my daughter is 19 and is visiting from college. Last night she went out with a boy she just met and all I asked was for her to send me a message and every hour to make sure she was okay. Around 2am, I started to get worried, I didn’t know she was gonna stay out that late. She already had been with him for 12 hours. My other daughter and I called and texted her but no response. It was 3am now, I had her location so I hopped into my car and headed her way. She did end up calling saying she was sorry she had fallen asleep and was coming home now. I was angry but fell asleep anyways. I’m not sure what I should do? Does it matter that she stayed out that late?
Seriously? You wanted your 19year old daughter to text you once an HOUR while she was out?
All we asked was that our kids give us a ball park when they would be home…and also to let us know where they were going. Once in college…we did not set a curfew or make them call us hourly.
What should you do? Well…I don’t think setting a curfew is your answer. She is a college student…and I seriously doubt she has a curfew in college.
BUT last night was a weeknight…and a work day for many folks. I would remind her that it is considerate to be home at an hour that won’t interfere with others getting the sleep they need. If she asks…just tell her that you waiting up until she got home at 3 a.m. interfered with YOUR ability to sleep well.
And I personally would drop the requirement for having her call every hour…and whatever tracking device or app you are using.
You have to trust her…and let her grow up.
Really? Of course she should have done what you asked and texted. Ask her to promise to next time. That is all.
If your daughter is 19, she is an adult. There shouldn’t be a need to contact you every hour to let you know she is okay. That said, letting you worry until 3AM is not considerate of your feelings and is not okay. I assume you’ve already tried explaining how badly she made you feel, rather than just yelling at her?
Courtesy, not curfew, is the issue here. We ask all family members who live here or are just staying here to tell us when they’ll be home and to call or text if they will be later than that. This is for reasons of love, not authority.
Your daughter needs to learn to be courteous of those who love her by honoring her commitment to be on time or to call when late.
She either fell asleep or “fell asleep.” Things happen. I think hopping in your car at 3 AM is severe overkill. I also think needing her to text every hour is overkill.
If this is a real post, tell her you were worried and then move on. She stays out at college and isn’t used to needing to check in with her mom every hour.
Agree with @massmomm- it is a courtesy issue. When our kids are home for any length of time, I just ask that they let me know 1)if they are coming home and 2)if so, a ballpark time they will be home. This is partly from a safety standpoint as it is always a good idea that someone knows you made it where you are going. It is mostly from the standpoint of the fact that DH and I still have things to do during the day and do not want to be wakened at 3am with the noise of someone coming in. If I know they are coming home, I can leave the lights on and the garage door unlocked. I can’t imagine that giving a 19 year old a curfew will be effective and asking them to check in every hour is just not going to happen. Your daughter is an adult and does not need you to monitor her behavior, but learning courteous behavior when staying with ANY host is something she can work on.
This is an important fact to me. Under normal circumstances I usually just request an estimated time when my college aged children will be home and a text if they are going to be later. Really it’s just so I can go to sleep with a clear mind. But if my D went out with someone she “just met”, it was 3 am and she was not answering texts or her phone – you can be sure I would be in my car too. And I would be thanking my lucky stars that I had whatever tracking device the OP relied on to send him in the right direction. I would not have asked for hourly check-ins, just one call if they were going to be late.
Parents worry for a reason – bad stuff happens sometimes. I’ve seen more than my fair share in my children’s social circle – including one death.
How many times do you think the D had spent the night with a guy she just met while off in college? How many times do you think she told mom?
Really, I think she’s just used to being independent and doing what she wants to do without checking in.
I agree with Harvest about the fact it was someone she didn’t know very well and I would have definitely been worried with zero text response the entire evening. I don’t “track” my kids and we never set curfews when they were home from college. We did ask them to text us and let us know either about what time they would come home or if they weren’t coming home where they were staying. The texting every hour is completely over the top and the fact that she didn’t answer earlier in the evening is telling but I do agree the courtesy conversation is overdue and finding some happy middle ground from zero checkins to texting every hour for both the OP and the D is important.
Perhaps. But as a college student myself, I know that when I go home on holiday that I need to follow my parent’s rules or find an alternative place to stay. That said, my parents’ expectations, which I think are reasonable, is to inform them when I will be home, and call/SMS if I’m late. Checking in every hour is something that I can’t imagine imposing on any kid, but certainly not one past high school.
Asking to text once an hour is definitely overboard.
I used to ask my kid, when he was home on break, when he thought he’d be home and to just text me if he was going to be later.
My first summer home from college I was home about a week and stayed out all night with a group of friends from high school. I didn’t think for a second to call my parents and tell them where I was. When I got home the next day my parents thought it would be better for their health if I went back to my college town and spent the summer. So I did.
