<p>My daughter is a bit of late comer to the dating scene. Through out high school it was going out with a large group of boys and girls, and it was all dutch. More recently, my daughter just started going out with someone in college. We don’t know what the boy’s financial situation is like, but our daughter has always had enough spending money for movies, dinners, and other activities. For the first couple of dates, I know the boy picked her up at her dorm, paid for dinners and other events. But I have told her that I thought it would be nice for her to start paying for some activities. How are young people doing this now a days? After they have been going out for a while, do they start splitting the billl (50, 50)? I am still a bit old fashion to think it is not very becoming for a couple to split a bill at a dinner table. My daughter did pay for their last dinner instead of splitting it.</p>
<p>date? One person and one person? I’m afraid mine didn’t do that much in college.<br>
I like your theory and would advocate it should mine ask.
Which they won’t.</p>
<p>When they first started dating my daughter’s boyfriend always paid. After a few months they started taking turns or one would pay for the movie, the other for popcorn and sodas. They also take turns driving. Dating is not cheap, I think lots of kids split the cost.</p>
<p>My boyfriend and I have always gone Dutch, from the beginning. But I have friends whose boyfriends insist on paying. It really depends on the people. But it’s certainly nice to offer to pay some of the time, especially after a while.</p>
<p>Some people split bills and costs 50/50. I think the nicer set-up is just alternating. Someone pays for dinner; someone else pays for the movie; etc. The 50/50 thing splits money more evenly, but I think alternating is nice because it doesn’t give off the impression that every dollar and cent must be equal. </p>
<p>I’m not a fan of guys who insist on paying. I know a couple of men who do, but in general I’ve found that I don’t like their attitudes toward women (very much into taking care of the woman, somewhat worshipful, etc.). There may be some great guys who always pay, and there are definitely girls who like guys who always pay, but it’s never been my thing.</p>
<p>My daughter (now in her second year post college) insists on alternating who pays, even with guys who say they would prefer to pick up the check. She feels it sets a standard for the balance in the relationship. I agree with her – it was the standard for guys to pay back in the days when women did not have comparable career options. Now that women (theoretically, at least) have the same opportunities as men, they should not expect to be subsidized. So D and her dates take turns paying for dinners out and take turns getting tickets for events.</p>
<p>Interestingly, though, my senior high school son has a more traditional arrangement with his girlfriend - he pays for all tickets. He explains that he has a part-time job and her parents do not allow her to have a job while in school, so he has somewhat more spending money.
However, his girlfriend does not like him spending money on her unnecessarily so lots of their dates are dinners at one or the other’s house and a movie in the family room afterwards. I keep suggesting he take her OUT to a movie but they prefer to spend evenings at their homes (which means hubby and I are there as well when it’s at our place and have to stay home that night!)
His girlfriend refused to consider his hiring a limo for junior prom (considered it a silly and wasteful extravagance) and actually preferred that they be chauffeured by the parents! So while she is not paying, I do appreciate her practical approach and consideration of his finances. </p>
<p>The guy I dated in college had limited funds and we did local hikes, on-campus shows, etc. which were inexpensive. After college I had a career and he was in grad school, so when he visited me I got the tickets. (We are now married and the parents of the above two kids.)</p>
<p>P.S. IMO alternating/reciprocating is somewhat more gracious than splitting a bill at the table, but either is fine by me. My brother and his wife have been married almost two decades and still split the bills when they dine out - they have not totally merged their finances.</p>
<p>One high school age S of mine goes out with his girlfriend periodically in a major city where everything is fairly expensive. We give him a limited weekly allowance, and he and his girlfriend seem to alternate paying for things. He’ll pay for the lunch, she’ll pay for the movie, etc. I think this is the right thing to do in “this day and age.” He seems to have figured this out by himself.</p>
<p>From many moons ago I used this approach. (Full disclosure, I very much felt that both people in a relationship I was in should want/need to pay a “fair share” of the cost of going out.) On a first date, if I asked the women out then I would pay … if the women offered to pay half on this date and it was a one and done date I’d politely refuse … if I wanted to see the women again I’d suggest that I pay this time and she pay next time (a nice subtle way to get a second date for the terminal shy).</p>
<p>What’s a “fair share”? 50/50? What if one has a job and one doesn’t? What if one makes 3 times as much as the other? This can get a little tricky!</p>
<p>When I was dating my husband, he always offered to pay, and I paid for things (tickets or presents) whenever he wasn’t around. Even now, if we have a financial constraint, he would urge me to get what I want and he would do without.</p>
