am fine with hearing people’s opinion as another point of view, but ultimately I am going to make the final decision, regardless of whether my parents or any other person likes it or not (the only exception would be if I were married or in a serious relationship - then, if I share my life with someone, of course I can’t just entirely make unilateral decisions). Ultimately, when it affects my life, it’s going to be my decision. To me, that’s the wonderful thing about being an adult - living by your own values and making your own choices.</p>
<p>“Then whose decision is it?”
The ADULT child’s decision.</p>
<p>Unless your relationship with your parents, or whoever, giving advice are those you don’t want to hear ANYTHING from, I don’t see an issue about parents having input. As a parent, I’ll be giving my opinion to my kids for the rest of their lives. I still get it from my mother, and I have adult kids of my own. I also get advice and opinions from my kids. It’s a two way street hear. I don’t shut out too many opinions most of the time, but doesn’t mean I’ll take any of the advice, but then again, I might I get a lot of ideas that way, and to shut off that source seems to be short sighted and narrow minded, unless the source has been way problematic and you don’t want to deal with those people any more. But telling parents to butt out has been an issue as old as time, and I seriously doubt that parents will remain mute about their adult children’s live regardless.</p>
<p>cptofthehouse, I agree completely with what you say - I am happy to hear and consider advice, but the final decision is just going to be my own, regardless of whether or not the party giving the advice likes that.</p>
<p>I don’t think you ever explained why you believe this is true. </p>
<p>Most would agree with you for younger children. Obviously, parents should make their kids go to school, brush their teeth, eat their vegetables, etc. whether the kids like it or not. </p>
<p>But as the kid gets older things become murkier. Should you, for example, become a doctor just because your parents told you to? What if you are passionate about history and don’t care whether you live in a nice house with two cars? Galileo’s father wanted his son to become a doctor. George Handel’s father forbade his son to play any instruments because he wanted him to become a lawyer. Should they have listened to their parents? Maybe they would have been great in their parents’ chosen fields, maybe not. Could their parents have known that their sons would go on to achieve great things in physics and music? I doubt it. At some point they decided to follow their own path and in general, living someone else’s dream is a poor strategy for living a fulfilling life. Especially in American culture, college students are expected to direct their own lives (in other words, grow up). Mistake or not, the final decision is the kid’s.</p>
<p>If you look through the news, you can find plenty of examples of horrendous parenting. What if your parents happen to be racists, violent, etc. and want you to continue their ways? Would you still insist that, even if the kid happens to disagree with his or her parents, the parents know best?</p>
<p>“If you look through the news, you can find plenty of examples of horrendous parenting. What if your parents happen to be racists, violent, etc. and want you to continue their ways?”</p>
<p>Exactly-parents can be, and are often, wrong, as you point out.</p>
<p>To the OP-What if a parent like this forbids a child to date outside her race? Or things physical violence is the way to solve disagreements? Or throws a gay child out because of his beliefs that it’s wrong? Should the kids just nod and agree? I don’t think so. </p>
<p>Any adult of any age who has a good relationship with their parents is probably going to ask for advice from them. But they are not obligated to follow it, and indeed, may make completely opposite decisions, because in some cases those parents could just be…wrong.</p>
<p>It takes a lot of courage to do that. I know a young lady who is gay and cannot tell her parents because the father has nastily said that he would never speak to a child of his who is gay. It’s safer for her not to say anything. But it’s got to be painful. This could apply to any parental advice that goes to the root of who a child is.</p>
<p>Blanket pronouncements are usually incorrect. No one is ALWAYS right.</p>
A parent’s advice should have a higher value than someone else’s. I find that the most mature people tend to be the ones who have a greater appreciation for what their parents have done, and hence, take their parents words more seriously.</p>
<p>
Again, almost every child believes that they deserve more independence one they’re over 14 years old. And you can’t simply say that we should assume everyone 18+ should be considered an adult. Some people mature before, some afterwards.
Being 18 does not automatically make someone an adult. I feel like no one has addressed this point. Someone has to make the decision of when the child is ready for independence, and the child is not a reliable source for that, as most everyone believes they’re ready, and an arbitrary number isn’t right for it either. Parents aren’t the perfect choice, but they are the best choice.
If there must be a certain age border to avoid parental mistakes, then at the very least, it should be higher than 18 years old. </p>
<p>I do understand that kids need to be independent eventually. What I think is the crux of the issue is when. </p>
<p>
Yes, but in the majority of situations, the parents are the ones who are right. Not the perfect way to go about things, but the best way</p>
<p>Stressed, you are missing some key points. It’s not a matter of THINKING a child is mature at 18. LEGALLY they ARE. So unless you’re prepared to change the legal age of nearly everything but buying liquor you’re going to have to accept that here we allow our kids to make decisions as allowed by law. Yes, even if they are wrong. </p>
<p>And sadly, the papers are full of the horrific things parent
Do to their kids because they think they’re right. They DON’T always know best. They sometimes aren’t even in the top 10. Maybe when you’ve seen more of the real world you’ll understand that.</p>