Sure, follow your parents’ rules if you’re home and they’re paying for the roof over your head.
I think these are completely unreasonable rules though. Good way to ensure that kids will not want to come home over breaks.
Romani my college aged D lives in an apartment with one of her sorority sisters. She calls and lets her know if she is not coming home that evening or will be late so her roommate can lock up. She does the same when she is home.
Most college aged kids don’t mind this sort of courtesy call. It appears in the OP’s case the D fell asleep and apologized for not making the call. This sort of thing would not rise to the level of discouraging them from coming home for the holidays and spending time with family.
“How many times do you think the D had spent the night with a guy she just met while off in college? How many times do you think she told mom?”
My kids know not to pull the “I do anything at college that I want”. That goes no where in my house. When they pull the adult card they find out what it means to be an adult and all that goes along with it including all financial obligations that we currently pay. Of course they do what they want when they are away. That doesn’t give them the right to become inconsiderate and selfish at home. My house, my rules. My kids text when they are going to be late and still come in to let us know when they get home. They know they need to be considerate to others living here.
@romanigypsyeyes as I recall you don’t have kids. I don’t care how old they are I will always worry about their safety. When they are home for breaks, we don’t sleep well until they are home safe. I of course think about their safety at school as well but I don’t know when they are out or when they are home. I don’t have to wait to hear the door open at 3 AM. You may well change your views when you have children of your own. I know I did.
I am supporting the OP in this instance. While every hour may be excessive, her daughter didn’t communicate at all. She was with a guy she just met. I’m not buying “I fell asleep” because the OP had indicated that she had already been with this guy for 12 hours. She was not asleep for 12 hours. She was being selfish, rude and inconsiderate in my opinion.
Also, my kids still love to come home. My rules have not changed their love for family time and coming home.
We never had a curfew for the kids in college, however we did want to have a vague idea of what they were doing and when they might be coming home. We also asked that if they decided to spend the night somewhere, to text us so we wouldn’t worry in the morning. They were very considerate about that, though I’d never ask for constant texts. It’s basically just letting the other people in the house know what you might be doing. I always offered to drop off or pick up if there might be drinking, any time of the night, but now there’s Uber, so I don’t get asked to do that much.
I’m pretty sure my kids didn’t do a lot of random sleeping around in college with people they’d just met, they aren’t the type to do that. I didn’t worry too much about them when they came home.
Okay, that is just beyond unreasonable.
And that was her way of rebelling against such controlling demands. Really inconsiderate-and really? She “fell asleep”? Yeah, right.
This thread is a good example of different strokes for different folks. Doesn’t make any one way wrong or right.
However, I’d encourage you to :
- Consider your child’s history - if they haven’t given you lots of reason to worry or not trust, honor that.
- Put yourself in their place. Nothing wrong with checking in, but find a trusting medium. If you’re worried about them driving in bad weather and they agree to check in with you once they land safely somewhere - then appreciate that and don’t expect more. They are safely landed at a destination and you at any college age you need to trust their decisions from then on.
I always have tended to be most worrysome about driving long distances/bad weather with my kids. Personally I’d rather they park it - stay put at a destination and NOT come home.
And if we are voting I’d agree that an hourly check in is more than I would expect from a 10 year old unless they were in a concerning place!
I spent the summer between college and law school working as a police officer in a summer resort town. By rights, I should have been directing traffic all day with most of the other summer cops, but somehow I got assigned to midnight shift, so I got to do fun stuff like breaking up bar fights, dealing with psycho stalkers, and shutting down loud parties, including my own birthday party.
One of my regular duties was handling calls from parents whose daughters were out for the first time with “a nice boy from Williams” or some such and had missed curfew! By a lot!! For the first time ever!!! She’s not that kind of girl!!!
This, of course, was pre-cell phone days, and the beaches and little hidey-holes where many dates had their final hours were not well-provided with pay phones, so it was rare for someone to check in with her parents.
Anyway, after half a summer of this, I had an Iron Rule: Parents and daughters are deeply connected and very much on the same page, just not in exactly the way the parents would like. It didn’t matter whether the curfew was 11:00, or 12:00, or 1:00, and it didn’t matter if the daughter was 30 minutes, 60 minutes, or two hours past curfew. The moment when the parents hit the panic button and called the police was the moment the young woman turned to her date and said “I’ve got to get home right away! My parents are going to have a cow!” Daughters arrived home, without exception, 20-40 minutes after their parents called me, depending on how far they had to travel (and how much clothing they had to put on).
It sounds like that’s exactly what happened here: The OP’s daughter was probably unlocking her phone to call mom just as her mom got desperate enough to get into the car to hunt for her.