<p>Our daughter is a very independent girl, she is used to reach into her pocket to pay for things (except when she is with me) and she wouldn’t necessary expect her new boyfriend to pick her up or drop her off. I guess I feel it is part of courtship - to walk someone back after a date (they don’t have a car), cards, flowers, dinners. She thinks it’s silly and waste of time to have BF walk her back to her dorm, when she is perfectly capable of doing it. I know by seeing a girl home there is a connotation that girl is a weaker sex, but it is just also a nice (romantic) gesture.</p>
<p>My husband likes to know that he is needed by me. He does a lot of little things for me that I could do by myself. I am just wondering with women/men being so equal and independent now, does it take something away from a relationship.</p>
<p>When I was in law school, I had a male friend who was dating a woman with a full time job. She wanted to do things that cost $. For example, she loved ballet. Tickets were expensive. So, after a couple of months dating she bought 2 tickets and told him he could come with her or he could sit home on Saturday night while she went with a friend. </p>
<p>After that they alternated dates. When it was his date, he’d cook–he was a great cook, rent a movie to watch at home; plan picnics in a park following a hike; go to authors’ speaking events at bookstores, etc. He actually spent a fair amount of time and effort coming up with off-beat, interesting things to do. </p>
<p>Her point was that with a full-time, fairly demanding job, her free time was limited. During the first few months they dated, he paid for everything, but seeing him meant giving up some things she loved–like the ballet. She didn’t have enough free time to date him and do the other things she enjoyed. As they became more serious and wanted to spend more time together, she found herself resenting what she was giving up. </p>
<p>One good thing about paying your share is that you often feel more comfortable speaking up for what you want to do.</p>
<p>When my S was in college, he said he paid for the first few dates and then his dates would usually offer to go dutch and he happily complied. This is assuming that he had multiple dates with the same girl. </p>
<p>Now that he is working and doesn’t have a steady girlfriend, he is paying for all his random dates.</p>
<p>My kids tell me that alternating dinner tabs, or sharing tasks (you get movie tix, I get popcorn) is more graceful than splitting a bill at the table. These days, I think it costs more to grab the popcorn! Precise penny-counting at each social event isn’t always necessary in a steady relationship. Things work out, just be watchful in general that it’s not always working out in one direction. </p>
<p>A tricky passage is when a relationship begins with “dutch” but then the fortunes of one change. Then, I’ve heard, the better earning partner feels inhibited to suggest things s/he knows the other cannot afford, and if they’re steady that’s a problem dynamic. Example: he wants to see a rock concert, she can’t afford it, so he goes away with others rather than treat her to the occasional ticket. Who wins there? Neither.</p>
<p>Re-negotiating the understanding is important if they become a steady item and one of their fortunes changes, e.g. after graduation.</p>
<p>I feel pretty old-fashioned, but I’d like my boys to pay initially. After awhile, they can start splitting: He gets dinner, she gets tip. He gets movie tickets, she gets snacks. </p>
<p>I don’t think he should always be on the hook for everything, and I want the girl to be able to not “need” the guy to pay, kwim?</p>
<p>FYI, when my son heard how expensive prom tickets were he said he’s never asking a girl out!</p>
<p>Interesting. Just to be contrarian…when I started dating again in my late 20s …guys paid for everything. And, I wouldn’t contradict. My hub paid for every single thing during our dating/engagement (and now – nice guy – is paying my grad school loans…).</p>
<p>I’ll encourage son to do the same. Kinda gentlemanly. </p>
<p>Coming from a background that emphasizes a girl should only receive flowers, poems, or books from a guy. I know my grandmother often emphasized to girls in my family that guys who are expected to pay for things tend to look down on the girls(it’s the way I was brought up, ok).
I agree if the guy asks for a date he should pay, especially the first few dates. But if the couple has been dating for a while, a guy should not be the only one that is expected to pay for everything. I did not let my husband pay for everything when we were dating and neither did my SOL, she offered to pay everyother date with my brother. In fact, her family gave her the credit card to pay for things every time she goes on a date. She was not working.
Again, it’s different perspective.</p>
<p>It’s good to hear from some younger folks on this one. It’s even nicer to find I’m not too out of touch with where they are at.</p>
<p>I think it’s fine if the person asking someone else out (is it always the guy still?) pay for the date. But beyond that, share the cost. Why not?
I suppose I like rules that have a logic behind them rather than just “that’s how it is” or “that is the norm” </p>
<p>I never felt comfortable having a guy pay more than his share, I didn’t the point. I was going to school or earning just as much as the guys I dated. </p>
<p>Guys paying all costs seems to fit nicely with the days of ‘girls putting out’ (as if they were doing a favor in return, rather than engaging in mutual pleasure).</p>
<p>At the beginning, whoever asks should pay. Once they become a “couple” I think the idea of alternating expenses makes sense, and seems a little more romantic than sitting and figuring up the check to split it 50/50.</p>