I don’t have a problem with a curfew for college students staying in their PARENTS house. It’s their house, and they get to make the rules. Personally, I think having a college student text every hour is overboard, but again, the parents get to make the rules. And, if the rules were mutually agreed upon before the student left, then there is a verbal contract in place and student cannot protest. But regardless of curfews or texting or whatever, it is always courteous to tell people when you will be out and when you will be expected back.
So what would I do going forward? 1) Extend the curfew a bit (but not til 3 a.m. because “nothing good happens after midnight,” 2) Demand a text saying where you will be going, when you will be back, and who will be there, and 3) Change the passcode on the alarm if said person isn’t back by the designated curfew.
Both my kids are married now, but before that, they knew our house rules if they were home. Call or text by midnight and let us know if you are coming home for the night or staying out at a friends house. As neither went to college or grad school with their high school friends, when they were in town, you would most likely find them hanging out with their old friends. Neither of my children complained about having to notify us. Actually, even now that they are married, if they are leaving town for work or play, I usually get an email with their flight and hotel information. They both know it is a good idea for someone to know where they are in case of an emergency.
My guess is when my children have their own children, they will expect the same of their kids.
IMO, if you asked her to be home at _____ and she agreed and then didn’t come home until later than _____ then yes, you have a right to be angry.
Communication is key. I don’t give my college age kids curfews but I do ask when they think they’ll be home and to let me know by MY bedtime (midnight?) if they won’t be home at all that night.
I agree with others, the hourly text request is a bit much. But if she agreed to it, that’s on her. I’d have told my mom that was not realistic.
I do text my kids when they are visiting us and living in our home and it’s getting late. I ask if they know when they’ll be home if they aren’t in by mid nite. They text and let me know so I can go to sleep or wait up, as I prefer.
I have never had a curfew with our kids not requested hourly updates. That would be too much info for me and onerous for them.
It’s a good idea to find a balance that works for you and your kids. For nights when folks have to work in the morning, more consideration of folks in the household is needed so folks get a sound night’s sleep.
To me, it’s all about consideration for the others in the household—let us know when you’ll be home/out for meals and sleeping. Advance notice of xx hours if you’d like to borrow the car.
I agree that hourly texts are over the top. And I don’t have a curfew for my young adult kids. Just as others have said, I want to know generally when/if they will be home. D occasionally stays over at a friend’s when she’s home on break. If she goes out and comes home it’s usually midnight-1 am or so.
And I don’t wait up. I’m kind of a night owl so I may be up but I will go to sleep even if the kids are out. And they are pretty quiet and rarely wake me.
Never ceases to amaze me what toxic relationships people have with their adult kids…
Also never ceases to amaze me how immature and idiotic kids behave when they’re infantalized.
Your daughter shouldn’t be staying out till three in the morning and falling asleep with strangers. It’s idiotic, immature, and dangerous. She should know better than that, and should value herself more than that.
You shouldn’t be making her text you like she’s 12. You’re a helicopter parent of an immature kid who makes dangerous choices. The two are linked. Both are part of the same pathology. Weak expectations, bad choices. You enable each other’s lousy behavior toward each other.
Stop. Expect better from her. Don’t accept this nonsense and don’t expect her to accept your nonsense.
You both need to re-evaluate your actions and you both need to grow up.
I don’t believe anyone can determine if a parent has a “toxic relationship” with their adult children based on anonymous internet posts asking for advice. We all parent differently. Different does not equate to toxic.