<p>If the hospital kept her all night and didn’t release her to friends I’m betting her blood alcohol level was very high. If you know when she got home you can probably guess the blood alcohol level.</p>
<p>I would nix the car in a second for any of my boys in a heartbeat.</p>
<p>Given the history, I would doubt this was a one time drinking session. You obviously know your daughter and I do not. I agree the friend was not a snitch. The friend was scared for your D. Going to an AA lecture or two is probably not going to change much I fear.</p>
<p>If she is dealing with depression and anxiety, does she like her counselor on campus. (I am saying this after having realized that my own school’s counseling and general medical care was a bit limited; I realize all schools are different). I think it could be worth it to make sure that she is seeing somebody that she is comfortable with and get her going more than once a month if possible.</p>
<p>I’m with Thumper on this one. It’s not just freshman partying if the kid ends up in the hospital, not remembering the ride there. She moves home. Takes public transportation to school. No car. Pays her own hospital bill. Goes to AA meetings daily.</p>
<p>After second semester and a productive summer of working full-time, perhaps it would make sense for her to live away from home. But not now–unless it’s in a sober living house.</p>
<p>I believe the very definition of alcoholism is that drinking alcohol is creating problems in the life of the drinker. I would say that a visit to the hospital due to alcohol consumption is a serious problem. Especially since she is well aware of the addiction history of the family.</p>
<p>I fear the OP is taking this far too lightly. The kid is in denial big-time. This could end very badly unless the family intervenes immediately.</p>
<p>When did we get to the point that we are sending our kids off to college, paying with our hard-earned money so that they can party instead of study? I went to college in the 70’s. We did plenty of partying, many of us with both drugs and alcohol. But it wasn’t to the point of hospitalization, we all made the dean’s list, we went on to graduate school, we didn’t pass out, we didn’t party during the week. I was blessed with parents who worked their butts off and paid 100% of my college costs–NEVER would they have continued to do so if I had done what the OP’s kid did. Sorry, I just don’t get it–how is it possible that the kid still has the car?? Why would any discussion be needed at all?</p>
<p>By the way, let’s realize that the kid must have been really really wasted, probably very near death due to alcohol poisoning for a fellow student to have called 911 or taken her to the hospital. Most fellow partyers would just be laughing about it, not realizing how bad the situation could be. So, she must have been in SERIOUS trouble. This wasn’t the first time, probably more like the 20th or 50th time. I would not be concerned about whether or not the daughter would be willing to “come to me with problems” later. I would be concerned about her making to her next birthday!</p>
<p>My sympathies to the OP. I’m not sure what I would do, but sopranomom92 has some excellent points. If you’re not positive of what to do I would err on the tough love side. </p>
<p>You might remind your daughter that living on campus when you are 10 miles away is definitely a luxury. There aren’t many parents who would be willing to do that and she should treat it like the privilege it is!</p>
<p>To me it does sound like freshman drinking, since binge drinking is so common now. I think it is important for you to include her in the decision making process. Instead of treating her like a child, treat her like an adult that is on her way to being an alcoholic. Since her father has been sober for many years, he would be an excellent person to talk to her about her choices so far. I wouldn’t have her move home yet, but I would make sure sh did not have teh car. I would encourage her to find out what her BAC was and to understand how out of control she was. She needs to decide if she is ready for sobriety, or at least responsible behavior. She may not be an alcoholic yet, but between alcoholic family members and binge drinking at an early age, she is on her way to a serious problem. If she is unwilling to “step up” then you can treat her like a child. Limit your liability with the vehicle and make her pay for the hospital bills.</p>
<p>Instead of treating her like a child, treat her like an adult that is on her way to being an alcoholic</p>
<p>someone who ends up in the hospital because of substance abuse is * not on their way * to have problems with substances.
THEY ALREADY HAVE A MAJOR PROBLEM.</p>
<p>What would worry me the most about the hospitalization and her drinking is that she is in denial about it (saying the “snitch” overreacted). She doesn’t sound like she is ready to quit drinking. There is such a drinking culture at college that it might be impossible to drink “responsibly”. I think you need to take this into account.</p>
<p>If her major argument for keeping the car is that she likes to be able to get home on a whim when she needs some space, would you be willing to compromise and help her pay for cab fare? Maybe you guys could split the cost of her cab ride home, and then you or your hubby could drop her back off on campus the following day.</p>
<p>I’m all for public transportation and bikes (I love riding my bike!) but sometimes, when you want to go home…you just want to go home. You don’t want to wait for a bus. Or deal with other passengers. Or have to make a million stops. You just want to be by yourself so you can get where you want to go asap. I think a cab would be a good option.</p>
<p>From the perspective of a current college senior (at a big state public school w lots of partying), your kid’s behavior is NOT normal or cool or popular even if she swears it is. It is scary. Her friends don’t think it’s cool, and if someone does, that person should not be in your kid’s life. Her friends did the right thing by getting her help. She will realize that in the future–they always do. Drinking to the point of hospitalization is not standard freshman behavior. Binge drinking and being hungover tomorrow–sure. Still happens to us big bad seniors occasionally. Alcohol poisoning is serious business. I’m glad you realize it and are taking steps to confront these problems. She’s lucky to have you!</p>
<p>If you are supporting this child, you have a right to the blood alcohol level and this would definitely be instrumental to see what kind of reaction her friends had… and she should be glad she has friends that looked out for her whether it was an over-reaction or not. The car when someone lives on campus is a no-brainer. She doesn’t “need” a car, and should absolutely lose some of her freedoms - especially ones that might be considered impulsive ones. But I wouldn’t pull her home. Well, not quite yet. </p>
<p>We talk about how our kids are growing up, the age of helicopter parents, etc… but they cannot grow when parents are controlling their every move, yanking them back in when they make mistakes, even big ones. She has to become accountable and learn from mistakes to truly grow into a responsible human being. What would concern me the the lack of learning here if she denies she needed to be in the hospital. They probably loaded her up on fluids which made her feel better sooner than she would have otherwise and therefore perhaps left her feeling less drunk than she really was.</p>
<p>Therefore, if she wants to continue to be supported by her parents, she will share all relevant information from this emergency situation. Once you see the BAC you will be in a better position to understand just how serious this was (or perhaps wasn’t). Obviously, it’s going to be high, but I would very much want to better understand just how sick she allowed herself to become. And while I don’t know how you’d learn it, I’d really want to know if my kid was the kid that everyone ended up taking care of every weekend and they finally came to the realization that their friend needed more help than they could give.</p>
<p>Work together to assess the degree of the problem, take away the car, speak to the Dean or whomever would know the situation best at the school and THEN decide ramifications. This is beyond grounded for the week and while it is true that college freshman drink while not knowing limitations, MOST don’t end up in the hospital.</p>
<p>And lastly, I’d like to ask what kind of insight have you typically had into your kid’s behavior? What is your gut telling you? I give you a lot of credit by coming here and seeking advice, but you don’t have all the necessary information here. But until you get answers to some really basic questions, I’d say you can extend the deadline on coming up with an appropriate punishment. At this point, everyone involved is still in need of educating.</p>
<p>I would ask yourself what AlAnon would tell you to do? You cant control her behavior, only your own, or something like that?</p>
<p>So would you ever lend your car to someone (anyone) who drank to the point of hospitalization? Think about how you would feel if she killed someone, or herself? </p>
<p>If she only goes to school 10 miles away, go pick her up when she wants to come home. </p>
<p>I dont think you can ground her, she is 18. Also she has clearly had some natural consequences. I would be straight forward about it. “You cant drive my car because you drink” and of course she has to pay the hospital bill. And frankly, knowing that she drinks to the point of excess, if she hurts someone in your car, you are culpable. If you allow her to use your car, you should get an umbrella policy on your home. I dont mean this to sound mean, she sounds like a good kid, Im just trying to be straight forward.</p>
I don’t agree that this is sufficiently shown by the facts. This is a college freshman who got excessively drunk on one occasion that we know about. This is something that happens to a lot of them, and probably a lot of them could go to the hospital but don’t.</p>
<p>I think a measured response is in order, and should concentrate on being helpful and protective rather than punitive. Here’s one suggestion: why don’t you offer to go to the school and pick her up when she wants to come home to sleep, etc.? It’s only ten miles away. Telling her she can ride the bus is, in my opinion, punitive, and that’s not really the message you want to send.</p>
<p>This is something that happens to a lot of them, and probably a lot of them could go to the hospital but don’t.</p>
<p>I stand corrected- ( with a caveat)- since that had not been my experience- when I read the thread title- I was thinking of a small bottle of wine I found underneath my 20 year old D’s bed- when I was changing the sheets before she came home for Thanksgiving.
While she will not be legal age until summer- I was having trouble coming up with how to approach it.
If I had found out about her drinking in the manner of the OPs, my concern would have been * much* stronger.</p>
<p>I still think anyone that defensive about an area where they obviously have messed up bigtime- has a problem- although not accepting/recognizing when people are trying to help, can actually be the source of a problem that will affect more than use of substances.</p>
<p>I think most of the parents here would be shocked to find out how many of their kids have drank themselves into blackout stage while in college. Binge & excessive drinking is commonplace at most colleges.</p>
<p>The younger the college student is the more likely they are to binge drink, imo. For most kids this is their first time away from their parents. They have easy access to alcohol and they don’t have to worry about stumbling into their parents’ home drunk. They simply just stumble back to their dorm room.</p>
<p>Most, of course, don’t end up in the hospital. That is a very scary situation. </p>
<p>You are free to punish your daughter as you wish, but remember she is a young adult now too. Punishing her to no end can backfire a bit. She might be more tempted to rebel because of the harsh restrictions you have placed on her.</p>
<p>The combination of alcohol and anxiety meds as well as med for depression can be very potent- far more so than alcohol alone. She needs to know that she really shouldn’t be drinking at all if she is also taking this type of medication.</p>
<p>I agree with those that say to take the car, but do offer to pick her up when she wants to come home. I also agree that she needs to find a counselor to help her deal with whatever is keeping her from growing up.
Have you looked into cognitive behavioral therapy for her?</p>
<p>I think most of the parents here would be shocked to find out how many of their kids have drank themselves into blackout stage while in college. Binge & excessive drinking is commonplace at most colleges.</p>
<p>Im not a statistician, but I don’t really call 40% of women binge drinking at some point to be equivalent of " commonplace @ most colleges".</p>
<p>I grew up in the 70’s, lived with a drug dealer when I was 18 ( who pushed me to attend college) & worked in an industry which partied pretty hard & I never ended up in the hospital because of drinking & while I did know those who were involved in auto accidents related to substances/alcohol- apart from injuries from auto accidents- no one ever was at the point where they were so ill they had to be hospitalized to my knowledge- of course the alcohol industry targeting young people by the promotion of flavored beverages w caffeine/fruitiness was also not as well developed as it is today. Some of that stuff you can’t even tell has any alcohol in it.
:p</p>
<p>I agree with AvidStudent. I would not allow her unsupervised access to a car. Coming home every week isn’t particularly healthy for a college student anyway. For my S who is 30 minutes away, he comes home approx 2 times per semester to borrow the car. I feel better about that as I know he drinks. Plus, I get to give a lecture about drinking, drugs and driving each time (“Mom, you say that every time I drive the car”).</p>
<p>We don’t know enough, and at this point, perhaps the OP doesn’t either, about the particulars of the incident. Perhaps the friend did overreact, influenced by the alcohol programs they got at orientation. Perhaps it is hospital policy to keep her overnight. On the other hand, perhaps the blood alcohol level was dangerously high. But I think this needs to be determined before we start saying the student was “near death.”
If she chooses to continue drinking, she needs to learn how to do so responsibly. This is on her unless you plan to have her under house arrest 24/7.</p>
<p>I think the car is an easy one. You don’t reward unhealthy behavior.
I remind myself of the statement- Say what I mean, mean what I say but don’t say it mean- when I need to tell my children something they don’t want to hear.
With the car- it is not about punishing her. You might say for your own sanity and protection from liability and the safety of innocent people you can not right now let her take a car to school. Also remember No can be a complete sentence.
My own son who does not have an alcohol problem but ADD and impulse control issues I did not allow him to take a car to college till his senior year. Even at this point I sometimes question my sanity. So far no accidents but a parking ticket he didn’t pay, leaving the keys in the door (in a high crime city) and locking his keys in the car. And those are just the things I have heard about.</p>